If you’ve been to my blog before, you know that Love is often a theme. I’m pro-love. I’m a champion for Love – good love, real love, authentic love, unconditional love. I’m not talking about the fluffy, skimming-the-surface emotion that many of us call “love”. I’m talking bone-marrow deep, sticky, this-ain’t-for-the-faint-at-heart kind of love. The kind of love people SAY they’re looking for but the one they often push away because they don’t recognize it, didn’t realize that it required that level of work and commitment…or, as much as they want it, they don’t think they’re worthy of it.

Recently, a friend & I were talking about love, the things we do & say in the name of love, and how we get in the way of the very thing we profess to want more than anything in life. He suggested I write a post about our conversations. Ironically, I started such a post last September but it was much too long, even for me and ya’ll know my penchant for long posts. So I put it on the back burner though I may have touched on some of the subjects here and there. The idea of “Love Scripts” came to me and I decided to break the topic down in bite-size chunks that I’ll post once a week. I decided then to just put some stuff out there, see what folks thought and so, here we are.

I have a running list of topics that I’ll post, one at a time, over the next few weeks. I really do want to hear your thoughts so share as much or as little as you like. If you have a question or comment but don’t want to float it out there attached to your name, you can send it to me via the “Contact” link on my website or email me directly. And yes, I can keep a secret. Let’s stick to the topic of the week as much as possible. If you wonder if a certain topic is on my running list, ask me. Got a quote? Share. Wanna recommend a book? Do it. Bring what you got and we’ll add it to the gumbo we stir up here. Share your thoughts & questions freely but as always, please respect my space and those who congregate here. We’re not all going to agree but let’s give folks space to say what they think. Cool? A’ight then.

I use the term “Love Script” to identify any belief or behavior that people may have or exhibit when it comes to love, and relationships. Your script can involve conscious or unconscious thought that guides your actions. It can be something you say – even if it’s only to yourself. It can be something that you DO, sometimes not even realizing it It can be a positive message or more than likely, a negative one. Let me say from the outset – I am not a therapist or a counselor. I’m just a sister with more questions and thoughts about love/relationships than she has answers. What I share here will be my perspective – as a woman, as a Black woman, single, not jaded but sometimes weary who believes in love, LOVES Black men yet recognizes everyone’s right to whatever their choice might be. It does not make me right. (I’m not trying to be “right”, just trying to be “loved”.) Actually, for purposes of moving us farther ahead in this conversation, let’s suspend the notion of right/wrong so that people feel free to share, to ask questions…to really open a dialogue. That’s my goal. I believe the solution is in the dialogue. So…let’s talk, shall we?

Welcome to LOVE SCRIPT #1 – “MEN DON’T STAY”

I grew up without my father. Specifically, I grew up not knowing my father. I can’t say I’m angry about that but I have on occasion wondered “why” or “what if”. This hole where my father was supposed to reside in my life created what I consider to be my very first NEGATIVE Love Script: Men don’t stay. More specifically, Black men don’t stay. Even more specifically, they don’t stay with me. Some will say that this script ties into the whole “fear of abandonment” theory. I could have just as easily have called this “Nobody’s choice” because I do know men who have the same script…that the women in their lives won’t stay.

This script is at the very root of something that I used to pride myself on not doing. I used to pride myself on the fact that when a guy told me that our relationship was over, I wasn’t the “Baby, baby please don’t go!” type. I wasn’t going to beg anybody to stay with me who didn’t want to. I wasn’t going to try to change his mind because I told myself he’d thought about it and made the best choice for himself. I tried to convince myself of that fact.

Truth is, I wouldn’t ask him to stay or change his mind simply because I.NEVER.EXPECTED.THEM.TO.STAY.

That was a hard revelation to come to terms with but it was true. I lived through many of my earlier relationships holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall. Subconsciously, I told myself that, if the man who fathered me didn’t “choose” me in terms of being in my life, why would some other man choose me? It didn’t help that I saw a lot of “leaving” in my childhood which further entrenched this script in my psyche.

If this is one of your scripts, you recognize that, sometimes you do things speed up the leaving process. Either way, you’re not really “surprised” by the person’s leaving. You may even tell yourself that you’re not in pain or that it doesn’t matter. It does. Of course it matters. Even if that person wasn’t right for you - it matters because, even though you were “right” about them not staying, deep down the thing that you want more than anything is…for them to prove you wrong. To stay. To choose you. Maybe that’s just me. I know this was the case the last time I had one of these episodes - as much as I cared about him (and trust me, I was in deeper than I’d even been before), it hurt more because I really thought this time someone was going to prove me wrong….

You can’t be fully present in a relationship, can’t nurture it if it you’re “loving” someone from the “leaving” perspective. How could you? You’re always expecting them to leave so why would you invest your full emotions, give your full self to something you feel is temporary?

How do you combat that? Wish I knew. I think recognizing the issue is key. I know that it’s there and yes, it still tries to push its way into my conscious when a brother says, “this isn’t working for me”. I recognize it, I acknowledge it but I don’t let it take root anymore. I realize that life and love are rarely about you finding that one person the first time out. Relationships are where you grow, stretch, refine, define and so, I let the thought float into my mind, focus on what I learned this time around and then? I keep it moving. I remind myself that I’m still here, still breathing, still ready to love…still learning and getting better.

What say you?

Live DELICIOUSLY!
Love DEEPLY!

**LRIA = Love’s Reparations in Action. **
Why? Because for me, “Love’s Reparations” is bigger than poetry - it’s a movement.

Somebody cue Fabulous & NeYo “I’m a movement by myself…but I’m a force when we’re together. I’m good all by myself but you, you make me better.”

Yes, I did take down the original post for today. Why? Because. Today? It’s hard. To be in THAT place. To be reminded that while you ARE in THAT place, you are there ALONE. A few days ago, I mentioned that there were some things that I wasn’t going to talk about any more. Not that I don’t think my voice is valid, not that I don’t think I’m being heard or helpful but…sometimes, the world needs to just HEAR your silence, to just sit with it so they realize not only the validity of your words/views but of your feelings. And sometimes, silence speaks the loudest.

This morning, I made the mistake of letting myself go somewhere “mentally” that in it’s current state is not good for me emotionally or any other way. I’m irritated with myself right now because I keep turning that stuff over trying to find myself there. It shouldn’t be that hard. It just shouldn’t. So now, I’m nursing that old wound, the one I thought had scabbed over. It’s all good though. Or at least it will be.

Anyway, in lieu of what was originally posted, I’m doing a repost. Enjoy!

STRONG ENOUGH FOR A WOMAN - AS A WOMAN…BUT MADE FOR A MAN

Not feeling overly bloggish these days but…I need to rescue my blog from blog obscurity AND I told one of my girlfriends that I was going to finish at least one post that I’d started over the last couple of weeks & get it out there. Um…ok, so I’m going to do just that but just so you know, this ISN’T the entry I had intended to use. It is however, the one I NEED.

“Strong Enough for a woman, made for a man.” You remember that slogan, right? Secret deodorant?

I’ve been told that I’m a strong woman, a strong person. I don’t disagree with that assessment. Nor do I apologize for the strength. BUT…I’m also a woman who KNOWS she’s a woman, who likes her softer side, who knows when to let herself be vulnerable, when to call her strength into action. Who knows that it isn’t about being right – it’s about being appreciated, needed, respected, wanted…loved. Who knows that she doesn’t have to use her strength as a weapon AND right about now…I’d give anything to not have to be that strong woman – just for a little while.

To have someone hold my hand, tell me to “Shhhh….be still….rest yourself…”

To pick up the phone, hear you say a simple hello as I dissolve into tears while you say, “I’m on my way”.

To be able to just curl up on the sofa in a hug – warm, deep, inviting – a hug that says “You’re safe. I got you.”

To hear someone say, “You can let your guard down. I’ll keep the world at bay.”

To just BE in that space with someone who gets me – really gets me – both in terms of my words…and my silence. To just BE in that space with them. Letting the silence speak to us, for us, through us. Just being comfortable.

To have that one place where no masks are needed, walls are not allowed, fears are faced head on, judgment is tossed out the window, truth flows freely like oxygen, words mean what we say they mean. That place where you know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that your safety (emotional, physical & otherwise) is first and foremost in that person’s mind. That giving you back your smile is all they want to do in that moment.

Maybe that’s really what I want. Not to forfeit, give up, or trade my strength. But to have a SAFE HAVEN. A place to go to rejuvenate. Rest. Replenish my spirit. Refresh my mind. A place where I can be vulnerable…and still be safe. A place where my worth is recognized – regardless of what I do…or don’t do. A place where I can simply be me – as silly as I want to be, as complicated as I am, kind, funny, tired…whatever combination of me exists at that moment…and it will be all good.

I’m blessed enough to have a few strong ports in the storm. (Pausing to say “Thank You” – you know who you are – it’s all love.) But I’m holding out for that one magical, mystical “Wal-Mart” of safe havens…where I can get everything I need, whenever I need it…24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The cost? The recognition that it’s okay to give into my weakness, my vulnerability some times. That it’s okay to let my guard down. That it’s okay to want or need someone…their strength, their energy, their honesty, their quiet spirit, their laughter, their warmth. To know not only that I want it, that I need it, but also that I truly deserve it, that it’s AUTHENTIC…and freely given.

Knowing that…admitting it…reflects a lot of growth. And it takes a lot of strength….courage…and wisdom. Right now, in THIS moment, I need you. I’m strong enough to admit that….are you strong enough to BE that? Cause right here, right now, in this moment, in this space - I can & do tell you this: I AM strong enough for a woman, strong enough AS a woman…but I’m MADE for a man.

ADDENDUM TO ORIGINAL POST: I don’t want to hear anybody’s statistics. Truth be told, statistics was never my thing…on any level. But what I can tell you & WILL tell you about me and statistics is this:

DEAR “ADAM”,
I AM READY TO HEAR THE RHETORIC & THE STATISTICS & LOVE YOU SO DEEPLY THAT THEY CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE HOW TO MEASURE IT.

LOVE ALWAYS,
“EVE”

That my lovelies? REAL TALK. Spoken with love, in love, for the sake of love. Always Love. ALWAYS.

Live DELICIOUSLY!
Love DEEPLY!
~ J~

Let me just state for the record that this is SO not the post I had in mind but….something about this song stops me every time I hear it. Musiq is pretty much hit-or-miss with me; I like a few cuts on each of his CDs but rarely have I loved the entire CD. This song? LAWDHAMMERCY. To say the message in the music touched a nerve is putting it mildly. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s coming from a Black man, or because it’s coming from a man in general, or if it’s just the fact that SOMEBODY is saying it. I’ve had that song on replay for a while now, just letting it wash over me…leaving little poetic goodies in its wake. (They’re not in a “shareable” state just yet…)

Part of me hears the lyrics and wonders, can we teach another person how to love? If it’s true that we teach people how to treat us, does that automatically translate to them being able to love you? Or is it simply a case of teaching them to treat you the way you want to be treated (not to make that a bad thing)? I hear this song and I also wonder if, when we ask someone to “teach me how to love” are we not in part asking them to show us that we ourselves are worthy of being loved?

I’m not sure about the first question - if you’re really TEACHING them to love you or just to be “courteous” and “respectful”. Gonna need to ponder that for a minute. The second point? I definitely think we’re asking the other person to show us that we’re worthy of love. Yes, you should come into the relationship with a good sense of who you are and a healthy dose of self-love. I also think that having someone show you that they love you and that you matter through their actions, their words, their attention can inspire you to a deeper love of both yourself and the other person. And who wouldn’t to sign up for that??

Musiq goes deep in that song - talking about the things he’s never seen people do, never been taught. I’m sure that rings true for a lot of people, myself included. It’s scary to stand before someone and say “I don’t know how to do this. I want to get it right but I need you to help me.” But you know what? You can’t be healed or helped if you don’t open up to someone. No one can SAVE you but someone else can help you heal the wounds to your heart and spirit. BUT it starts with you being ready to go there. It’s not for the faint of heart. Having stood on the edge of that very place, I can tell you it is scary – but definitely worth it if you just step into it with your whole heart.

For me, this song also speaks about finding a heart that understands you, someone who makes you feel so safe that you strip down emotionally and unashamed in front of them, someone who gets you - truly gets you - even when you DON’T want to be gotten, no matter how much stuff you bring to the table. Especially then. Someone who basically sees through that stuff and they’re still standing by you, waiting for you to realize what they realize: they aren’t going anywhere and that you’re worth it. I’m learning that the whole “emotionally nudity” thing is tricky, a double-edged sword so to speak. People say they want it but just like you being “physically” naked, it isn’t for everybody and not everyone will appreciate seeing you in the buff.

I think back to certain relationships (they shall remain anonymous cause um…they just shall a’ight?). Relationships that I *thought* had a degree of longevity…or the potential for longevity. When they ended, yes I thought the world had ended with them, that I had just curled up inside myself and died. But once I got to the other side of that pain, I had such an epiphany (yep, another “Beautiful Epiphany”). What was this new epiphany you ask?

It’s a two-part epiphany – a rich thought too. Part I: A relationship should minister to your spirit – on all levels. I’ve been blessed enough to have relationships that did exactly that, even if I didn’t realize it in the moment.

The deeper epiphany (Part II) is this: not everyone who ministers to your spirit is meant for a lifetime. “Traveling ministries”. Remember that. That epiphany is more difficult to deal with at times, especially when you have “forever” on your mind and are trying to will it into the relationship. What I realize now about those relationships, the “traveling ministries” is that they’re a lot like Revival – it’s an awakening of sorts, a deeper level of awareness. I think about these relationships, the “Revivals”, and remember that I “felt” broken (and probably would have said I was when I was in the midst of it) when in actuality, what we shared purified me in many ways. It unearthed issues, wounds that I thought I’d dealt with or that I didn’t even know existed. Having them placed plainly before me forced me to deal with them. Hiding was no longer an option.

I know, I’m all over the place so coherency will be a hidden blessing. This song just shakes some things loose for me, helps me connect the dots in other places. Isn’t that what “Revival” is about?

Live DELICIOUSLY!
~ J ~