A few weeks back, I was invited to be a “panelist” on a radio talk show addressing relationships – primarily Black relationships (specific title for the show was “Where are the Brothers?”). The discussion ran the gamut – why Black women are “angry”, why we don’t appear to be the choice for many Black men today, what can we as Black people do, what it is that Black women are looking for, etc. It was an interesting discussion – one that left me both wired…and tired.

One of the trains of thought that came up had to do with how we are raised. Specifically, cases where you have a male being raised by a single mother who caters to him to some degree for whatever reason. To Mama, he can do no wrong and so he never really learns responsibility. You know that whole adage, “Mamas love their sons and raise their daughters”. So, according to my co-panelists, the guy goes out into the world not really understanding or wanting to take on responsibility. He goes out into the world looking for a woman who will “mother” him – a replacement for his mom. (Ironic huh? Women supposedly are looking for their “daddy”, men are supposedly looking for their “momma”. No wonder we can’t “find” each other – we don’t know who it is we’re looking for.)

I didn’t delve too much into part of the discussion – didn’t wanna get caught out there talking about anybody’s momma – directly or indirectly. Actually, I didn’t delve into for one perfectly good reason: WE NEED TO GROW THE F*CK UP.

What I mean is this: if you are an adult – regardless of how you were raised - two parent home, single parent, raised by grandparents, adoption, foster care, raised by wolves…the bottom line is YOU ARE GROWN. You are responsible for YOU from this point forward. What you do or don’t do to help yourself is all on you.

At what point do you stop to take a good, hard look at yourself and say, “I need to make some changes. This isn’t working for me”? And I mean that for ANY adult, not just men. Seriously. We all have some level of dysfunction in our families, some issues from how we were raised. It happens. That’s on whoever was perpetrating the situation when you were a child – whoever was the adult in the situation. If it’s happening now, Baby that’s all on you.

You can’t heal what you won’t acknowledge.

I know how hard it can be growing up with all kinds of baggage-creating stuff pre-stacked in your relationship closet. Trust me. I’m still working through issues of my own. But I can’t do the work, get down to the real nitty gritty in order to let it go if I keep glossing over it or using it as a excuse. I had to learn to let a whole lot of stuff go, to work through it, to forgive and move on. Otherwise, that stuff would cripple me mentally, spiritually, emotionally.

I’d like to think that what Maya Angelou says is true, “People do the best they know how. When they know better, they do better.” I believe in giving people of the benefit of the doubt and say they did the best they could in the situation. Regardless, YOU are grown, YOU are wherever it is YOU are in terms of life, love and relationships. What are YOU going to do?

If you are grown – I don’t care if you’re still living IN your Mama’s house – decide today that you want to do something different, to be different – that you are ready, willing and able to put in the work to get to a place where YOU are responsible for YOU and take responsibility for moving yourself forward.

Regardless of whether you grew up without your father, whether your mother was mean to you, whether you grew up poor, on welfare, had to live in a group home, came from a dysfunctional family, etc….YOU GREW UP. You are not your circumstances.

It’s time to lay down that crutch of a rough childhood and walk on your own.

~ QUOTABLE ~

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” ~ Anais Nin

“From this moment forward, I will accept responsibility for my past. I understand that the beginning of wisdom is to accept the responsibility for my own problems and that by accepting responsibility for my past, I free myself to move into a bigger, brighter future of my own choosing.” ~ Andy Andrews

“It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are.” ~ e.e. cummings

“Anything in life that we don’t accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it.” ~ Shakti Gawain