This is a variation of something I posted last week and then took off public display. I post it now cause it keeps showing up and I need to get it out of my head. Because I’m trying to free myself of anything that’s holding me back, down, or up. Because I’m trying to get the lesson so I can move on.

You visit certain blogs regularly, you expect certain things. A friend says he expects truth, love, openness, something positive, some silliness related to fam/friends here. *shrug* That – truth, love, openness – is part of my quandary.

I ask myself if I’m too zealous about love & truth? Too bold in the face of love? Baring too much of myself? Now, I don’t put it all out there on the blog but I put enough. Enough for folks to get a feel for who I am, what matters most to me. And if we ever cross paths in the “real” world, you’ll find I’m exactly the same as I am on my blog, with an extra helping of humor. (Sorry to disappoint those who were hoping I was different. LOL)

Over the last month or so, several people said they found me “brave”. Others (male) have said they find my willingness to just put my thoughts & feelings (especially my feelings) out there unnerving. Quoting one, “as a strong black man, someone that open & honest puts me off”. *SIGH* Now, I don’t know him from Adam, he doesn’t know me. He’s read my blog a few times & somehow he’s already sized me up & dismissed me as being “TOO”.

If I had a dime for every time someone found me “TOO” much of something (bold, smart, independent, honest, silly, strong, etc.) or “NOT ENOUGH” of something else (tall, pretty, slim, meek, etc.), I’d be chilling down by the waterside for real. Note: this kind of stuff is exactly why you need to know and define yourself FOR yourself – from the core and be unshakeable about it. If you’re not, comments like that will seep into your psyche and cause all kinds of damage. Anywho…

Am I brave? I don’t know. Never really thought of myself that way. I know that I’ve lived my life from a place of fear for long enough, that I’m intent on healing myself. I just want to be free, content, loved, at peace. To shake off all the “STUFF” that weighs me down – fear, doubt, generational curses, etc.; the crap that the world tries to pile at the feet of someone who looks like me, who’s been where I’ve been. To be free to sidestep as much drama as I can. To love my life, to live my life; to love my family & friends and serve my God. Is that so different from what other people want? Why does it make me “brave” but apparently is just who ‘they’ are?

Can I tell you something? I didn’t set out to be brave. I simply set out to be loved. To live from a place of truth. To carve out a little space in this world where I could simply be who I am as deeply & intentionally as I can while returning the favor to others. Does that make me brave? Maybe. But hell, LIVING requires some measure of bravery so maybe we’re all brave to some degree. Maybe I grew into this “bravery” when I wasn’t looking. Maybe it was by His design, each little event in my life simply adding to the cache.

I don’t feel brave. Hell some days I feel uncertain, unqualified, unprepared…for the very things I say I want. When it’s just me, myself & I? Me and that little girl inside who could use a hug, who some days is just tired of scrambling, who wants to know that it’s ok to simply be who she is, who thinks it shouldn’t be this hard, who wants to know what love really is, who wonders if she’s truly living the life God intended for her? Naw, I don’t feel brave then.

Maybe bravery, like strength, is just part of who I am, and it shows up when needed. Maybe I just need it a lot these days. Maybe I dishonor those gifts, denying them or pushing them away sometimes because people declare you as “brave” or “strong” and somehow they think that makes you invincible in some respects. Like your feelings don’t matter. Like you don’t need anything or anyone – a kind word, a hug…respect. They “assume” that no matter what, you’re going to be alright – like you can’t possible be down for even a minute.

They do silly shyt like sending you cryptic emails that say “this” when they truly want to say “that”. They call you “friend” then treat you the opposite. They gloss over situations where you’re sharing your fears, your dreams, your pains because that’s not how “they” see you. They do stupid shyt that you call them on and they say it’s because “you” are just so different from anyone they’ve ever known and they’re not used to someone like “you”. They say all the right words in public – I’ll call, let’s get together, etc. – but it’s all show. They downplay your feelings. They do these things and think nothing of it because they think someone as brave as you, as strong as you doesn’t “need” anyone to lean on, doesn’t “need” help, doesn’t get hurt, doesn’t “feel” as deeply as they do, doesn’t “hurt” as badly as they do. Like there’s some frigging contest. Like you have some magical, mystical powers that heal your wounds in under 2 seconds. They think these things becomes sometimes they’re selfish, sometimes they’re stupid, and sometimes…we encourage them because we play into it. Can I put you on notice? I stopped playing into the mess years ago.

I’ve learned to love my strength, what others see as my bravery – to make peace with it and know that it doesn’t make me invincible and that anyone who thinks it does or should, anyone who is uncomfortable that a strong, brave woman would need lifting up from time to time just ain’t for me. And I am okay with that. Just don’t try to make me the poster child for strength and bravery. I’m not.

I wasn’t trying to be brave. Just trying to free myself. To be at that place that says I like who I am, I love the person I’m growing into & while YOU don’t have to like, love or even tolerate me, please – respect me. That’s it. Being myself each & every day, in every interaction. Not quieting my spirit or my voice so someone else can be comfortable. Maybe that is brave. *shrug*

I wasn’t trying to be brave. Just trying to love & be loved. Knowing perfection isn’t my goal – but a life of grace, peace, faith, ease, is. Love. That’s it. Not the “you complete me” ideal of love but the kind that says, “I’m whole, healthy & complete as I am but you compliment me in ways that make the whole of me bigger, brighter, better.” Maybe being ready for love is a form of bravery. Surviving in the face of heartache without bitterness. Being willing to do it again, only deeper. Being willing to love deep enough to defy statistics. Reveling in seeing others sharing the very kind of relationship you want. Believing that love exists…and somewhere out there is a slice with my name on it. Maybe that is brave. *shrug*

So. Here we are. At the place where the very things I ask if I speak of too much, the very things I wonder if I crave too much become the very things I write about.

Again.

Just know that I’m not trying to be brave.

Live DELICIOUSLY!

J

:::: QUOTABLES ::::

“Life is an act of a faith. Struggle is optional.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

“Strength, Courage & Wisdom. It was inside of me, all along.” ~ India.Arie