So, what’s in heavy rotation in your MP3? Right now, I am l-o-v-i-n-g Emily King’s “Eastside Story”. You’ve probably heard the first cut from this CD in radio rotation - “Walk in My Shoes”. Got a nice old school funky bass line to it. I’m playing this CD so much, I can’t even remember what other CDs I picked up the same day. Here’s one of my favorite cuts, “U & I”:

So there’s a bill before the VA General Assembly. According to said proposed legislation, a person would be allowed to carry a concealed weapon into a bar…provided that person went to the barkeep and said, “I have a conceealed weapon, a permit to carry it. Please don’t serve me any alcohol.” You’re laughing? I’m serious.

Voters turned out in record numbers to vote in the Democratic Primary a few weeks back. It was a beautiful thang…regardless of who they voted for. Now, you’da thunk that folks were watching what was going on across the nation and prepared accordingly right? *SIGH* Oh no. Not “The Commonwealth of VA”. The number of ballots made available in polling places was derived “simply” by looking at previous turnout and doing a basic extrapolation. That might have sufficed except for the fact that folks are fired up about the Democratic race and are turning out in droves. Why oh why did folks in Chesterfield County - upon finding out they were running out of ballots - instruct people to write their choices on a piece of paper and place it in the ballot box?!?! Why?? Now the whole process is being reviewed.

*sigh* Apparently VA isn’t just for lovers….it’s for foolishness too….

I was half-watching “Quarterlife” tonight. In one scene, there’s a chick who’s videoblogging about her life (including the foibles of her friends…unbeknowst to them) who’s watching a guy she’s in love with watching her roommate who he’s in love with as she dances with her boyfriend who happens to be the guy’s bestfriend. Got it? ‘K. Point is, she’s watching them and thinks to herself something like, “I’ve always been able to “see” other people, to know what they’re thinking and feeling. How come no one ever sees me?”

*SIGH*

Been there. Done that. Felt like I was wearing a cloak of invisibility. (Ironic considering how much of my life I TRIED to be invisible…but that’s a whole ‘nother post.)

Let me see if I can tie that scene and her sense of invisibility into a thought I had on the way home today. Remember this post, Beautiful Epiphany? That was a case where I “saw” someone so clearly it scared the stuffing out of him. Honestly, it freaked me out a first too but…I held myself in place, made myself stand up under all of it…cause I knew what was on the other side of that minor discomfort was worth it. Well, you know when folks who try to hide are found out, chances are that someone might just get hurt. I did. Licked my wounds. Moved on. With my vision clear. Or so I thought….

And then today I realize that God had orchestrated another situation in my life just like that Only this time? I was the person being seen through. It was…different…challenging…somewhat scary…but never once did I doubt that it wouldn’t be worth standing up under. Why? Cause better than being good “TO” me, that brother was/is sho’ nuff good “FOR” me. Beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I shared a poem with one of my writing groups that talked about a man who is the kind of man I could grown into, whose love is the kind that I could grow into. Yes, that was my poetic ode to you. (Ok, I confess - it was ONE of my poetic odes to you.)

Isn’t that the ultimate? To be in love with someone who challenges you in all the right ways? Who won’t let you cut corners or sell yourself short? A person who you can grow INTO? I remember a conversation from years ago with someone I was ending a relationship with and we talked about relationships/growing. It too became poetic fodder…including a reference to him saying we were breaking up because we’d outgrown each other and me pointing out the real truth - ironic though it might have been: we’d never grown INTO each other.

To YOU is say, “Thank you.” Thank you for seeing me completely naked and never once flinching. For reflecting my worth back to me in every way possible. Know that I’m standing still. You…are…a love song.

Let’s just end this post on that note shall we? Oh, here’s another of my favorite songs from another of my favorite artist - Lizz Wright singing “My Heart”.

Lizz Wright - My Heart

I wrote this piece a while back. When I was trying to find some peace, some “logic” behind the “why” of a relationship that went awry. I’d like to say it was a situation where I was “absolved” of any responsibility in the “demise” of what probably never should have been in the first place. More to the point, the “demise” of what turned out to be exactly what it was meant to be - a learning experience. I would receive no absolution this time.

I was drawn to him for many reasons - he’s intellect, sense of humor, common interests, etc. Did I mention that he’s attractive? But I think what drew me the most, the phemerone that pulled me closest to him? BROKENNESS. In spite of everything we see as his exterior, I sensed some wounds. And that’s all I needed. I donned my rescue outfit and headed into deep water. Not realizing that it was my own reflection that I saw - in the water…and in him.

Make no mistake about it - I realized in the moment that I had some “chips” (though I probably wouldn’t have labeled it ‘brokenness’…even though that’s what it was). I thought since they were “chips”, we could smooth those over and love our way through them…especially while “we” were working to repair “his” breaks. Repeat after me: “Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the most broken one of all?” Can you imagine how I felt when the “mirror” answered “YOU”? Ha!

No one is responsible for your healing other than you. People can be instruments IN that healing but ultimately, it’s on you. In the end, the battle to heal yourself, to love and be loved, to be whole, healthy & happy is YOURS. (Check the job description if you don’t believe me.)

If you’re not ready, willing and able to step into the battle, don’t recruit others.

Live DELICIOUSLY!
~ J ~

A few weeks back, I was invited to be a “panelist” on a radio talk show addressing relationships – primarily Black relationships (specific title for the show was “Where are the Brothers?”). The discussion ran the gamut – why Black women are “angry”, why we don’t appear to be the choice for many Black men today, what can we as Black people do, what it is that Black women are looking for, etc. It was an interesting discussion – one that left me both wired…and tired.

One of the trains of thought that came up had to do with how we are raised. Specifically, cases where you have a male being raised by a single mother who caters to him to some degree for whatever reason. To Mama, he can do no wrong and so he never really learns responsibility. You know that whole adage, “Mamas love their sons and raise their daughters”. So, according to my co-panelists, the guy goes out into the world not really understanding or wanting to take on responsibility. He goes out into the world looking for a woman who will “mother” him – a replacement for his mom. (Ironic huh? Women supposedly are looking for their “daddy”, men are supposedly looking for their “momma”. No wonder we can’t “find” each other – we don’t know who it is we’re looking for.)

I didn’t delve too much into part of the discussion – didn’t wanna get caught out there talking about anybody’s momma – directly or indirectly. Actually, I didn’t delve into for one perfectly good reason: WE NEED TO GROW THE F*CK UP.

What I mean is this: if you are an adult – regardless of how you were raised - two parent home, single parent, raised by grandparents, adoption, foster care, raised by wolves…the bottom line is YOU ARE GROWN. You are responsible for YOU from this point forward. What you do or don’t do to help yourself is all on you.

At what point do you stop to take a good, hard look at yourself and say, “I need to make some changes. This isn’t working for me”? And I mean that for ANY adult, not just men. Seriously. We all have some level of dysfunction in our families, some issues from how we were raised. It happens. That’s on whoever was perpetrating the situation when you were a child – whoever was the adult in the situation. If it’s happening now, Baby that’s all on you.

You can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge.

I know how hard it can be growing up with all kinds of baggage-creating stuff pre-stacked in your relationship closet. Trust me. I’m still working through issues of my own. But I can’t do the work, get down to the real nitty gritty in order to let it go if I keep glossing over it or using it as a excuse. I had to learn to let a whole lot of stuff go, to work through it, to forgive and move on. Otherwise, that stuff would cripple me mentally, spiritually, emotionally.

I’d like to think that what Maya Angelou says is true, “People do the best they know how. When they know better, they do better.” I believe in giving people of the benefit of the doubt and say they did the best they could in the situation. Regardless, YOU are grown, YOU are wherever it is YOU are in terms of life, love and relationships. What are YOU going to do?

If you are grown – I don’t care if you’re still living IN your Mama’s house – decide today that you want to do something different, to be different – that you are ready, willing and able to put in the work to get to a place where YOU are responsible for YOU and take responsibility for moving yourself forward.

Regardless of whether you grew up without your father, whether your mother was mean to you, whether you grew up poor, on welfare, had to live in a group home, came from a dysfunctional family, etc….YOU GREW UP. You are not your circumstances.

It’s time to lay down that crutch of a rough childhood and walk on your own.

~ QUOTABLE ~

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anais Nin

“From this moment forward, I will accept responsibility for my past. I understand that the beginning of wisdom is to accept the responsibility for my own problems and that by accepting responsibility for my past, I free myself to move into a bigger, brighter future of my own choosing.” ~ Andy Andrews

“It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are.” ~ e.e. cummings

“Anything in life that we don’t accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it.” ~ Shakti Gawain