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“We imagine we would be all right if a big crisis arose; but the big crisis will only reveal the stuff we are made of, it won’t put anything in us.” ~ Oswald Chambers

Did I ever tell you that I was a drama queen? Well, I was. Or should I say, I’m a recovering drama queen. (Er’y now and then I have a relapse.) Yep, I was. EVERYTHING was a crisis…drama amped up to 360°, multiplied by itself and then squared…TWICE.

Everything that happened became a drama-laced story to be told again…and again. Last year, I found myself about to don the costume of Drama Queen again…where you were concerned. And trust me, there WAS drama. But my spirit having evolved tremendously over the years had that bit of drama on M-U-T-E. Sure, it was painful, it was hard to deal with but no amount of telling or retelling would ease any of that and my spirit knew my heart needed something more quiet in order to heal. You were not my crisis. While I think you are a wonderful human being (yep, even through the bullshyt…I still see Y-O-U, flaws & all, every single possibility for who you truly are…the person you’re running from – cause Baby, while you tell yourself it’s me…it’s not – it’s YOU), you are not my crisis. I realize that now. And so…

To you…I apologize. Sincerely. They say love dies under the burden of unmet expectations. Does that make me a murderer? An assassin? I pray not. Maybe I (we) simply wounded love, not actually killed it.

To you I say…forgive me for trying to make you my crisis. When in fact, as painful as it was…you were simply my mirror, reflecting back to me the brokenness of my own spirit, the chipped places in my heart. I know now that you were simply an instrument of my healing…not my healer. That job description is mine and mine alone.

“I don’t think of all the misery but of all the beauty that still remains.” ~ Anne Frank

I once had a conversation with someone who asked if I ever regretted whatever relationship existed between you and I. I said no – and meant it (he on the other hand said he thought I should…and I’m sure he meant it.). I don’t. Why?

Because even in light of all the painful residue, the intense unraveling of possibilities…the beauty of us still remains.

I hesitate to declare myself “healed”. I do declare myself ‘better’. And that is all we can truly ask as we move deeper into this journey – that we end up better. Even when things end.

I think back over this year and see where “crisis” has definitely brought more to me than it’s taken from me. It affirms the fact that my “crisis” wasn’t. It also affirms the fact that a “crisis”, much like a crutch, isn’t meant to be long term.