If you’ve been to my blog before, you know that Love is often a theme. I’m pro-love. I’m a champion for Love – good love, real love, authentic love, unconditional love. I’m not talking about the fluffy, skimming-the-surface emotion that many of us call “love”. I’m talking bone-marrow deep, sticky, this-ain’t-for-the-faint-at-heart kind of love. The kind of love people SAY they’re looking for but the one they often push away because they don’t recognize it, didn’t realize that it required that level of work and commitment…or, as much as they want it, they don’t think they’re worthy of it.

Recently, a friend & I were talking about love, the things we do & say in the name of love, and how we get in the way of the very thing we profess to want more than anything in life. He suggested I write a post about our conversations. Ironically, I started such a post last September but it was much too long, even for me and ya’ll know my penchant for long posts. So I put it on the back burner though I may have touched on some of the subjects here and there. The idea of “Love Scripts” came to me and I decided to break the topic down in bite-size chunks that I’ll post once a week. I decided then to just put some stuff out there, see what folks thought and so, here we are.

I have a running list of topics that I’ll post, one at a time, over the next few weeks. I really do want to hear your thoughts so share as much or as little as you like. If you have a question or comment but don’t want to float it out there attached to your name, you can send it to me via the “Contact” link on my website or email me directly. And yes, I can keep a secret. Let’s stick to the topic of the week as much as possible. If you wonder if a certain topic is on my running list, ask me. Got a quote? Share. Wanna recommend a book? Do it. Bring what you got and we’ll add it to the gumbo we stir up here. Share your thoughts & questions freely but as always, please respect my space and those who congregate here. We’re not all going to agree but let’s give folks space to say what they think. Cool? A’ight then.

I use the term “Love Script” to identify any belief or behavior that people may have or exhibit when it comes to love, and relationships. Your script can involve conscious or unconscious thought that guides your actions. It can be something you say – even if it’s only to yourself. It can be something that you DO, sometimes not even realizing it It can be a positive message or more than likely, a negative one. Let me say from the outset – I am not a therapist or a counselor. I’m just a sister with more questions and thoughts about love/relationships than she has answers. What I share here will be my perspective – as a woman, as a Black woman, single, not jaded but sometimes weary who believes in love, LOVES Black men yet recognizes everyone’s right to whatever their choice might be. It does not make me right. (I’m not trying to be “right”, just trying to be “loved”.) Actually, for purposes of moving us farther ahead in this conversation, let’s suspend the notion of right/wrong so that people feel free to share, to ask questions…to really open a dialogue. That’s my goal. I believe the solution is in the dialogue. So…let’s talk, shall we?

Welcome to LOVE SCRIPT #1 – “MEN DON’T STAY”

I grew up without my father. Specifically, I grew up not knowing my father. I can’t say I’m angry about that but I have on occasion wondered “why” or “what if”. This hole where my father was supposed to reside in my life created what I consider to be my very first NEGATIVE Love Script: Men don’t stay. More specifically, Black men don’t stay. Even more specifically, they don’t stay with me. Some will say that this script ties into the whole “fear of abandonment” theory. I could have just as easily have called this “Nobody’s choice” because I do know men who have the same script…that the women in their lives won’t stay.

This script is at the very root of something that I used to pride myself on not doing. I used to pride myself on the fact that when a guy told me that our relationship was over, I wasn’t the “Baby, baby please don’t go!” type. I wasn’t going to beg anybody to stay with me who didn’t want to. I wasn’t going to try to change his mind because I told myself he’d thought about it and made the best choice for himself. I tried to convince myself of that fact.

Truth is, I wouldn’t ask him to stay or change his mind simply because I.NEVER.EXPECTED.THEM.TO.STAY.

That was a hard revelation to come to terms with but it was true. I lived through many of my earlier relationships holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to fall. Subconsciously, I told myself that, if the man who fathered me didn’t “choose” me in terms of being in my life, why would some other man choose me? It didn’t help that I saw a lot of “leaving” in my childhood which further entrenched this script in my psyche.

If this is one of your scripts, you recognize that, sometimes you do things speed up the leaving process. Either way, you’re not really “surprised” by the person’s leaving. You may even tell yourself that you’re not in pain or that it doesn’t matter. It does. Of course it matters. Even if that person wasn’t right for you - it matters because, even though you were “right” about them not staying, deep down the thing that you want more than anything is…for them to prove you wrong. To stay. To choose you. Maybe that’s just me. I know this was the case the last time I had one of these episodes - as much as I cared about him (and trust me, I was in deeper than I’d even been before), it hurt more because I really thought this time someone was going to prove me wrong….

You can’t be fully present in a relationship, can’t nurture it if it you’re “loving” someone from the “leaving” perspective. How could you? You’re always expecting them to leave so why would you invest your full emotions, give your full self to something you feel is temporary?

How do you combat that? Wish I knew. I think recognizing the issue is key. I know that it’s there and yes, it still tries to push its way into my conscious when a brother says, “this isn’t working for me”. I recognize it, I acknowledge it but I don’t let it take root anymore. I realize that life and love are rarely about you finding that one person the first time out. Relationships are where you grow, stretch, refine, define and so, I let the thought float into my mind, focus on what I learned this time around and then? I keep it moving. I remind myself that I’m still here, still breathing, still ready to love…still learning and getting better.

What say you?

Live DELICIOUSLY!
Love DEEPLY!