T-I-R-E-D. That’s how I’ve been feeling for the last 2-3 weeks. A deep-down T-I-R-E-D. The kind that can’t be alleviated by a few hours of downtime or a power nap. No shopping spree or spa visit could wash this T-I-R-E-D away. This kind of T-I-R-E-D demands reflection, restructure, renewal from the inside out. I couldn’t even begin to guess at the revelation that this day would hold for me.

Today was sunny but a bit cool. I went off to work dressed in a long denim skirt, a hot pink top, and a beautiful multicolored mule (my favorite shoe so far this season BUT, it is early in the season. Ooops, I digress!). I wore a denim jacket that matched my skirt perfectly. I was working the accessories and my hair/makeup was tight. Oh, let’s assume for the sake of argument that all my foundation garments were accounted for. One light spritz of my favorite fragrance and I was ready to face the day. Looking good but still feeling oh so T-I-R-E-D.

So, you have that picture of me in your head? Notice anything missing? You wouldn’t. Not to the naked eye. You see, I decided to stop wearing that lovely red cape and the blue top with the big red ‘S’ in the middle. You know, the one that goes with everything? Yep, I ditched my “Superwoman” drag. After vegging out the night before, I realize that part of the T-I-R-E-D syndrome has to do with me donning that costume and trying to be the General Manager of the Universe. Well, here’s Breaking News: I RESIGN - EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

What a revelation. It is so eye-opening, so liberating to finally get it in your spirit that you don’t have to do everything that you are capable of doing. The world won’t spin off its axis. Imagine that!

Now, don’t get it twisted. I’ve sent my “Superwoman” alter ego into the witness protection program. I haven’t lost my strength, I’ve reclaimed it. Living under the cape of Superwoman was an illusion of strength. It had me taking on more than I could handle, more than I should handle. The truth of the matter is that, at my core, I am a strong woman. Each of us has our own innate strengths but we tend to hide them or downplay them unless there’s some kind of crisis.

Look - Superwoman is a cartoon character! She is only as strong as the person who created her. Let me say that again: SHE IS ONLY AS STRONG AS THE PERSON WHO CREATED HER. See where I’m going with this? I know who created me - GOD. I know He created me on purpose, for a purpose. I know that He wants more for me and has ordained for me more that I could ever want or even begin to dream for myself. I feel the fullness of His plan for me. Why do you think I hid behind that cape for so long, taking on the persona of a cartoon character, searching for crisises so I wouldn’t have to deal with my real life? I could reason with God, negotiate with Him: ” See Lord? I’m doing ABC. Then I’m gonna do 123. Somebody needs to do XYZ so, since no one else has done it, I’ll do that too. I’m soooo busy. Remind me later and I’ll fit Your plan in somewhere.”

God will not be mocked. God also has a sense of humor. My grandmother used to say that all the time. God let me run around, piling things on my plate that didn’t fit, weren’t mine, and really didn’t matter until I wore myself out. Remember? T-I-R-E-D? I had to drop back a few times and ask myself, “What is this all about? Why am I so tired? What am I getting out of being Superwoman?”. In the end, I realized that much of what I was taking on was self-inflicted. I wanted to impress someone, I didn’t think anyone else could do it (or do it as well as I could), I was afraid to say no, I wanted everyone to like me…the list goes on. But you know what? Clarity is a powerful thing — it isn’t always pretty but it is rich with truth and potential for change, growth and peace.

So I had a little talk with my inner Superwoman. I thanked her for all that she’d done for me over the years. For lending me her strength. For pushing me to go beyond my limits in ways that were good for me. She knew what was coming. Said she’d been there a few times before — sometimes things ended badly, sometimes they just ended. Said she appreciated my honesty and that she had known for a while that I had outgrown her. That my beliefs about strength had shifted from her to myself. Said she admired that.

We sat on the deck in the evening shade sipping ginger tea. Reminiscing. Planning. I asked her where she would go. She sighed. Honestly, she was T-I-R-E-D herself. Was looking forward to a little downtime, a cool place to just chill and catch her breath. Figure out who she really was under that cape. We laughed. We were on the same page. Munching on kiwi and strawberries, we planned her getaway. Thought we’d take a trip to Goodwill - drop off her cape. But then it hit us. Why even subject another Sister to the Superwoman illusion?

Instead, we had a recommitment ceremony. I recommitted myself to the plans God has for me, to walking in faith, to honoring myself. She committed herself to creating her own identity, assisting others only when absolutely necessary, and heading home when the job was done. We decided to burn the cape, the tights, the entire costume.

As we watched the embers die, a voice said, “Ma’am? It’s time to go.” He reminded us of the rules — no contact, name changes, change in physical appearance.

Holding that cape between us, we realized that it had only been a symbol. Like her friend Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, we’d always had the power and the strength within us.

Superwoman’s gone now. And just like that cartoon character, I have learned to rely on the strength of the one who created me.

Found this in my inbox today:

HOW TO BREAK A BAD HABIT

Habits are automatic behaviors that can be changed with patience and persistence.

Instructions

STEP 1: Decide how serious you are about breaking the habit. In addition to a strong commitment, you’ll need time and energy to pay attention to your behavior so that you can change it.

STEP 2: Keep track of when you do the behavior. Keep a notepad or journal handy.

STEP 3: Write down when it happens (what is the situation) and what you were thinking and feeling. Writing increases your awareness of when and why you have this habit.

STEP 4: Read and think about what you write down. What does this habit do for you? Is it a way to deal with feelings of boredom, anxiety stress, anger?

STEP 5: Think of what you could do instead of the habit that would be a more positive way to deal with the feelings or situation. Write down some simple alternative behaviors that you could do instead. Pick one you want to practice.

STEP 6: Try to catch yourself when you find yourself doing the habit and stop yourself as soon as you can. Start the alternative behavior you decided you wanted to do instead.

STEP 7: Aim to do this once a week and increase the number of times per week over time. The more you practice a new behavior, the more it becomes the new habit.

STEP 8: Get support from others by letting them know you are working on the habit and telling them what they can do to help.

Tips & Warnings
Be patient with yourself. Habits are so automatic and unconscious we don’t realize we are doing it until we are already doing it! Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up is another bad habit to be broken.

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What I want to know is…can I apply this to YOU? Not that I think of you as a bad habit, just that I have a bad habit of thinking of you. I want to know how to stop. Thinking. Where you’re concerned. Teach me. Tell me how YOU did it. Turned around. Walked away. Went on living. Ignoring the pain left in your wake. No, not blaming…just stating fact…from my perspective…which may not jive with yours…I can & do respect that. No, I don’t think it was easy for you. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I did “imagine” all of this. And that’s cool. But tell me this…if that’s the case - that I “imagined” it, how do I imagine myself OUT of it?

*SIGH* There is a major poem sitting right here in midst of this post, in the midst of this pain. A big, gut-wrenching poem with jagged edges that keep puncturing my heart, trying to pierce my spirit.

THAT.SHIT.HURTS.

*SIGH*

I’m out.

I need a hug….line ‘em up…and keep ‘em coming!

**Yeah, I’m back with another post. Yes, posting twice on the same day. Whateva! What else I got to do? Ya’ll know I ain’t go no job!! Bwwwwahhhhhaaaaa!! **