This isn’t the post I had in mind for today but, I can’t get the words to form around any of those other thoughts. Ugh. I hate when that happens. My mind is flooded with more thoughts than the law should allow but they won’t drop to the page in any coherent form or fashion.

Yesterday was a semi-quarantine day while I tried to figure out what was happening and why. On occasion, I have a visit from ‘depression’. Some visits are worse than others and thankfully, I’ve learned to tell when it’s trying to sneak up on me and do what I can to get in front of it. (Doesn’t always work but I try.) More importantly, I’ve learned that sometimes disappointment masquerades as depression.

As I was mulling over the situation last night, I realized I wasn’t depressed – it’s more disappointment coupled with…um…unfulfilled desires. Now before you even go THERE, don’t. I’m talking “desire” in terms of things I want for my life. I sat down last year and planned out some things I wanted to accomplish this year. A mix of short-term and long-term goals, a mix of easy vs. challenging. As happens in life, I got hit with some situations that knocked me for a loop. Apparently the knocks were harder than I thought. I’m still standing but I can’t lie – that ish has me wobbling & feeling the reverb.

Have you ever heard the expression, “Living above your means”? Generally speaking it’s about people living more lavishly than their finances can actually support - “champagne on a kool-aid budget”. As I was chilling out yesterday, I realized that I was actually “living BELOW my means”. Seriously. And I don’t mean in terms of finances. I mean in terms of what I know I’m supposed to be doing, what I feel I was purposed to do. In terms of how I’m handling what God gave has given me – from finances to possessions to my gifts and talents.

I’m living below my means because while it’s reasonable to expect that the recent turn of events would slow me down, I’ve allowed myself to be STUMPED, STUPIFIED, and STOPPED. That is so not the look for me. But apparently, for reasons based on what I can only label “temporary insanity”, I convinced myself that it was. Oh hell naw! We got to shake this stuff off right here and now even if it means taking steps shorter than baby steps.

It’s not easy. Not carrying this dream. Not building it. Not seeing it being tested. But we weren’t promised that it would be – we were promised that He would go with us…and it would be worth it. I don’t expect it to be easy but what in life worth having really is? I don’t expect not to be tested either but I won’t slink off into the corner cause I’m unprepared either. Dayum if I’m gonna be part of anyone’s “SOL” testing gone awry…and yeah, by SOL I do mean “shyt outta luck”. Nope, not gonna be easy but then, where’s the growth in “easy”? I’m not looking for shortcuts – just efficiencies…that includes tightening up MY act. No, it’s not going to be an easy climb out of this mini-funk…not physically, mentally, or otherwise.

But you know what? My goals in life are to be free, to heal myself, to live gracefully & peacefully. Content. Inside His plans for me.

Liberation ain’t easy. Neither is healing. Or peace. I know this. A diamond isn’t formed without pressure; a pearl isn’t created unless there’s irritation. Yeah, I’m coming out of this. Slowly. Surely. I’ll crawl all the way into the light if I have to. And trust me, I have to. To do anything less does a disservice to all that I say matters to me. I take this moment of disappointment as a call from my spirit telling me that it’s simply a detour. Though I might have to take a different route, may add time to the overall trip, what remains the same is the ultimate destination.

There’s a lesson in everything that comes our way. We repeat those that we don’t truly grasp. It’s not something we should consider a failure. It’s not a failure because “it” knocked you down. It’s a failure because you let it keep you down.

Me. I’m up. Rising.

Live DELICIOUSLY!

~ J ~

~ QUOTABLE ~

“I do not weep at the world. I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.” ~ Gail Sheehy

“If God chooses to take us into deep waters, it is for a reason. The greater the calling, the deeper the water. Trust in His knowledge that your deep waters are preparation to see the works of God in your life.” ~ Os Hillman

(Side note: Someone once told me that they didn’t understand how anyone could suffer from depression. He’s entitled to think that. I exert no effort whatsoever to “change” his mind or convince him otherwise. Why? Because if I am comfortable enough with you to share that I am depressed, I don’t need you to UNDERSTAND it – hell, I don’t understand it myself. I simply need you to respect my words and to be my friend. Needless to say, he’s not on the list of folks I reach out to when I’m feeling down. *shrug* Just another part of life – know who you can lean on and when Baby.