“I prolly shouldn’t say nuthin’….I’on mean no harm but…”

Conversations that start like that make my teeth itch. For real. Why? First, if you “prolly shouldn’t say nuthin”, I encourage you to follow your instincts. To check your motives. Second, people who say, “I don’t mean no harm” generally do. Coming to your doorstep with sloppy mess dripping from their lips. Please. If you bringing nonsense, the very least you can do is be bold enough to say that upfront while I get you a napkin or a bib. But no, you want to do ‘the dance’. The conversation proceeded…

“I saw XX today.” XX happens to be this person’s “friend”. I know XX but we are not friends. No drama. We just aren’t.

“We were talking about something and your name came up.” (Sidebar: don’t you love it when folks are talking about “something” and YOUR name just “happens” to come up? And they never can clarify what that “something” was? Ha!)

“I prolly shouldn’t tell you this but…she kept talking ’bout how she didn’t like you.”

I stopped her right there because clearly SHE, this bearer of “don’t-mean-no-harm”, had clearly mistaken me for someone who cared. I asked her two questions, two very simple questions:

1. “How does any part of what you’re saying add to the quality of my life?”
2. “As my friend, what were you doing/saying while she was running down her list?”

“Ms.I’on-mean-no-harm” sputtered for a minute before declaring that she was so shocked by the turn in their conversation, she didn’t know WHAT to say/do. Uh huh. In the space between her pushing that piece of nonsense into the air and me responding, I swear I channeled my grandmother. I could see her sitting in her favorite rocking chair, humming, pausing long enough to say “Chile, the same dog that will bring a bone will carry one.” (I miss my granny goose.)

So this friend and I had a brief tete-a-tete on the proper etiquette for friendship. See, I like it when my friends become friends. But it’s not mandatory. I respect my friends’ relationships with other people, regardless of how I might feel about them. I don’t talk about their friends - I respect the boundaries of their friendship. And when you, as MY friend, talk to me about YOUR friends, I simply do the ‘um…wow…really?’ because once again, these are YOUR friends.

I wave the “Quality of life” card a lot. Cause there are times when people try to flood the works with stuff that just doesn’t hold the same relevancy to me as it does to them. And that’s cool. The “quality of life” card helps me help them (and me) differentiate.

I waved that card OVERTIME when I worked at “Da Place”. In a place where things were not always done in an equitable manner, someone was always sidling up to you saying, “You’re doing the same thing as XYZ, you should get the same pay/recognition”, “So-and-so got called on the carpet today”, or “How did they get that job?”. Or being a company full of women who sometimes didn’t hold to the sisterhood code, “How can she afford to drive/wear/live whatever she drives/wears/lives?” or “Why she got a man?”

Even knowing the answer to some of those questions, I’d still brandish my “Quality of life” card. Why do I need to expend energy speculating about stuff that doesn’t help move me forward, stuff that doesn’t make an iota of difference in my life?

I remember eating lunch with some friends and their friends – one of whom is notorious for “bringing/carrying bones”. It was like an art with her. She sat at the table, holding court telling everybody’s business, wondering aloud how they can afford their clothes/car/house, etc. Some folks took the bait. Others didn’t. I never commented. I saw she was looking for new bones. Looking at me, she said, “You don’t talk about people do you?” LOL I told her that I tried not to but then, most days I tried not to talk TO people. We understood each other from that point on: I don’t have any bones for you nor am I in need of any.

To be fair, I’ve hit my own self with the “quality of life” card. When I’m tempted to wallow a little too long, stretching a “moment” out of shape and out of its intended timeframe. Or when something I’d hoped for didn’t come to pass and I was moping. Or when I let a setback bring me to a stop instead of finding alternate routes to my goal. It’s another way to check myself.

Quality of life is serious business. There are so many things happening day-to-day that impacts quality of life yet are out of our control to a large degree. It makes sense to me to work from my sphere of influence, those things I can control.

That includes letting dogs run up and through my life, bringing and carrying bones…no matter how much “meat” is on them.

Live DELICIOUSLY!