Dear Elliptical Machine,
I’ve been watching you. Checking you out on the low-low…seeing how you operate. You shady. Ain’t no other way to describe it – just straight shysty. You just wrong and you know it. Just wrong. WRONG.

With your sneaky little ways…all quiet and unassuming. I’m not falling for it. That’s why I don’t talk to you – I plug in my iPod and put the “ig” on you big time. Cause I’ve seen how you treat folk that try to befriend you – you pull them in all sweet like, let them work up a little sweat then you start whispering in their ear, “Add your arms – grab my poles, push ‘em!”, “Stay with me. Don’t go. Just give me a few more minutes. Don’t stop now – it’s getting good to you”. And befo’ they knowed what had hit them, BAM – you done upped the juice on them and they’re left panting looking all dazed and confused. Uh uh. Not me. Not gonna happen. We are NOT friends. And trust me when I tell you, we don’t have to be – you do what you’re supposed to do and I’ll do what I’m supposed to do. We ain’t even gotta be “friendly” – we can keep this strictly pro-fes-sion-al. Specially since only one of us has skin in the game. (Oh my bad…you do have metal in the game. I should at least recognize that.)

Look a’ heah - I just wanted you to know that I see you. No…I SEE you. I know who and what you are – you are the spawn of satan. You may have won this round but BABY, I got news for you: before it’s all said and done? You my lovely will be nothing more than an overpriced clothes hanger! (Ask ya cousin the step machine!)

Oh yes. It’s on. AND popping. Um, well…my knees are popping right about now but never you mind that. Cause in the end? I win! I’ll give you ya props – right now, you working a sistah ova but the tides are going to change. Remember that I said it. Remember the date cause some time in the not too distant future (I’m praying Lord. LOL), we gon’ have us an anniversary party and celebrate the day (the hour, minute second AND nanosecond) when the tide shifted and you became my flunky.

Oh yes. I mean that. Mmmm hmmmm.

What? See, I’m not gonna keep talking about it. Cause for real for real? I can show you better than I can tell you.

Oh yes. It’s on.

Trust and believe….

….soon as I catch my breaf…..