Finding myself awake at 12:30am, I tell myself to breathe. Slow. Repetitive. Deep breaths. Close my eyes. Will the stress, anxiety, pain and whatever else is robbing me of sleep to leave my body, limb by limb. Starting with my toes, working up to my head. I try to visualize it leaving my body until I’m left cuddled up with those cute little counting sheep from the commercial.

Nope. Not working.

Crap.

I’ve had enough of this. Really. Monday through Friday. Same thing. I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning. WIDE AWAKE. This morning? I woke up at 12:30am. I’m not in any pain. No headache, no tummy ache. Not feeling tired. Not “feeling” stressed or anxious. But something is clearly amiss. Isn’t it? I mean, really - waking up weekdays between 12am-4am can NOT be normal. Can it?

Nevertheless, here I am. And so, I’ll try a brain-dump but be warned - at this time of morning and this little sleep, I can’t be held accountable for what comes up. Yep. That’s my disclaimer.

* Still haven’t seen “Good Hair”. Not sure I want to. I know I don’t “need” to but I’m a little curious. Just not sure I’m ‘full-movie-price’ curious (or even matinee price curious). For now, I say this: a movie was made about Black women and hair and there’s no footage of natural hair? So…are we all born with perms and weaves? I remember when talk of this movie first started and Chris Rock said he was doing it for his young daughter who asked why she didn’t have “good hair”. Sorry but if he’s not starting at natural hair AND including a bit of the politics re: standards of beauty in this country, he failed his daughter AND everyone else.

* I have an ex who people ask about from time to time. Decent guy but still, an ex. It never fails - whenever someone asks about him, I get a phone call. Someone asked about him Tuesday. Saturday? Phone call. Says what he always says after we muddle through the “how’s-your-family” stuff. That he’s different now, that he’s changed. He misses our friendship. Can we hang out? Translation: “Can we give this another try? My plea for “friendship” is simply a form of “layaway” for the relationship I really want us to have.” *sigh* I say none of that from a place of vanity or ego but a place of fact. Ask him and he’ll admit it. Why he can’t simply START there is beyond me. My answer will be the same (NO. Thanks. But seriously…NO) but I would appreciate the lack of subterfuge. He may be right - that he’s different. So am I and my different definitely doesn’t fit him. Press on Brother. Be blessed but Sweetie, be gone.

* Read a quote recently to the effect of women who are truthful create room for more truth around them. When I first read it (the actual quote cause what I just typed is lacking something), I thought, “Wow. That’s powerful.” But now…I’m thinking, “OK. And what about men who speak truth?” Seriously.Is the person saying men DON’T speak truth or that if/when they do, nothing happens? Or um…am I just in too deep (in terms of everything but sleep? LOL)

* It’s a shame that, waking up as early as I do, I still find myself rushing to get to work on time. Sad. But true. (Did I create more space for truth with that statement? *sigh* Ok maybe that is a sign that sleep is trying to woo me)

* “Balloon Boy” - ok, normally, I would simply let this non-story pass but it is 4am and if anything needs to be dumped from my brain, this non-story would be it. So riddle me this: how exactly was this little plot going to lead to a TV show? About what?

* The Louisiana judge/justice of the peace who wouldn’t issue a marriage license for an interracial couple. Wow. It IS legal for interracial couples to marry in Lousiana right? Who cares about dude’s personal feelings? Hell, issue the license and skip their gift registry.

* Got a new cellphone. In the process of trying to get used to it, I accidentally dialed and hung up on my mom and BOTH my sisters last night. Yes, I said “accidentally”. No I didnt stutter. Keep it moving people, keep it moving.

* Can’t remember what’s on my calendar for work today. Hoping it’s light. Probably light-ish since I found a few problems with system changes I tested before leaving work Friday.

* Does anybody know where I can get a “weekend reset button”? You know - if you press the button before 7pm on Sunday, the weekend rolls back to Friday evening and you start again? I need another day. Just one. Please and thanks.

* Last week, I attended a function at my old job. You remember, the almost 20 years job? The function? Inducting 20yr employees into the “Cornerstone Club”. Ironic, huh? LOL Especially since I was 5 months shy of MY 20th yr anniversary. Nevertheless, I had a BALL. Got to see lots of folks I don’t run into these days. And even a few people who didn’t know I no longer worked there - they thought they didn’t see me because I was either working in another building or working from home. LOL

* I was supposed to shop for airfare this weekend. I’m a slug. And yet, this needs to happen. Soon. The shopping for airfare. The solidifying of schedules. The booking of a flight. The packing of suitcase…and butterflies. *blush* Annnnddddd…..the magical equilibrium-restoring, soul-nourishing hug that awaits. LOL (I need a nap. Clearly. BUT…I do believe the equilibrium-restoring, soul-nourishing part hug. And the packing of butterflies (I will wrap those lines into a poem. Soon) Re: the hug, no pressure. Just speaking truth. Making room for more & whatnot)

And just like that…I find myself sleepy. All it took was me clearing out some emails, cutting out Sunday’s coupons, cleaning out my “briefcase”, cleaning the bathroom, watching “Life After” (2 episodes), a few glances at Twitter, the watching of late night reruns of CSI leading to ABC News and “suddenly”?

I’m sleepy.

LOL

Alarm will go off in less than an hour.

Seriously, I need to do better. (#sixwordstories)

Good night/morning!

*~* MsJayye *~*

Oh yeah - I’m really starting to dislike this font size. Has it always been this small? I really need to get on top of the site redesign. Forthwith!

**This is a modified post from last year around this time. Nothing would have made me happier than to no there was no longer a need for this post or any others like it. One day. I pray. Be sure to check out my girl Princess Dominique’s post on Domestic Violence. Click here **

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So many people suffer at the hands of an abuser, keeping silent, hiding inside themselves.

It is a disgrace to the word “LOVE” to physically or mentally abuse someone – all in the name of love.

Last week in one of my writing groups, we played around with limericks. Here’s one that I shared with them:

For the record, it’s my left leg.

One incident. ONE. And I was out.

You may read this and think, “Mmph, she calls THAT domestic violence? She ain’t got a clue.” I call it domestic violence because it was. Measure it against whatever you want to. It changes nothing.

A “trick knee” is a small price to pay given how badly the situation could have turned out. There’s more to the story. No one has ever heard it though. EVER. Actually, no one has ever known how my ‘trick’ knee came to be. Until now. So, for those of you who know who I know, it’s okay that they DON’T know the story. If they stumble across this blog post ON THEIR OWN, it’s all good. ‘K? Thanks.

Domestic violence is deceptive. It will have you believing that you made someone else beat you, curse you, treat you badly all the while professing to love you. It will have you believing that no one else will want you, that you can’t do anything on your own, that you won’t make it without that person. And if you have kids, the stakes are higher – do you stay to keep the “family” together? Do you subject your kids to that?

A friend of mine ended an abusive marriage last year. When her husband became abusive towards the oldest son, trying to get him to disrespect her as well, she decided enough was enough. Leaving was ugly. But she did it. She left. And she left the church that “encouraged” her to stay, to be more docile, to “stop pushing his buttons”, that cautioned her against leaving since he was the breadwinner. (Sidebar: I’m not condemning the “church” as a whole. But I have no respect for people in positions to help others who counsel them to stay in situations that could be physically harmful to them when viable options exist. They never once spoke to her about other options. NEVER. So, I’m condemning the folks in THAT church who were counting this couple’s tithes instead of saving their souls and HER life.)

Years ago, I visited a friend who’d volunteered to keep a mutual friend’s son on a Friday night. Mutual friend dropped him off while I was there. As she was leaving, this little boy said to his mother, “Mama don’t let him mess with you. ‘K? Mama, you hear me?” He was 4 years old….4. Cautioning his grown mother not to let some man hurt her. She was supposed to pick him up Saturday but asked if he could stay until Sunday.This kid cried himself to sleep. When his mom came to get him the next day, he ran towards her then stopped and asked her in this tiny voice, “Can I hug you?” She said “Not today” so he held her hand. The whole time she was trying to snow us about her weekend, this kid sat holding her hand. I didn’t see her for years after that. She married her abuser. Had two more kids with him. The last time I saw her was at her funeral.

Domestic violence is a horrible, horrible thing. It can scar you – physically, mentally, emotionally. We say “I don’t know why they stay.”, “Why doesn’t she/he just leave?” or the infamous, “I don’t understand.” I used to say those things. Now when I’m tempted to say “I don’t understand”, I catch myself.

I don’t NEED to understand. I just need to be supportive when and where I can. Sometimes that means distancing myself from people who can’t find the strength, courage and/or wisdom to let go of the pain and the abuser. If you choose to stay, don’t ask me to watch.

I pray that the stigma of domestic violence disappears so people realize they don’t have to suffer in silence, that they have options. That they’re worth more than that. I pray that we teach our kids that love doesn’t hurt - not like that. That love doesn’t hit. And not only that we TELL them these things, but that we SHOW them through our actions. That we model right relationships, HEALTHY relationships for them. I pray that people learn to discern between behavior labeled as “cute” and warning signs of possible abusive tendencies.

More importantly, I pray that those places that are supposed to be safe, where people are supposed to be able to go if and when they need help, truly become the sanctuary for hurting people that they were intended to be and not breeding grounds for silence. And more abuse.