1470 + 109 + 545 = 2184

2184

That’s the number of blog posts I have “in progress”…between the tickler files in two separate email accounts, the draft category on this blog, and the draft category on my original blog. (Actually the number is higher if I count the “paper” tickler file I keep)

2184

Wow.

So the question is…with that many blog-posts-in-progress, why has my presence here in Blogland been so…sketchy? LOL

Well my Beloveds, I don’t really know. AND I’m not sure it matters…the “why” that explains past behavior. Or maybe it IS relevant - just not right now.

Right now is a matter of continuing.

Am I going to continue to blog? And if so, am I going to do so with any regularity? Has anything about the appeal of blogging changed for me?

Many people who blog take a break here and there. After all, LIFE doesn’t stop happening because we need or want to post an entry. Nor is every life event blog fodder. As with everything else in life, balance is key. Is blogging throwing me off-balance? Or is NOT blogging what has me wobbling? Does blogging fit into my core values, my vision for moving forward and if so…how?

I will say this – I don’t think I’m done blogging. I don’t. Even if I only had 5 blog posts in progress.

But sometimes…I need to shut out the noise of the day-to-day and remember. Just sit in silence and remember. Why I started blogging. Why I liked about blogging. What my overall goal was.

Blogging for me wasn’t about achieving a certain number of posts or capturing a certain number of responses to said posts….or even having garnered a certain number of readers/subscribers.

I started blogging because I wanted to give voice to some things that I was dealing with, to speak to some things I observed. It was another avenue for a larger vision that I’m building towards. And I enjoyed it. I did. I do.

So the question is, if I enjoy it, if it’s part of a larger vision I’m moving towards…why am I not showing up?

WHY AM I NOT SHOWING UP?

Because…

Because I let myself forget what this was really about.
Because I let the larger vision be blurred by nonsense…and fear. Mostly FEAR.
Because it’s easier NOT to be a light-bearer, NOT to be transparent.
Because the path of least resistance is so darn seductive at times.
Because I let my comfort zone become a rut.

There are more reasons. They don’t matter - at the moment. What matters is that the “becauses” I listed above carry over into life BEYOND this blog. (Don’t you just HATE when that happens?)

There are things happening (or not happening) in my life that I need to sort through, to process. Some I need to share. That’s what this blog was about. Starting conversations. Learning the fine art of letting go. Creating space in my life for what I want. Healing what hurt. Laughing at myself. Celebrating life at whatever moment I happened to be in.

Encouraging. Empowering. Engaging. Funny. Friendly. Forward-thinking. Sharing my story, my thoughts, my journey…my evolution.

In the early days, I had a semi-regular stream of readers who commented on various posts. But what many people don’t know is that I probably got more comments from people who didn’t want to post their feedback but wanted me to know that something I posted touched them, inspired them, made them look at things differently. Something I posted let them know they weren’t alone and that they could indeed make it.

Don’t get it twisted: it’s not the accolades.

It’s BEING OF SERVICE. The bigger vision.

And so, I press forward. One steady reader or 100. One regular commenter or 100. I press forward.

I’m having the blog (and website) redesigned. (Not that the redesign itself will push me to post more often but because the redesign speaks to that bigger vision).

Moving deeper into 2010 (and beyond), I’m concentrating on how I position myself, being more strategic about what I give my time/energy/effort to…and that includes blogging. Part of that strategy includes more continuity in my “presence” — online and in reality. Life is short and precious. I want to move forward knowing that I’m engaging with PURPOSE.

More than likely, I won’t blog daily (not ruling it out, just keeping it really ‘real’) but I will be more consistent. Afterall, my overall vision isn’t blogging-focused only. Blogging is another conduit, another avenue.

The overall goal is to get back to blogging, get back to where it was fun while leaving time, space and energy for the real living to occur.

To blog or not to blog?

I’m in. (Hope you are too!)

…What else would I do with the voices in my head? LOL

Live DELICIOUSLY!
*~* MsJayye *~*

I remember when writing on this blog felt like I was giving myself breathing room, space to decompress and just let myself BE. In a lot of ways, it still does.When I find my way back to this spot, when I give myself permission to speak without trying to dress my thoughts for public consumption.

So…why am I restricting my own “breathing” so to speak, holding my blog posts hostage? *sigh*
I wish I knew.

I tell myself I need to do better. And I do. I tell myself that I CAN do better. And I can. I tell myself that I deserve better. And I do. I tell myself that I will do better. And…

Better is ALWAYS a possibility in whatever we do. Knowing this, why do I NOT choose that for myself? What kind of sadistic hypocrisy is that? It is straight up SHIGGIDTY!

“Better” is no longer an option – it’s a MUST. Maybe even a sanity saver.

I’ve been doing a lot of processing lately. Trying to get to the root of whatever triggered this bout of mental/spiritual/emotional “CFS” (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). Things happen. And they have. Such is life. Yet, nothing “MAJOR” has happened. Maybe this current malady is residual in nature? But from what? I’m blocking myself. Why?

I wonder. And I push myself to press forward in spite of whatever is blocking me…even when it’s me. I push because of the voice in my heart, my spirit – not the voices in my head or the voices of well-meaning friends/family. I push because I know that I’m meant for more – to do more, to give more, to share more. I push because I’m afraid of being stuck in this spot. And while I’m pushing, I tell myself it doesn’t matter WHY I push – it just matters that I push FORWARD, TOWARD progress. That I keep pushing, resting when I need to but never stopping.

I come to the end of this post with way more questions than answers and in my heart, I know that’s ok. I’ve learned that the true value is in the question, uncovering and asking the ‘right’ question, not the answer. Being courageous enough to ask yourself the hard question and then standing up under the answer no matter how ‘unpretty’ it may be.

And just like *that*, what I’m sure looks like a big ball of confusion to most people becomes more breathing room for me.

And that’s what I came to this blog hoping for: Breathing room. And naked truth.

Got both. In abundance.

Live SoulFULLY!
*~* MsJayye *~*

Whew! I have been one seriously slacking blogger! Mmph mmph mmph! (Why? I’on know – there are 104 drafts on my blog and several hunnert mo’ on my ‘puter. *Le Sigh*)

BUT…I’ve got a lot going on. A.LOT. Good stuff though. Mainly. Trying to prioritize it all. Let go of anything that isn’t really going to help me (or anyone else move forward). Pushing myself to do not not only do “more” but to do what matters most, what’s critical, what’s purpose-driven without sending myself spiraling into “overwhelm”. (More about “overwhelm” in future posts)

I will tell you this – I am ready to do some big things. AND to do some small things in BIG way. It’s time. Actually, it’s probably quarter past time. LOL

But to really do it right, there needs to be some overhauling in various parts of my life.

First & foremost, gotta figure out what this block is I seem to have with my health. Per my most recent visit, my doc wants to talk meds which I understand but apparently I don’t want to accept. Problem is getting myself to act on what needs to be done, to dig my heels in and make things happen. And for the life of me, I can NOT figure out why I’m resisting. It isn’t anything I CAN’T do, it’s everything that I MUST do. So what gives? Gonna let that marinade for the rest of the week…in between workouts. (More about all dat in a future post.)

I really need to buckle down and get the ‘web’ stuff done. I’m redesigning the blog. Gonna redesign my writer’s website too. There’s another site in the works too (right after I buy domains.) Trying to find graphics to use on the sites. Or find someone to do some artwork for me. I’ll need logos soon too. (Yes!) Pulled a bunch of images that I like. Had a color palette in mind and then – WHAM! Found some images that I like that aren’t even remotely related to the color scheme I had in my head. LOL

One hold-up on all of this? (I give you ONE guess, just ONE). Yep…ME. I’m such a visual person. Combine that with being a “DIY” person and you get an instant recipe for procrastination (as if I needed another recipe for procrastination). I need to just give my ideas/thoughts to the developer and trust her to bring me back something FABULOUS. What do I do instead? Make my own mock-ups. LOL

Don’t laugh – I do that with my books too. On the desk in my home office are three books that I’m working on (poetry collection #2, my first novel, and a non-fiction offering). I have the titles, the theme of each book, and searched for potential book covers some time ago. What did I do next? Created a mock cover for each, wrapped it around another book and set them on my desk. (If it wasn’t for shame, I’d take them to Barnes/Noble, put them on the shelf and snap pics of them. LOL) What? I’m just honing my visualization skills. Seeing is believing. If you believe, you can achieve. N’ahmean?

I need to work through my bidness structure so I can truly get moving on some other things. Let the fullness of my dream catch some sun. Once I move beyond the legalities and money crunching, it’s on to logos, slogans and making things pop!

I think I’m going to start a certification program in July. Did I mention that before? Just need to work out a few details – logistics, final costs, if THIS is THE program for me. I know I’m going to do the certification but there are quite a few programs. I want to align myself with the one that’s best for me.

Oh well, time for “work” work….you know…my full-time “temporary” job. The one that’s helping monetarily pave the way so that I can live my life out loud. On purpose. (Just seeing that in writing makes me smile. You should try it. Real talk.)

I’m out. For now!

Live DELICIOUSLY!
*~* MsJayye *~*