My plate is f-u-l-l. More like my “platters” are full. Not overwhelmingly so. I’m taking it one item at a time. Working steadily. Getting it done. It’s what I do – generally. Reminding myself that everything on my list needs to be done, just not today. It’s not an excuse for me to procrastinate but to be mindful of what I take on, its importance & priority, getting it done well, and planning for what comes next.

I think of the stuff I need to tackle, much of which I’ve let slide repeatedly. This quote floats across my consciousness: “What you resist, persists.” What am I resisting…and why?

There are two interactions that aren’t supporting my highest good right now. I weed through my relationship regularly – keep (nurture), revive (reinvest time/effort), toss (“be blessed but be gone”). One interaction I need to relinquish, I cling to fearing it won’t happen again. My spirit whispers to me that (1) love and fear can’t occupy the same space and (2) it will happen again…only better. And it won’t be “imaginary”. And so, I pray for strength to truly let go. Even if it doesn’t seem to want to let go of me. I work to make room for the good stuff, the REAL stuff. I get thrown occasionally – thinking I’ve let go and along comes another test. It means there’s more to learn from that interaction – but I don’t have to immerse myself in the it to learn it. It can be my personal “history lesson” – studying the past so I don’t repeat it in the future.

The second situation has potential for everyone involved to win. To be better, stronger, more productive, wiser both individually and as a group. Yet most people aren’t stepping up in any way, big or small. It’s frustrating. I’m giving by nature. I support people beyond empty words. But even a cook likes someone else to stir the pot from time to time. My spirit says it does no good if I’m the only one who sees the potential or the only one willing to mine it. So…I’m weaning myself off of this interaction. Who knows? Both of these cases may very well be “over and done with” or “not right now, give it time.” But in the moment? They simply keep me stuck. And that ain’t a good look.

I think I resisted when it came to my role in what transpired thus far in my career, even in terms of my layoff. For a while, I lost sight of the fact that, ultimately, I’m responsible for my own career growth. I was truly burned out. Instead of stepping back and really reassessing, I fell for the Okey-doke and let myself grab that worn, torn fake Superhero cape and try to ride to the rescue. Tilting at windmills. Since I was in survival mode, many of the things I coached others to do regularly where the first things I slacked off on myself. None would have changed the outcome but I would’ve been more focused. For a long time, I resisted the call of my spirit to move on, to find work that while challenging me, also left me energized. I dragged my feet and so, God shifted the ground beneath me. And honestly, I resisted the fact that this transition in my life, although in my best interest, hit me harder than I thought.

I started thinking about the little things in my life that I’m simply tolerating and how they can wear you down, keep you stuck, zap your energy.

Little things like minor household repairs, that stack of mail on the table, all the ‘stuff’ that’s piled up on your dining room table, the snide comment that someone ALWAYS makes about your hair/clothes/etc. that you “let slide”, late payments because you don’t know what you did with the bill, leaky faucets, needing an oil change, paying fees for a service or membership you don’t use (and haven’t used since Nixon was in office!), late fees because you haven’t automated regular monthly payments, spending money eat when there’s food in the house. Running out of things or buying things you already have because you’re not organized, not paying attention. Rushing to appointments, clutter in your life – physical, mental, emotional. Letting the needs of your family/friends/career come before you taking care of yourself. Letting go of those things that help bring you peace, that help keep you centered and sane.

Tolerations add up and that kind of addition will wear you down. About two years ago, I did an exercise where I created a list of my “tolerations”, prioritized them (controllable vs. uncontrollable – by you). If it was uncontrollable, you transfer ownership to the ”rightful owner” or simply learn to make peace with it. If it’s controllable, you need to get it done and move on. You’ll definitely breathe easier.

As I was working through my list, I really had to ask myself what these tolerations where buying me. What was the payoff for me? Like a lot of other people, I operated with a distorted view of the length and importance of a to-do list. For us, it was a twisted form of validation – a way to say somebody needed me. Concrete evidence in form of a backlog of emails, unreturned messages, etc. We could point to the “evidence” and say,
“See? They need me.” While that might be true, if that item is still sitting on your list a week, two weeks, three weeks later, it doesn’t matter if they “need” you – you aren’t delivering.

At the end of the day, you can either TALK about it or BE about it. Tolerate it or erase it. If it keeps showing up on your to-do list, either get it done or give it up.

Live DELICIOUSLY!

I’m heading out to hang with my family and friends and wanted to drop a few Father’s Day wishes and thoughts in the well before I do.

Happy Father’s Day to the all the fathers out there! All those on their way to becoming fathers. All those who hope to be fathers. Those who may have lost the child(ren) they fathered. To those who stand in the gap for fathers. To those whose fathers have passed on, hugs to you and may your day be wrapped in good memories of your father. And an extra special Father’s Day to those Fathers and sons who are caught away from their families fighting a war we don’t understand for a country we love - WE salute you.

I grew up without my father but I was fortunate to have father figures in my life starting with my Grandfather. We lost him much too soon but I have great memories of Sunday mornings sitting at the breakfast table with him and my Grandmother - each of us with our cup of coffee (ok, I had mostly milk and sugar with enough coffee to give it color). I remember climbing into his lap, kissing his cheek and wondering if everybody’s Granddaddy tasted salty. LOL

I have great memories of my uncles, especially my Uncle Johnny. I remember spending the night at his apartment in Brooklyn with my Grandmother. My nightgown matched my Grandmother’s - pink floral print and I remember my uncle tucking me in bed, kissing me on the forehead and saying, “Goodnight, Li’l Grandma.” I remember when he discovered how much I liked to read and gave me my first magazine subscription. Reader’s Digest. My uncle was probably one of my first pen pals and you can just imagine how excited I was last year when I found a bunch of his letters.

Fatherhood, like Motherhood, isn’t easy. I pray that for each and everyone of you, it is more than worth it.

Happy Father’s Day!!

Live DELICIOUSLY!

~ J ~

Remember that song? “Music..makes me feel good…all the tiiiimmmme.” Or this one? “Music makes me lose control”. Music moves me. It calms me down, it hypes me up, it frames almost ever single event in my life. I love, love, love music…good music. My favorites? R&B, Soul, Neo-Soul. I can get with Hip-Hop, some rap, heck even a little rock/roll and country. Anywho, here’s some stuff that has me sanging loud and dancing as of late….

Jill Scott, ““Hate on Me” - First of all, it’s JILL SCOTT. Hello?! This song is pure FIYAH!! I love the fact that Jill wraps a message in her music. Can’t wait for the CD to drop.

Musiq Soulchild, “Teach Me” - I blogged about this not long ago. The concept of that song, the theory of it is tiptoeing up my spine, kissing the back of my neck & whispering some sweet stuff in my ear.

Eve, “Tambourine” - It must be the beat. I found myself blasting this song yesterday while running errands. Not sold on the video but I can listen to this a few times over.

Kelly Rowland (ft. Eve), “Like That” - Now this is DEFINITELY about the beats.

Regina Belle… Remember her? I love her voice & she’s been missing from the scene for a while now. A couple of weeks back I heard what I think is a new song. How irritated am I that I can’t remember the name or where I wrote it down??

Plunky, “Drop”: Plunky is straight out of Richmond V-A. “Plunky and the Oneness of JuJu”. I hear the name of that band and flash back to warm summer nights in Dogwood Dell.

Chuck Brown, “Block Party” - Chuck has to be 900 years old right? But he’s still stirring up some Go-Go. There’s another song of his, or him on someone else’s song that is even better than “Block Party” but again, it escapes me at the moment.

What else is in heavy rotation in my CD player?

Eric Roberson - every single one of his CDs. Had the opportunity to see him perform live a couple of times. Love it.

Amy Winehouse, “Back to Black”. Ecletic. Just up my alley.

Joss Stone….a friend of mine says there oughta be a law against someone that young and that white to have all that soul. Ain’t that nothing? LOL

Keit Young…yes, “KEIT”…no “H” cause apparently his name ain’t “Keith”. He’s got that Van Hunt, Maxwellish, Prince-ish vibe.

Normally my friends & I attend the Capital Jazz Festival in Maryland. We looked over the performers and decided to pass this year. *Sigh* We rarely go to the Jazz Festival in Hampton. It’s cool but two very different vibes. The Maryland Festival is an outdoor thing, and lasts from 10am-midnight. Since it’s at Merriweather, there are two stages at all times. Hampton’s festival is indoors and last about the same amount of time as a “regular” concert.

I was tempted to go this year. Why? Jill Scott. But I never really paid attention to it. I knew Jill would be there along with Patti Labelle, Frankie Beverly/Maze. The promos have been playing for quite some time. Why is it that until last week, I had no idea that Peabo Bryson was going to be there? Now in case you don’t know, I love Peabo Bryson. I don’t know why. There is just something about a Peabo Bryson ballad that stops me in my tracks. Literally.

So, I’m talking music with a friend who happens to like a lot of the same artists that I do. Cool stuff right? So, I tell him that I can’t believe I didn’t realize Peabo would be at the Jazz festival…on the same night as Jill Scott!! And do you know what this friend did? Ladies & Gentleman, I present to you Exhibit A:

“I found this just the other day…..
These are the original Twelve Steps as defined by Peaboholics Anonymous:
1. We admitted we were powerless over Peabo—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could eliminate thoughts of peabo and restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to rid of Peabo and turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves that Peabo is not singing to us and only us.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature wanting Peabo.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all thoughts of Peabo which defects character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove all Peabo posters, cd’s, dvd’s, LP’s, Cassette Tapes and photos.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, hoodwinked, & bambozzled just to get Peabo tickets.
9. Made direct amends to such people, and hoped they understood that we are peaboholics.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to overcome the power of Peabo.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Peaboholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Falling down on my knees, shaking my fists at the sky, “Oh wretched friend who would dare mock the purity of my love for Peabo!”

Oh but said friend best be glad I appreciate a good laugh, poetry, and dimples. Hmph!

Happy Friday ya’ll!

Live DELICIOUSLY!

J

**LRIA = Love’s Reparations in Action. **
Why? Because for me, “Love’s Reparations” is bigger than poetry - it’s a movement.

Somebody cue Fabulous & NeYo “I’m a movement by myself…but I’m a force when we’re together. I’m good all by myself but you, you make me better.”

Yes, I did take down the original post for today. Why? Because. Today? It’s hard. To be in THAT place. To be reminded that while you ARE in THAT place, you are there ALONE. A few days ago, I mentioned that there were some things that I wasn’t going to talk about any more. Not that I don’t think my voice is valid, not that I don’t think I’m being heard or helpful but…sometimes, the world needs to just HEAR your silence, to just sit with it so they realize not only the validity of your words/views but of your feelings. And sometimes, silence speaks the loudest.

This morning, I made the mistake of letting myself go somewhere “mentally” that in it’s current state is not good for me emotionally or any other way. I’m irritated with myself right now because I keep turning that stuff over trying to find myself there. It shouldn’t be that hard. It just shouldn’t. So now, I’m nursing that old wound, the one I thought had scabbed over. It’s all good though. Or at least it will be.

Anyway, in lieu of what was originally posted, I’m doing a repost. Enjoy!

STRONG ENOUGH FOR A WOMAN - AS A WOMAN…BUT MADE FOR A MAN

Not feeling overly bloggish these days but…I need to rescue my blog from blog obscurity AND I told one of my girlfriends that I was going to finish at least one post that I’d started over the last couple of weeks & get it out there. Um…ok, so I’m going to do just that but just so you know, this ISN’T the entry I had intended to use. It is however, the one I NEED.

“Strong Enough for a woman, made for a man.” You remember that slogan, right? Secret deodorant?

I’ve been told that I’m a strong woman, a strong person. I don’t disagree with that assessment. Nor do I apologize for the strength. BUT…I’m also a woman who KNOWS she’s a woman, who likes her softer side, who knows when to let herself be vulnerable, when to call her strength into action. Who knows that it isn’t about being right – it’s about being appreciated, needed, respected, wanted…loved. Who knows that she doesn’t have to use her strength as a weapon AND right about now…I’d give anything to not have to be that strong woman – just for a little while.

To have someone hold my hand, tell me to “Shhhh….be still….rest yourself…”

To pick up the phone, hear you say a simple hello as I dissolve into tears while you say, “I’m on my way”.

To be able to just curl up on the sofa in a hug – warm, deep, inviting – a hug that says “You’re safe. I got you.”

To hear someone say, “You can let your guard down. I’ll keep the world at bay.”

To just BE in that space with someone who gets me – really gets me – both in terms of my words…and my silence. To just BE in that space with them. Letting the silence speak to us, for us, through us. Just being comfortable.

To have that one place where no masks are needed, walls are not allowed, fears are faced head on, judgment is tossed out the window, truth flows freely like oxygen, words mean what we say they mean. That place where you know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that your safety (emotional, physical & otherwise) is first and foremost in that person’s mind. That giving you back your smile is all they want to do in that moment.

Maybe that’s really what I want. Not to forfeit, give up, or trade my strength. But to have a SAFE HAVEN. A place to go to rejuvenate. Rest. Replenish my spirit. Refresh my mind. A place where I can be vulnerable…and still be safe. A place where my worth is recognized – regardless of what I do…or don’t do. A place where I can simply be me – as silly as I want to be, as complicated as I am, kind, funny, tired…whatever combination of me exists at that moment…and it will be all good.

I’m blessed enough to have a few strong ports in the storm. (Pausing to say “Thank You” – you know who you are – it’s all love.) But I’m holding out for that one magical, mystical “Wal-Mart” of safe havens…where I can get everything I need, whenever I need it…24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The cost? The recognition that it’s okay to give into my weakness, my vulnerability some times. That it’s okay to let my guard down. That it’s okay to want or need someone…their strength, their energy, their honesty, their quiet spirit, their laughter, their warmth. To know not only that I want it, that I need it, but also that I truly deserve it, that it’s AUTHENTIC…and freely given.

Knowing that…admitting it…reflects a lot of growth. And it takes a lot of strength….courage…and wisdom. Right now, in THIS moment, I need you. I’m strong enough to admit that….are you strong enough to BE that? Cause right here, right now, in this moment, in this space - I can & do tell you this: I AM strong enough for a woman, strong enough AS a woman…but I’m MADE for a man.

ADDENDUM TO ORIGINAL POST: I don’t want to hear anybody’s statistics. Truth be told, statistics was never my thing…on any level. But what I can tell you & WILL tell you about me and statistics is this:

DEAR “ADAM”,
I AM READY TO HEAR THE RHETORIC & THE STATISTICS & LOVE YOU SO DEEPLY THAT THEY CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE HOW TO MEASURE IT.

LOVE ALWAYS,
“EVE”

That my lovelies? REAL TALK. Spoken with love, in love, for the sake of love. Always Love. ALWAYS.

Live DELICIOUSLY!
Love DEEPLY!
~ J~

The RECEIVING END of “NO”:

For some reason, “NO” has been on my mind lately. I’ve had a string of “NO’s” in my life recently and I’m sure if I just keep on living, there will be more. Has anyone ever said “no” to you? How did that make you feel? If you’re like most people, you felt rejected, maybe a bit hurt or embarrassed. Can I let you in on a little secret? I’ve decided to challenge my own perspective of how I view “NO.

Look at these examples:
• You’re interested in someone and want a relationship with them. They tell you “NO”.
• You submit your work to a publisher for consideration. You submit it to multiple publishers. They all tell you “NO”.
• You apply for a new job or ask for a promotion. They tell you “NO”.

I’m sure in each of those situations, you walk away feeling rejected. I know I would…and have. But as I think about it today, I realize that “NO” could just be the best possible answer for me no matter how much I think I want “YES” in the moment.

Why? We tend to think of “NO” as rejection when in actuality, each “NO” simply moves you closer to your ultimate “YES”. It moves those things, people, situations that are not for you or in your best interest out of the way. We tend to view “NO” as moving us to the back of the line when in actuality, it moves us closer to the goal.

Listen, in scenario #1 where you’re interested in starting a relationship with someone and they tell you “NO”…I know that stings. Trust me. Yet, isn’t it better to know sooner rather than later that this isn’t the relationship you were meant to be in? And even if the relationship does last for a time but isn’t going anywhere, isn’t it better to know sooner rather than later? Scenario #2 – same thing. If Publisher A isn’t interested in your work, that moves you further down your list of potential publishers. (Um, provided you have a list that’s longer than 1.)

That’s not to say that you hear “NO” and simply slink away. Ask questions if you want or need clarification, if you think a deeper understanding is there and can help move you forward. Short explanations work for me. After all, I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything, not trying to change anybody’s mind. I figure in most cases, we’re all adults and put thought into the situation and made the best possible choice for ourselves and ultimately everyone involved. Realize that sometimes there won’t be an explanation. That’s cool too. Keep it moving Baby.

After the sting has worn off, look at the “NO” objectively. Was it really the right place, the right fit for you? Be honest. If you still think it was, would you be happy in a situation where the other party(s) really didn’t think you were the right choice, where they treated you as “Mr./Mrs. Right-Now”, where they settled simply because they needed to fill a position, or didn’t want to be alone, etc? That’s a spirit killer. And it’s a slow death – the worse kind.

“NO” gives you time and space to look at your situation clearly and ask yourself tough questions. Was this really right for you? Were you ready? Were you prepared? Could you be yourself in this situation at all times? Could you compromise without losing yourself? Do you need to make better choices? Do you need to work on some aspect of yourself, your behaviors, how you present yourself or your craft? Do you need to sharpen your skills? Or one of my favorites, did you go into it expecting a “NO” (self-fulfilling prophecy)?

I’ve learned not to let “NO” knock me off my path. It might slow me down for a minute but it doesn’t kill me. I tell myself that this particular “NO” simply moves me closer to my “YES”. I don’t accumulate or count the “NO’s” – there are no aggregates allowed. Deal with each “NO” as it comes. If you can’t help but flashback to a previous “NO”, then tell yourself that puts you two places closer to your “YES” and keep it moving.

Know that, sometimes, “NO” is just the thing you need to help you gain clarity about what it is you really want and how you can get there. Don’t get ruffled by being on the receiving end of “NO” - get clear, realize that you ARE ahead of the curve.

It’s about perspective. Always. You know what they say, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond.”

UPDATE 10:52pm: Earlier tonight, I had the honor of participating in a discussion sponsored by The Empowered Black Womens Network (EBWN) in regards to relationships, Black relationships. Whew! Ya’ll know how much a sistah loves good dialogue right? And you know how near & dear THAT topic is to my heart. Good energy all around. The session was facilitated by one of the most dynamic sisters I’ve “met” - Rachel Ramone and I shared space with author Darrell A. Cador and Christine (Sis, I cannot remember your last name - I apologize) who runs a hopping events planning business in NY. Based on our conversation tonight, I’m going to repost a few things tomorrow or post some links to things I hope people will find worthwhile in light of that discussion. I’m so keyed up now, I’d like to hit you with some highlights of our discussion so check back tomorrow. I’ll also give you the links for the cyberhomes for Rachel, Darrell and Christine. Dialogue. It will carry us far. I firmly believe THE SOLUTION IS IN THE DIALOGUE SO WE HAVE TO KEEP TALKING TO EACH OTHER - NOT AROUND EACH OTHER, NOT OVER EACH OTHER, NOT ABOUT EACH OTHER - TO EACH OTHER.

LIVE DELICIOUSLY my Lovelies!

Have you ever woke up and just felt at peace? Like there was just an ease about your life? Content?

Yeah - I’m back to THAT place. And I’m taking up permanent residence.

Does it mean that everything in my life is as I desire (or as HE intends)? No. It means that things are good, soon to better because I am on my way to being greater later. It means that today, in this moment, life is good and if it’s good today, there’s a good chance it will be good tomorrow. And I can make that happen. Does it mean that life wont’ throw me any curves, that my smile won’t be knocked slightly askew from time to time? No - it simply means that I’ll deal with whatever comes when it gets here. It means that it’s not so much what happens to me but how I respond.

Last week, I resolved to stop doing some things, to stop talking about some things unless there was a chance that those things would help someone else. I was going to post a short list of those things but suddenly I couldn’t remember them. And as I turned THAT thought over in my mind, I realized that posting them wasn’t necessary. Chances are most people didn’t notice them anyway so their absence will only have meaning for me.

Posting them was about accountability but you know what? I need to hold myself accountable. It’s all about self-discipline. It’s like asking someone else to pray for you when you haven’t taken the time to pray for yourself. Besides, I don’t need a lot of fanfare for these changes. I just want to sit back and watch them evolve, watch them unfold. Revel in their beauty. And keep doing what I need to do to get where I’m destined to be.

Contentment. It’s a tricky thing at times. You can be content to the point of becoming complacent, inertia sets in and you find yourself locked into what’s called “the comfort zone” even though it starts to pinch like cheap shoes. The level of contentment I’m speaking of is where I’m fully engaged in my life at the present moment, I’m enjoying everything and everyone who’s a part of my life, and I’m building a dream so big, I know it’s got to be of God. The kind of dream that I used to think scared me until I realized what I was erroneously labeling as “fear” or “anxiety” was actually the fluttering of butterflies in my tummy because I am excited to see what comes next. Those butterflies that I hope will last forever as I step into me fully, completely.

Living unapologetically. Authentically. Baby, it is what it is and I am what I am. You ain’t got to like me and you ain’t got to love me but don’t get the sour look on ya face when I tell you that I’m loved enough not to miss you much. Everything ain’t for everybody and I ain’t mad at you for knowing what you like. Not at all.

Am I full of myself? To a certain degree. Tell me this - besides Jesus, who else should I be full of? You best get you some of this.

As Nikki Giovanni says, “Show me a woman who isn’t full of herself and I’ll show you a hungry woman.”

Hungry women, hungry people, will tear you apart over scraps. If they’re hungry enough, they’ll make a meal out of anything - even something that they know isn’t good for them. Hungry women, hungry people, will settle for the .99 menu when filet mignon is what they truly desire AND deserve. Hungry women, hungry people, don’t trust themselves or life to provide what they need so they gorge themselves on what’s before them - they focus on lack.

Not me. I’m only interesting in feeding myself things that make me stronger, make me shine, help me grow, things that nurture me, things that energize me. I’m no longer interested in feeding myself on a poor diet consisting of things like stress, drama, fear, doubt, procrastination.

Why? Simple: if those are the kinds of things you feed your mind, body and soul, it’s no longer what you’re eating - it becomes what’s eating you. They will eat away at your peace of mind, your confidence, your abilities, your focus, and your spirit. Personally, that’s too high a price to pay for a meal that leaves me feeling empty and unsatisfied.

It’s all about choices and perspective. You can see yourself as “hungry” and fight over the scraps or you can open yourself up to the abundance of life, relax in the peace and contentment that’s your birthright, and live your life from a place of joy.

I know what MY choice is. Who got next?

Live DELICIOUSLY!

blush

his words birth warmth
soul deep
sending tingles up my spine
they tiptoe into my senses
lining up until they spell his name
their tiny kisses sparking electricity
to ripple through my veins
and smiles blossom in my spirit
like morning glories
opening up to greet him,
welcoming him into the sanctuary
of my arms
i fit myself into the cocoon of his hug
breathing in the heady scent of him
feeling my body awakening
stirring, pressing
he smiles….
i
blush

Copyright 2007 ~ Jackie Young

Good morning my lovelies!
I’m the guest blogger du jour over at the blog-palace of Princess Dominique. Hop over to her spot hear what I have to say about…um…B.O.O.T.Y. Calls…

Shhhh! Just hit the link…. Princess Dominique

WARNING: Rather cryptic post ahead. My head is overcrowded with thoughts I’m not sure I’m supposed to think, words that won’t fit in my mouth, questions that I’m forced to abort. All that stuff just marinating in my head. I tell you what – it’s tight up in there for real. Ready?

“Leave well enough alone.”

You’ve heard that before right? Basically it means, while things could be better, interference on your part could also make them worse; suck it up and keep it moving.

I fell headlong into just such a situation recently. AND.I’M.STILL.FALLING. I came to possess some knowledge that, without exaggeration, shakes me to the core. It’s a lot to absorb. I don’t think I’m doing well along those lines. It explains so very much, SOOOO very much…and yet, it leaves so much more unexplained. It started with a general drop of knowledge that was something that I’d “known” without really knowing for years. It blossomed into so much more over the course of a few days. It’s…I don’t know how to describe it other than to say that it is the kind of stuff that can seriously tear through your life. I’ve been poking around its edges since it dragged itself up to my doorstep – weary, not sure if it’s relieved to be acknowledged, or if it should have remained in the dark. And you know what? I don’t know either.

I’m stymied. Not sure what to do with this. I’m stepping on cotton here because I don’t know who knows what, who wants to know, who can and will shed light on the situation. Sadly, as much as it’s needed, conversation is most likely NOT an option. Truthfully, I don’t know what I think about this newly acquired knowledge. I don’t know what I feel. Maybe I’m in shock. Or denial. Maybe detached is a better word. Or some super-sized combo of all of those things. *Sigh* Sorry. I know I’m not making sense but…shyt. When I say “foundation shaking”, I mean that. Literally.

I’ve been mulling it over since the day “it” showed up. Turning it over gently. Trying to piece together a puzzle for which there’s no picture.

As I think about this situation, I’m reminded of something a friend said when I was in the midst of a struggle on the job: “Maybe keeping information from you in this instance is God’s way of protecting you, sheltering you.”

I pray that’s true. Maybe it’s that plus the fact that He wants me to know that it changes nothing about who I am, who I’m called to be. That it isn’t really about me. That I’m not responsible for carrying someone else’s baggage or burden no matter who they are or who thinks I should hoist that soggy mess up on my fragile shoulders and soldier on.

Maybe it’s God pulling me under His wing, helping me to stay focused. Several opportunities showed up in my life right after this news did. There have been times when I thought I had some whacked out form of ADD so maybe these opportunities are the bright shiny objects God is using to distract me. His blessing me right now could be affirmation that, although this stuff touches my life, it doesn’t eclipse it. Being a self-proclaimed student of life, maybe it’s God’s way of telling me that knowledge is good….but wisdom, clarity, and peace are what I should seek.

Even so, I’m aware that that pile of “stuff” is sitting in the corner. I see it out of the corner of my eye. I’m trying not to put my hands in it. I really am. It’s hard. All these questions roaming around in my head, bumping into snatches of conversation, tripping over the feet of flashbacks. All of them left unattended in the vast campus of my mind. It ain’t good people. Nor is it pretty. NOT.AT.ALL.

I’m thankful that God has given me positive distractions. That He has lovingly confirmed that this isn’t about me and that I need not make it out to be. I admit that it’s hard for me not to go there. Feeds directly into my “Enough” issues. *Sigh* Just when I was making headway with that. I like a sense of order, some semblance of logic, and stability and this takes all that away from me. Maybe this issue and what’s left in its wake is reason I crave those things. I don’t know. And I have to surrender to the fact that, as much as I want to know or say I want to know all there is about this issue, I may never know anything more than what I know today. Something tells me I should be eternally grateful for that. Still…

I’m ok. Well, I’m not…but I will be. For real. “The battle is not yours…” – that’s my mantra until my spirit has made real peace with this.

Even now, I hear that little voice say, “Leave well enough alone.”

I want to do just that…”leave well enough alone”….

But…you know what the problem is with “well enough”?

Who gets to decide if and when it truly is WELL ENOUGH?

Do you consider yourself “high maintenance”? Seriously. Do you? Do other people think you’re “high maintenance”? Generally when people think “high maintenance”, what comes to mind is a woman who “requires” (demands?) constant upkeep – hair must be done at all times, manicure/pedicure, eyebrows waxed/arched, designer clothes, fly ride, expensive perfume, flashy jewelry, rent and car note paid, steady inflow of cash, etc. with all fundage coming from someone else. A woman who asks for the moon & expects to get it, when she wants it…or sooner. You know the stereotype.

I’ve been told that I was “high maintenance” though I’m at a loss as to why. I’m not motivated by a guy’s money, car, clothes, house/apartment, etc. I never have been. My needs have always been simple – legitimate job, vehicle is safe and clean, clothes clean and fitted, his name should be on a lease/mortgage somewhere. That’s the basics. If you ask me out, “out” needs to be based on what you can afford. When I asked for clarification about being “high maintenance”, they said it’s what they “ASSumed”, that it was “the way I carried myself”. I don’t know who they were looking at but it’s not the person I knew myself to be then, not as insecure as I was. I guess it really is all about perspective, huh? There’s got to be more to that story, on their part, but lawd knows I’m not even trying to go there to find out. If they thought I was high maintenance THEN, they’d really find confirmation of their illogical thoughts now.

So, I asked someone else, a male friend, if he’d ever thought of me as “high maintenance”. Imagine my surprise when this person who has known me for almost 20 years (and dated me for some odd number of those years) said he didn’t BUT he could see how some guys thought that. I didn’t know whether to cry or hurl my wineglass at his head. So, I closed my eyes, did a little deep breathing and waited. Trying not to give into what I can only describe as the “black woman’s curse”: rolling eyes, undulating neck, sucking of teeth. I simply waited for him to break it down. (Cussing him in my head though. For real.)

Don’t you hate it when your friends take your words, your MO, and feed them back to you? That’s exactly what Dude did – fed me his answer in a play on words so to speak. Dude goes on to say that maybe, just maybe what I require in terms of honesty, and respect is too high a price for some guys to pay. That while guys love to see a woman “naked”, maybe my brand of “naked” is too much for them. That they’d rather shell out the last of their cash, go into debt paying my car note/rent, or splurging for that 4-star vacation. Really? If that’s true, it is sad, very sad. I mean, shyt. Am I wrong for wanting those things or even expecting them? If you are who you say your are, why would that be too high a price? So you’d rather pay my mortgage than go to that level all the while whispering in my ear about “wanting something real” and how you “keep it real”? I’m not asking you to slice your wrist open so I can dissect what I find there. I’m just saying - basic common courtesies from the gate. *sigh*

So, I was mulling over what Dude said. Asking myself if it’s true to any degree – in any way, shape, form or fashion? Don’t get it twisted – I like having my hair coiffed, nails and brows tight, massage on the regular, etc. but it’s not a “requirement” that the man in my life fund that. Hell, I was plucking, tweezing, coiffing before he showed up. Don’t get me wrong – if he offers, it’s cool. I give as good as I get. Reciprocity. Trust & believe. Anywho, back to this different flavor of “high maintenance”….Allow me to put the ‘J-Factor’ to work here.

As my friend & I were talking, he said that I am high maintenance in a way because I believe in setting expectations, standards & lots of guys aren’t used to that, and while I’m willing to compromise on some things, lots of guys don’t want to deal with that. Especially if Ms. Tingaling down the street doesn’t have any of those “requirements”. *Sigh* I’m thinking he meant the type of guy that I USED to dated. (Lawd please let that be what he meant!) I remember having a conversation with my sister-in-law and she told me I was probably “too picky”. I laughed and told her that the problem was that, in the past, I hadn’t been picky enough. Live and learn though, right?

So I got to thinking, maybe I am high maintenance. High maintenance in terms of having expectations when it comes to relationships. I know I have high expectations of myself. High but realistic. I try not to impose them on other people. I think I’m good at meeting people where they are in the moment, giving them the space & the grace to just be who they are. What do I ask in return? I like to be treated kindly, honestly…I mean, treat me like you recognize & appreciate that I am not only a woman but a woman of worth. Treat me like you got some sense and home training or like you at least know who has “good sense” on sale this week.

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I believe in holding people accountable for their actions and their words. I’m a good listener - I hear what you say and what you don’t. I watch. I wait to see if you grow fruit from the words you plant or if you’re just spitting seeds aimlessly in your path. Words & deeds need to match up to me. “SHOW, DON’T TELL” runs deeper than my writing – it’s real to me. Am I wrong for expecting you to be who you say you are? For expecting you to do what you say you’re going to do – return a phone call, show up when you say you’re going to, etc.? Is that a bad thing?

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I know I should have more value to you when I’m fully clothed, standing/sitting/walking or running than when I’m laying down with you naked in ways that no amount of clothing can cover.

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I crave intimacy, not to be confused with late night booty calls. I won’t “trade down” nor will I lay down just like that *snap*. I’m just not that casual about sex. I won’t be the last thing you “do” at night. Interpret that as you will.

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I while I want you in my life, while I need you in my life , I know that you are not supposed to BE my life. I won’t compromise my way into a relationship just to be able to say I have one. I won’t compromise myself out of my core values so you can feel proud of yourself, so you can feel like you’re “in charge”…like you’ve “tamed” me. Don’t get it twisted – telling me about how I’m supposed to “submit”. Trust & believe – I know that, I’ll honor that…with and for the one who is “submission” worthy.

Do things like this make me “high maintenance”? I don’t know. I’d like to think not. I’d like to think that, regardless of how much nonsense exists between men and women, we all want and need the basics - honesty, respect, kindness, etc. Sure we may have different ideals of what those things look like but we shouldn’t be that far off the mark. I realize that there will be people, relationships – potential, actual, real or imagined - that I have to walk away from or that will move away from me because they interpret it (me) as requiring too much work. That’s cool. If I move out into the world not knowing my own worth, my value, the world will respond to that undervaluing me at every opportunity. I’ve been sold short one too many times in this lifetime so let’s just say I’m clear about who I am, what I’m worth and if asking that people respect and honor that as I respect/honor them makes me “high maintenance”, so be it.

….anything you value is worth the maintenance. It’s just that simple.

Live DELICIOUSLY!