I caught the tail-end of Oprah’s show yesterday. The topic? Divorce and how you tell your kids (or not tell them) has a great impact on them.

One of the things that I found most interesting in the last 20 minutes of the show is the expert who says that if, as a parent, you think your kids are going to come to you with their deepest, darkest secret, you’re crazy. When Oprah asked why kids wouldn’t do this, the expert said “Out of shame”.

He went on to share how he and his wife have addressed this with their five kids. They sat down with the kids and two adults that they as parents trust and respect. They told their kids that they are free to come to them with anything and know that no matter what is said or done, as parents they will still love them and not judge them. However, they also allowed for the fact that they know sometimes it might be hard for the kids to do that. They gave the kids permission to go either of the other two adults. The adults have permission to talk to the kids, help them make decisions, etc. and they not ever tell the parents the details of the situation.

Could you do that? First, could you give another adult (not the other parent) that kind of authority? Would you do so and truly expect the other adult NOT to tell you the details of any situation your child might bring to them?

I don’t have any kids but I’d like to think that I could do this. I do think that, any time I saw/heard my child talking to the “Go To parent”, I would wonder what situation they were discussing. I think that would be the hardest part – not saying that I wouldn’t trust the “Go To parent” to do the best thing for my child but just wondering to myself what they were talking about. Even knowing that the situation could be just their normal interaction, I think in the back of my mind I might still wonder.

I think I’m an unofficial “Go To Parent” for a few kids. The usual suspects include Princess So Fabulous, my nephew D, and FavCus#2 although I do find myself privy to the secrets, fears, dreams, hurts of a group of miscellaneous kids. I chalk it up to the fact that my family and friends operate under the concept of “It takes a Village” so we are each appointed unofficially to stand watch over those in our village. The Princess has shared some things with me that her parents haven’t been told. There haven’t been any “biggies” at this point. There have been a few things that I’ve encouraged her to talk to her parents about but I still didn’t mention it to them. My nephew? I’d like to think my nephew would come to me with things but, I’m not sure. I think he’d tell me AFTER.

FavCus#2. “Princess Bubbles”. Her? Awwww Lawd! Her mother has given her permission to talk to “us” – a select group of FavCus#1’s closest friends – about any and every thing. And I will tell you this: FAVCUS#2 DOES NOT HESITATE TO DO SO. There have been some VERY interesting conversations to say the very least (and that’s ALL I’m gonna say. You don’t need to know ‘bout the time she and I were riding along and she asked me a question that almost made me wreck the car. Nawww, ya’ll don’t need to know ‘bout that.) Now, has she shared with me anything she hasn’t shared with her mother? Nope although there have been things I was first to hear.

I think establishing a “Go To Parent” is a very loving thing to do. It says to your child that, as much as I love you and want you to come to me when you have a problem, I love you enough to simply provide you with another option, a safe option. From the standpoint of the “Go To Parent”, it says that the parent trusts you with their child’s life.

So….could you do that? Have you? Would you?