“Being Deeply Loved by Someone Gives You Strength While Loving Someone Deeply Give You Courage.”
~ Lao Tzu ~

**What can I say? I had the best of intentions for dropping a Valentine’s post but circumstances forced a change of plans. Nevertheless, I thought this article by Valorie Burton was worth sharing. After all, greeting card companies, chocolate manufacturers, florists, etc may hype THIS one day up in terms of “LOVE” but REAL LOVE is day-by-day, moment-by-moment…that ooey gooey stuff that fills in the crevices of our lives. Enjoy the read!

Are You Easy to Love? Seven Keys to Love and Be Loved

Dear Friend,
Since February is the month we talk most about love, I’d like to share a column that I wrote previously and think you may enjoy it this week.

I bought a cute card for my then three-year old goddaughter. Her birthday falls on Valentine’s Day and the card jokingly said, “People born on Valentine’s Day are easier to love.” It occurred to me, “Some people really are easier to love, aren’t they?” Why is that? I think it is because some people are better at loving others. Because they express love in healthy ways on a consistent basis, they also attract love into their lives. It is a simple principle most of us have been taught repeatedly: What you sow, you will also reap.

This week, I would like to serve as your loving reminder of what it means to love someone. These are seven straightforward, at times difficult, but always effective strategies for loving others - and experiencing more love in your life. Saint Paul wrote them in the 13th chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians. We often hear the scripture recited at weddings. This week, meditate on these seven principles. Find news ways to express love on a daily basis and strengthen your daily interaction with others — whether loved ones or strangers, co-workers or neighbors. The greatest use of your life is to love. When you apply this kind of love to a situation, it never fails:

1. LOVE IS PATIENT.
People won’t always do what you want when you want them to. Practice being patient - whether with your children, your significant other or the grocery cashier who takes too long to ring up your order. Everything happens for a reason - and that includes the timing of when things happen. Be patient and learn the lesson that comes in the process of enduring the wait. Sometimes the lesson is simple: Slow down and enjoy life.

2. LOVE IS KIND.
Every single day, choose to be kind. Ask yourself each morning, “How could I be a blessing to someone today?” Whether it is a kind word, a loving gesture or helping someone in need, seek ways to be kind daily. Not only will it be a blessing to those you encounter, but it feels good to your soul.

3. LOVE DOES NOT ENVY.
There will always be someone who appears to have “more” or to be doing better. Make a decision not to be envious of others, but in every circumstance of life to find a reason to be thankful. Jealousy poisons your attitude, builds resentment and can ruin relationships. Rather than envying others, learn from them. Even be inspired by them. And simultaneously, choose to be content with what you have while you journey towards something better.

4. LOVE DOES NOT BOAST AND IS NOT PROUD.
Resist the temptation to boast about yourself, your accomplishments or your loved ones. It often only makes others feel “less than,” which of course, is not an expression of love. Practice humility. Allow your accomplishments to speak for themselves. Others often notice your good work and deeds, even without you having to make a big deal of them. In fact, it is far more attractive to simply “be” great than to try to convince others of your greatness.

5. LOVE IS NOT RUDE OR EASILY ANGERED.
We’ve all had our moments when our behavior has been less than considerate. Next time you feel the urge to be rude, inconsiderate or to jump to conclusions, stop yourself. Take a deep breath and ask, “What would be a more loving response to this situation?” That doesn’t mean that you allow others to walk all over you. You can speak the truth to people in a very matter of fact way, without being rude. Be considerate of others feelings and be willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

6. LOVE KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS.
Have you ever known someone who remembered every mistake you ever made or everything you ever did wrong? As you have grown and become a better person, all they can remember is the person you used to be. It is very frustrating and you may even find yourself ready to distance yourself from that person. Learn from the past behavior of others - and protect yourself accordingly, when necessary - but resist the temptation to continually bring up everything someone has done wrong. Love others by encouraging them towards a better future, not defining them by their past.

7. LOVE REJOICES IN THE TRUTH.
So often, it seems we are afraid of the truth. When something is wrong, we pretend everything is OK. Often both parties will pretend even when both parties know there is a problem. One of the most important love skills you can learn is to be honest. Refuse to live lies or to accept lies as truth. Have truthful conversations with yourself and others. It allows you to get to the core of issues faster. It empowers others to trust you. It relieves the stress of tiptoeing around the real issues. Learn to speak the truth in a spirit of love and kindness, and your life will be richer and more fulfilling.

Until next time …

Warm wishes,
Valorie

Love Languages: Are YOU Fluent?

** This is an old article that I thought I’d share based on the book “The Five Languages of Love” **

Why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? The problem is that what has been overlooked is one fundamental truth: People speak different love languages.

Your emotional love language and the language of your partner may be as different as Chinese from English. Being sincere is not enough. Seldom do partners have the same primary love language. We must be willing to learn our partner’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

There are basically five emotional love languages. Here are the five ways that people speak and understand emotional love:

Words of Affirmation: Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation.

Quality Time: Looking at each other and talking, giving your undivided attention. That twenty or more minutes of time will never be had again: we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful communicator of love.

Receiving Gifts: A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say “Look, he was thinking of me,” or “She remembered me”. The gift is a symbol of thought and the thought remains not only in the mind but is expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as an expression of love.

Acts of Service: Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her. These acts require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy.

Physical Touch: For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse. The touch of love may take many forms. Don’t make the mistake that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her. When we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our conflicts and failures.

What if the love language of your spouse is something that doesn’t come naturally to you? When an action doesn’t come naturally it is a greater expression of love.

—Source: The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman

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Here are my questions to you….

1. Do you believe there are are “languages” when it comes to love?

2. Do you know what YOUR language is? The one you “speak” most consistently? The one that comes most NATURALLY to you?

3. Do you know what your spouse’s/significant other’s language is?

4. Do you think there are other languages of love?

5. How do you learn to speak the other person’s language?

Interesting.

Be back later (um, maybe LOL) with my responses!

What? I’m on call. Sheesh!!

** I love that last part of this article - how learning to speak a language that doesn’t come naturally is a GREATER expression of love. *sigh* It is. It shows a deeper level of commitment, a willingness and desire to move beyond YOUR comfort zone because you know it will make you (individually & collectively) better. And if THAT ain’t what it’s all about, I don’t know what is.

This topic reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend almost two years ago (missed our “anniversary” again, didn’t you? LOL) where he told me what he thought the most important things were in a relationship. One of them was compromise. And he was honest enough to say that was a bit difficult for him. Truth be told? It’s hard for most of us although I think as women, we’re raised to be more compromising. *shrug* My point is, he says it’s hard for him but…I’ve seen him do that. He also says he’s the most IMPATIENT person I’ll ever meet. But, I’ve seen him step waaaaay to the left of that. He may not recognize either of those things for what they are but, I do. Not only do I recognize them, I appreciate them even more because I know it’s not his norm. Just another one of the reasons…I’m feeling him…the way…I’m feeling him….. (More than jellybeans Sweetie. More.Than.Jellybeans.)

Today’s smile? It bears your name…. (If THAT ain’t a piece of poetry waiting to happen. See? You do know how to Make it like Poetry )

Um…er…rah…what was I talking about again? *giggle*

** It should be noted that yours truly is in a foul mood. Correction: a foul a** mood. Not brought upon by the subject of this post; howsomever, the subject of this post is NOT helping said mood. Me gwin’ quarantine myself shortly. No fear. **

‘Member when we were kids and all the books/stories we read ended with “THE END”? Thinking about that makes me laugh - like we were too young and/or naive to grasp that the story was over.

And then…I get a call from an ex. And suddenly, not recognizing “THE END” isn’t funny anymore. *sigh*

Clearly he misunderstood “THE END”. A-frigging-gain.

Let me point out a few things. This particular ex is someone I dated for quite a few years (though if we were to subtract all the ‘down time’…it would probably be a very short relationship). This particular ex is someone with whom I’ve not had a relationship since the late 90’s. THIS particular ex is making my teeth itch…and we all know that THAT is not good.

Here’s the deal. Over the holiday weekend, I ran into a friend who happens to be the wife of my “adopted” big brother…and the man who introduced me to “the-man-formerly-know-as-my-boyfriend”. We did a little catch-up and exchanged numbers. I knew then that I’d get a call from him - it was just a matter of time. Actually it turned out to be a matter of hours. I think a day passed before he called. (Now the fact that she gave him my cell number is slightly irritating but oh well.)

No big deal. I harbor no ill-will. I can certainly be civil & carry on a conversation. But Dude called me as I was getting ready to head out so I didn’t have a lot of time. And when he’s nervous, he does way too much hemming & hawing. I used to say to him “stop fluffing me - say it.” And this day, I needed him to get to the point & get off my phone so I could get moving.

We talk about the usual - family, work, yada yada yada. And then…he asks…what he always asks when he works up the nerve to call….”Can I stop by?” Nope. Followed by “Can I call you again?” Nope. Of course he doesn’t “understand” why I say no. Of course he doesn’t.

*Insert INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH S-I-G-H*

No. For what? And my saying “no” wasn’t a signal to begin negotiations - it was yet again another “The End” that he failed to recognize. I’m trying to be civil but when I tell you I know what he’s thinking, believe me. Am I psychic? No - well, mayhap to some slim degree but I don’t need to be. Calling him “PREDICTABLE” would be the greatest understatement known to man. He thinks that “claiming friendship” will be a placeholder of sorts for something else to resurface. It’s not. I’m not big on TV reruns so you KNOW I’m not big on entertaining them in my personal life. No thank you.

He goes on about something I said to him way back in the day that he didn’t heed or think meant anything. Now he realizes whatever he realizes. My patience is worn O-U-T. Not thin. OUT. I’m tired. And as much as I love to dance, THIS particular dance is one that I willingly sit out.

So I take a deep breath and tell him as calmly as I possibly can that while I appreciate the fact that my words hold some value to him, I don’t see that as cause for his feet to rest under my table in this lifetime. I don’t. I don’t see any reason for us to “hang out”. We are NOT friends. We don’t need to be. And honestly? I don’t want to be. What we are is “FRIENDLY” meaning if I see you out somewhere, we can do about 3-5 minutes of casual conversation, wish each other well and be on our way. It’s just that simple.

The fact that I could accurately anticipate every morsel of conversation he pulled out of his bag is NOT a good sign. It means that he has not grown any in all this time. That is bigger than a red flag for me. Don’t get me wrong - he’s a nice enough person but…I need something DEEPER than “nice”. He does not personify that something deeper. At all.

And me letting him think that he can call me anytime or drop by now and then would do nothing to help him swim into his particular brand of “deeper”.

He gets a bit testy. I laugh. Not loud. Not even maliciously. Well, it was a wee bit on the evil side but he should be astute enough to heed the flashing lights. He has a mini-episode of some kind mumbling about how I can’t be friends with him but I’m still friends with some other folk I’ve dated. I assure him that he’s crossed the line into what is CLEARLY “nunya”…and the fact that he’s not friends with ANYONE he ever dated (or married…*sigh* me not gwin’ dere…not today…) CLEARLY says more about HIM than about the women. *shrug*

Lawd! Why can’t folk just let “ovah” be “OVAH”? Dang! I’m not trying to hurt his feelings but I told ya’ll I was in a mood. I gave him ample warning. He tells me that something about the fact that he’s still calling me/thinking about me after all this time should mean something to me.

Ha! Is this the part where I’m supposed to be flattered? Without getting into too much of the history of this mystery, I tell him that I’m in no way flattered. He didn’t call me cause he wanted to necessarily go back down memory lane. He called cause he’s lonely. He called cause when you’re alone AND lonely and no one appears to be coming across the horizon, what you “had” looks so much better.

LET.IT.GO.

Wait, try this: LET.IT.GO.AND.MOVE.ON.

Double up on it if you must. Just get’r done. Just do it. Just…be blessed….but….be….gone.

** It should also be noted that this post was written a couple of days ago so…my “foul arse mood” has been downgraded to “lightly foul”. And I’m about to rectify that with a ROAD TRIP. Capital Jazz Festival, here I come. Just point me in the direction of Ledisi and Eric Roberson…and some French-Canadian men willing to sing love songs to me in the middle of a gas station right ’round the midnight hour. LOL **

Happy Weekend! Stay cool!!
*~* MsJayy *~*

Is it just me or do you hear Mint Condition singing “Nothing Left to Say”? Alternating with CeCe Peniston’s “Walk On”? Oh. It’s prolly just me. *shrug*