Teaching Men to Cheat CORRECTLY….

W.T.F.??

Seriously.

WTF?

The topic on the Tom Joyner Morning Show today is “The Man is Mine”. To break it down, it’s about cheating, sharing, when you found out he was cheating, etc.

This sister came on to promote a book she’s writing - something like “The Official Woman’s Guide to How a Man Should Cheat”. For real.

She says her book will detail

* the best times of day to cheat (between 7am-7pm)
* who to cheat with
* sexual acts/positions to avoid (she recommends that there is no face-to-face sex where you’re gazing into each other’s eyes and no kissing - mouth to mouth…”too intimate” and coud lead the woman to believe the situation is more than what it is)
* how to avoid being caught

She also says that women talk too much, nag too much, we’re tired all the time, and that women aren’t really holding it down in the kitchen or the bedroom. (Hmmm…didn’t Damon Wayans just say the same thing? U-G-H) Oh yeah, she also says we’re either the woman being cheated on or the woman he’s cheating with. Check it out for yourself: http://www.blackamericaweb.com/site.aspx/tjms/listen/cheater

(Not to be outdone, there’s another book on the market that gives you over 800 signs that he’s cheating. You know what worries me about THAT book? I think I said it before but I’ll repeat it: the book gives over 800 “signs” and you know out there somewhere, someone isn’t going to believe their partner is cheating until they can check off each and every one of them. *smh*)

*SIGH*

SWEET JESUS PART THE SKY.

Last week, I mentioned being invited to facilitate what I was calling “Conversations & Couples” sessions. Um, I don’t think I’m on this list as moderator anymore. See, the very first ‘conversation’ my friend wanted to host had to do with cheating. Now, I love good conversation - whether it’s one-on-one or in a group. And, I’m not opposed to a dialogue on cheating.

HOWSOMEVER, I’m not a fan of dialogue for sensation, controversy, etc. The very first topic on his list was “Who Cheats More – Men or Women”. Now, I’ve heard those kinds of discussions before. It’s ugly. Painful. Divisive. I’ve never been around one, heard one or read about it where it didn’t become ugly. I don’t see the point in the discussion so I choose to take my energy elsewhere. B seems to think it can be productive…but he can’t explain to me how.

Cheating is such a volatile topic. It’s almost impossible to have a conversation about it without injecting your personal experience in the dialogue. It’s like lighting a stick of dynamite and expecting it to be a sparkler.

B says I’m being too ‘idealistic’ – he said it like it’s an illness. I’ve been called that before. *shrug* Sometimes I am. It’s not that I don’t think people cheat, it’s not like I think cheating is simply going to stop one day. I just can’t see the rationale behind the weighing and measuring of who cheats more. It’s not that I think women DON’T cheat - I know better. Nor do I think ALL men cheat. But think about it: you’re in a relationship, your partner comes in and admits to cheating. Are you really going to stop and run through the stats in your mind and figure out how his/her cheating tips the scales? Hell to da naw!

In that moment, you’re most likely not going to hear anything else that’s said – not the who, what, why, when, how or why of it all – you simply hear the words, “Um…I’ve been seeing someone else”. And when you come to, you simply pray that you didn’t choke said partner to death…just til said partner became woozy. (Ooops. Had a flashback. ‘Scuse me.)

Okay…for the record, he didn’t get choked. He did, however, have to patch a huge hole in the wall after that lead crystal ashtray was lobbed at his head. To quote Maxwell Smart, “Missed him by that much.” Yeah, Zahara ain’t the only one with a mean throwing arm. *wink*

I’m a connoisseur of good conversation. Generally speaking, no topic is off limits though timing may be an issue. That’s not to say that you can walk up to me all brand new, barely knowing me and think I’m gonna let it all hang out. Not. But for those who know me, we can/do talk about it all. Well, except for one thing. It’s not a conversation that makes me uncomfortable or sad or whatever. It’s just that, when my family broaches the subject, “things” start happening.

The topic. Asking about or mentioning an ex. I don’t mean the kind of conversations about ‘remember the time ABC told this story about the old couple who died ‘parked up’ in the woods?” or ‘remember the time XYZ insisted he could play ball…and we found out the hard way that he really couldn’t?”. No, I’m talking about those conversations where they ask if I’d heard from or seen an ex. Or where they happened to have seen/heard from one of them. Or they start musing aloud about how “nice” so-and-so was, how much they liked him. (Those conversations normally end with me saying something like, “Then YOU date him.”) Yeah. THOSE conversations. What normally happens after those almost-conversations is I actually run into the person or they call.

I had one too many of them this week. BigSis#1 happened to ask about XYZ (BigSis#2 & her hubby asked about him last week). Who calls me out of the blue with reminiscing in his voice? *SIGH* Then we have to dabble in the rundown of “the good times” and all my “good qualities”. Dude, not to be rude but what’s the point? “WE” are NOT going to be “we” again. “WE” aren’t even going to be friends. That’s not who we are to each other. Now, don’t get it twisted – I don’t hold any ill-will but dang, over is over.

Then someone else tells me they heard from ABC. (Note: Um, ABC? I know that sometimes you pass through and read the page. Oh well.) He asked about me. Cool. But then…he swerved trying to travel back down memory lane even though there’s a “Road Closed” sign. Can I tell ya’ll it’s been at least 12 years since we dated? Yep. Do I think my stuff is all that? Yes. (Ha! Did you REALLY think I was gonna say NO? Puhlease!) But more importantly, I know that when you’re in a relationship (or married with kids for goodness sake!!) and things hit a snag or aren’t going as you’d like/hoped, it’s easy to think back to the relationship(s) you were in before you this one (or before you said “I Do”). And every time ABC has a conversation with some mutual friends, he goes to that same place. Always ending with not understanding why we broke up…or more specifically, why I broke up with him. Really? The few times we’ve come into contact, has ABC ever asked me for clarification? Nope. Would it have mattered then? Nope. Does it matter now? Nope. So, what’s the point? Nothing. Now, if he asks, I’ll tell him - I just don’t see the relevancy.

Conversations my fam has with ABC always end up with a discussion on their part about how maybe I’m “too picky”. Since there were only two people in that relationship (well, as far as everyone else knows), they can think what they like. Who am I to divest them of their opinions, no matter how far off-base they may be? My mom is famous for lamenting aloud, “Ain’t nobody ever tell me why they broke up.” I remind her that I didn’t break up with her – I broke up with him. That gets me an “Mmph” and a look that says she’s tempted to smack the impudence off my lips.

And so it continues today with me getting a call from 123. *Sigh* He’s going on and on about what he misses about me which makes me laugh because it sounds very much like the same list of reasons he recited when we broke up. So I invite him to very quickly cut to the chase cause I’m really not feeling this. He reminds me of one of our last conversations. The one where he got caught up in a lie so tight, it left him with all kinds of indentations. He reminds me of how calm I was as I simply stated that I was done – as were “we”- and that I wished him well. And some other stuff about how I knew that I wasn’t the one and had no interest in trying to force myself to be either. That I didn’t have any issues with her but rather him for growing a lie where only the truth should bloom. For some reason, he felt the need to let me know that I was right. That he was wrong for not understanding why I was upset with HIM and not her. And that he made himself miserable for a long time trying to prove me wrong. *SIGH* I have to laugh as I tell him that I truly was not checking for him like that.

My fam used to think I was bitter about one or two of my past relationships, especially since I never went into details as to why things ended. I’m not bitter – I never was – I was just on to what was next. If I were to run into any of these guys, we could have a conversation – no problem. We can and we have. If they’re passing through and want to grab a cup of coffee, cool. We can and we have. We’re not going to hang out and be fast friends (especially me and ABC cause as much as he tries to hide it, he’s still using that “let’s be friends” as a placeholder thinking he can work his way back in). Um, as Keyshia Coles would say “Let it Go!” Truthfully, I’m friends with a few of the guys that I dated so it’s very much an individual thing - not a group dismissal of exes.

The evening picked up quite nicely though. I had a wonderful conversation with…um… “POI” (“person of interest”). Lots of laughter, getting-to-know-you moments…and even a few rounds of “name-that-tune” (Told you I was the reigning champ!).

Conversation good enough to make me forget those “leftover conversations”…to liberate me from that visitation of exes.

“Somebody” out there is looking at this particular blog, hearing Beyonce and is ready to either write me off or host an intervention. Relax - I like the song AND it fits the topic. Now if I show up with a gift box of all her CDs/videos, THEN you can start the intervention. Anywho, intervention notwithstanding, I love the sentiment of this song.

You’ve heard the saying that “LOVE IS BLIND” before right? Do you believe it? I don’t. Love ain’t blind. For the record, it ain’t cripple or crazy either…no matter how much we twist ourselves and our emotions around some nonsense that we’ve labeled “Love”.

Love isn’t blind. It sees everything - with better than 20/20 vision. It just happens to see it through a filter that lets it weed out what’s truly important and what isn’t. On the surface, it’s easy to love someone when things are going smoothly; the real test comes when “life” shows up in any agitated form. You find out a lot about a person when life shifts a bit under their feet or yours.

Perfection in and of itself is an illusion. Who defines perfection? Is there some agency that sets the standards and does random quality checks to be sure everything is up to snuff? No? Exactly. It’s subjective, meaning you have to define it for yourself. Personally, I’ll take the one who, flaws and all, is perfect for me.

We’re all flawed in some way or another. It doesn’t mean we’re not capable of loving someone else, or that we ourselves aren’t capable or deserving of love. Don’t be so quick to say “LOVE IS BLIND”. Love isn’t about asking anyone to give up their common sense or turn a blind eye to behaviors or traits that fly in the face of what’s good for them. Too often we’re in such a rush to lay claim to Love that we turn a blind eye to things that should be automatic red flags for us. You need to know that is NOT Love. While Love does require compromise, you need to know that Love will not ask you to compromise yourself to that degree. You can call it “love” but trust and believe, LOVE - real, authentic LOVE - will not answer.

I hear people say “Love is Blind” in various scenarios – where the two people are of different races/ethnicities, maybe different religious beliefs, or maybe where their physical presences don’t seem to “match up” in someone else’s eyes. Or where one (or maybe both) people have some behaviors or traits that others see as questionable.

From a racial/ethnicity perspective, Love isn’t blind and you shouldn’t be either. I remember saying that, when I interact with people, I don’t see color. That’s not true – I “see” it, but I don’t let it define the interaction. NOT acknowledging something so important opens the door for issues. NOT acknowledging differences in things like race, ethnicity, religion, etc. negates a large part of who the other person is, a large part of what makes them the way they are. You’re tossing out a lifetime of history, culture and experiences by turning a “blind” eye to those things.

When I was younger and walking around mumbling about “Love is Blind”, it simply meant that I had no clue who I was or what I was worth and so, I dealt with a lot of unnecessary bs (is there such a thing as “necessary” bs?), settling for emotional crumbs trying not to see what was staring me in the face. I had to get my vision straight or continue letting myself be treated poorly…in the name of love.

That blurred vision caused me some emotional pain but, like Granny always said, “Just keep on living Baby, life will sho’ nuff teach you”. And it did. I found myself “stuck” in some “relationships” that, while emotionally painful to live through, proved to be great laboratories - a place to experiment, find out what worked, what didn’t, what hurt, what burned, what felt right. What I learned is that, every relationship has it’s ups and downs but Bullshyt? That’s completely optional.

So, for a man who gives good conversation, I’m blind to stuff like whether the cap is on or off the toothpaste or that the toilet seat is up. For a man who knows quiet on my part doesn’t mean something’s wrong with “us” but rather that some thing’s on my mind that I need to process…him standing in the door of the refrigerator “letting all the cold air out” doesn’t matter. A man who’ll let my Peabo Bryson CD’s rest among his prized collection. Who isn’t suprised when the CD player rotates between Peabo, Fred Hammond, Norah Jones, Creed, Dixie Chicks, and Jill Scott cause I’m ecletic like that. Who knows that, while the gravy isn’t “pretty”, it’s edible AND actually tastes good. The one who offers you jellybeans and a backrub after a hard day? Who doesn’t see all those lit candles as a sign that you’re either holding a seance or you’re a pyromaniac. Who has learned to sleep through me singing in the shower at 5am? When you can share space - physically and otherwise - with someone who sees all those little pieces of your personality (and sometimes all at once) and they’re still there -holding your hand, providing a hug or an ear? That’s what’s up.

When they see you clearly - flaws and all - and they don’t flinch? That’s when “Love is Blind”. I’d give up my “sight” to be able to relax into something like that. Real talk.

Next time you find yourself saying “Love is Blind”, take it deeper. You might need to adjust your vision too.