October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So many people suffer at the hands of an abuser, keeping silent, hiding inside themselves. It is a disgrace to the world “LOVE” to physically or mentally abuse someone…in the name of love.

Last week in one of my writing groups, we did an exercise involving writing limericks. Here’s one that I shared with them:

For the record, it’s my left leg.

One incident. One. And I was out.

A “trick knee” is a small price to pay given how badly I know the situation could have turned out. There’s more to the story. No one has ever heard that story. EVER. Actually, no one has ever known how much ‘trick’ knee came to be. Until now. So, for those of you who know who I know, it’s okay that they DON’T know the story. If they stumble across this blog post ON THEIR OWN, it’s all good. ‘K? Thanks.

Domestic violence is deceptive. It will have you believing that you made someone else beat you, curse you, treat you badly all the while loving you. It will have you believing that no one else will want you, that you can’t do anything on your own, that you won’t make it without that person. And if you have kids, the stakes are higher – do you stay to keep the “family” together? Do you subject your kids to that?

A friend of mine ended an abusive marriage last year. They have two young kids. When her husband became abusive towards the oldest son, trying to get him to disrespect her as well, she decided enough was enough. Leaving was an ugly scene. But she did it. She left him. She left the church that “encouraged” her to stay, to be more docile, to ask herself what she was doing that pushed his buttons, that cautioned her against leaving since he was the breadwinner. She left her “enabler”. (Sidebar: am I condemning the church? No. I’m simply not condoning people in positions to help hurting people who counsel them to stay in situations that could be physically harmful to them when viable options exist. They never once spoke to her about other options. NEVER. So, I’m condemning the folks in THAT church who were counting this couple’s tithes instead of saving their souls.)

Years ago, I went to visit a friend for the weekend. She’d volunteered to keep a mutual firend’s little boy on Friday night. Mutual friend dropped him off while I was there. As she was leaving, this little boy said to his mother, “Mama don’t let him mess with you. ‘K? Mama, you hear me?” He was 4 years old….4. Cautioning his grown mother not to let some man hurt her. She was supposed to pick him up the next day. She called to ask if he could stay until Sunday. This kid cried himself to sleep. When his mom came to get him the next day, he ran towards her then stopped and asked her in this tiny voice, “Can I hug you?” She said “Not today” so he held her hand. The whole time she was trying to snow us about her weekend, this kid sat holding her hand. I didn’t see her for years after that. She married her abuser. Had two more kids with him. She left him eventually. But not before her son had seen more than he should have.

Domestic violence is a horrible, horrible thing. It can scar you – physically, mentally, emotionally. We tend to say things like, “I don’t know why they stay.”, “Why doesn’t she/he just leave?”. Or the infamous, “I don’t understand.” I used to say those things. Now when I’m tempted to say “I don’t understand”, I catch myself. I don’t need to understand. I just need to be supportive when and where I can. Sometimes that means distancing myself from people.

I pray that the stigma of domestic violence will disappear so that people realize they don’t have to suffer in silence, that they realize they have options. I pray that we teach out kids that love doesn’t hurt - not like that ; that love doesn’t hit. “SHOW-N-TELL”. I pray that people learn to discern between behavior labeled as “cute” and warning signs of possible abusive tendencies.

More importantly, I pray that those places that are supposed to be safe, where people are supposed to be able to go if and when they need help, truly become the sanctuary for hurting people that they were intended to be and not breeding grounds for silence. And more abuse.