What is it about those words that seem to make people uncomfortable? Say that to someone and they become a little uneasy, begin to wonder what’s up, what they did (or didn’t do).

I find myself at a place where it’s time for a “Looka here” kinda conversation. I’m a bit perturbed at having to do so…so soon. Timing-wise? It might appear to the “naked eye” (also known as “the uninformed”) that this is NOT the right time or the best time. The person I need to talk to is dealing with some things right now, having a rough time. BUT…what I know is that waiting will only make the convo that much more difficult. And I’m not trying to turn what’s a rough time for that person into a rough time for US.

Two years ago in a leadership class, we talked about conversations, particularly having those difficult or awkward conversations. One thing that the facilitator said has stuck with me: “The conversation IS the relationship.”

“The conversation IS the relationship”.

So, if I’m not willing to have the conversation(s) I need to have, then I’m not going to have the relationship I want to have. Avoiding conversations, no matter how difficult we perceive them to be, doesn’t help anybody in the long run.

So, we gon’ hafta have us a little tete-a-tete. Focusing solely on what’s what right now and how we’re going to move forward.

One of the challenges I find myself having is that, being a creative-minded person, I tend to play out the scenario in my head complete with “I’m-gonna-say-this-and-they’ll-say-that-and-then-I’m-gonna-say-this”. I’m trying to stay away from that. Pre-planning can be detrimental to the conversation – outside of being clear about what you want to talk about. So I’m pushing all those “what if” scenarios out of my head and just focusing on the basics – let’s agree that this is the situation we’re in, how we got here isn’t the issue…how we LEAVE that situation is.

I think sometimes when we need to have those difficult conversations, we have the RIGHT conversation at the WRONG time. Or more than likely, we end up having the WRONG conversation – period, regardless of timing.

Wrong conversation? What’s that you ask? A conversation where tension runs high, everyone in the conversation is agitated, no one feels heard…all because you’re not discussing what the REAL issue is.

It can be difficult…initiating conversations that need to happen. But I find chewing back my words to be a slow death…first of what I hoped for the relationship, of my spirit and eventually of the relationship itself. I think back to the last few “we need to talk, put it all out on the table” conversations I had and I have to shake the pain off. In the moment when those conversations were held, things began to unravel…some things slowly, some quickly. Painful regardless of the speed. Initially, I would think about those conversations in terms of what they “cost” me. But you know what they say about hindsight. Now I think about those conversations and realize that in the long-run, they saved me much more than they cost. And they certainly cost me less in the short-term than I would’ve wanted to pay in the long-term.

So, I came home yesterday with needed conversations on my mind. Poured myself a glass of wine (yes – JUST a glass!). And mulled it over. Got clear about WHAT the conversation needed to be about, what I wanted to walk away with, how to keep emotions out of the conversation, and knowing that there’s no time like the present. I definitely think the relationship is worth the effort…and the conversation, no matter how difficult it may be initially. The relationship is worth it. And so am I.

Here’s to building the RIGHT relationship, one conversation at a time.