Yesterday’s post was about replacing my need to understand with the ability to go with the flow and enjoy life as it comes. About how my mind wanders down that familiar road, “What’s this about?”, when I already know – clearly (or clearly enough).

Honestly, I’ve been “here” before – although the “landscape” is much richer, more beautiful this time around. I’m definitely handling it better now than in the past. Do questions like “What’s this really about?”, “Why me?”, “Why now?” still enter my mind? Yes.

Instead of trying to wrap my mind around those questions and wrestle answers to the ground, I shake it off. It doesn’t matter. What it’s about is enjoying what unfolds. Embracing life. Letting life be good FOR me AND good TO me. Without looking for guarantees. AND without my “crutch”. You know – “the other shoe”.

There’ve been situations in my life I didn’t enjoy fully because I was waiting for the other shoe to fall. So many blessings I pushed away thinking they weren’t meant for me or because I didn’t know how long they’d last.

Do you know how hard it is to truly LIVE your life while holding your breath? Not going deeper because you didn’t have a guarantee or a safety net? Feeling that at any moment, someone would knock on the door to repossess whatever piece of goodness you have? Classic case of SPIRITUALLY “LIVING BELOW MY MEANS”. None of us are meant to live that way. None of us.

This situation? I know what it’s about: growth, stretching, learning, enjoying the moment. Transparency.

Being who I am and watching who moves closer, who moves away, AND LETTING THEM.

It’s about SURRENDER. TRUST. FAITH. And JOY. Unmistakable, unshakeable JOY.

Surrender ain’t easy. Especially when you’ve had to fight for whatever you have. I was in that fight years ago, wearing myself out grasping something that apparently didn’t want to be “held”. The more I fought to hold on, the more slippery it became. And I was exerting all the energy. I pulled out an old journal and came across this quote: “Let Go and Let God.” We’ve all heard that before, probably even repeated it to folks a time or two. Can’t say I’ve always connected with it. But that day I did. The full quote that I read was this:

I did just that - I let go. I shed some tears. Letting go was scary. I cried, said my goodbyes and moved into the next phase: “Let God”. I’ve not been disappointed yet.

How did I surrender? There’s a level of “being tired” that runs spirit-deep and will zap all your energy, scramble your thoughts…the whole nine. It is NOT pretty. I saw it coming and knew what I was clinging to wasn’t worth it. More importantly, I knew I was worth more. Truthfully, that situation wasn’t what I needed OR what I wanted. It was simply “FAMILILAR”. A ‘rut’ masquerading as a ‘comfort zone’ – again. But familiarity ain’t love. It ain’t a relationship. It ain’t trust. It ain’t “knowing”. Hell, sometimes “familiarity” ain’t even “Familiar” enough!

I decided then and there to give up the need to figure it all out. “Knowing” didn’t always work in my favor. I stopped trying to control things. I gave up the need to be right in exchange for being heard, honored, respected.

I pushed myself to go with the flow. Stepping back, observing, listening, being detached. Does that mean I didn’t go into situations “hoping” for a certain outcome? No. I still “hoped”; I just remained open to however the situation played out.

I stopped resisting HOW things showed up, accepting them as they came. Took myself (and others) much less seriously. Invited myself to get over myself a few times (encouraged some other folk to do likewise LOL). Laughed a lot. Let myself just be open to life.

I challenge myself every day – every single day – to commit to what life is asking of me, what life is bringing to me, to trust that it’s meant for me and that it would be whatever it was meant to be for as long as it was meant to be.

Getting to this place has been quite a journey. It’s not over. But I can honestly and joyfully say that I love me some LIFE right about now. Even in the midst of twists/turns and not “understanding”.

How beautiful is that?

I was driving home yesterday when a wave of “What’s-this-about-and-why-so-intense?” hit me. I let it ride in the passenger seat for a minute. Then I popped the sunroof and invited it to get out…and stay out. I turned up the music, hit cruise control and let myself relax in the yummy-ness of my thoughts.

I’d say it was a good GREAT day.

Live Intentionally!
*~* J *~*