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The RECEIVING END of “NO”:

For some reason, “NO” has been on my mind lately. I’ve had a string of “NO’s” in my life recently and I’m sure if I just keep on living, there will be more. Has anyone ever said “no” to you? How did that make you feel? If you’re like most people, you felt rejected, maybe a bit hurt or embarrassed. Can I let you in on a little secret? I’ve decided to challenge my own perspective of how I view “NO.

Look at these examples:
• You’re interested in someone and want a relationship with them. They tell you “NO”.
• You submit your work to a publisher for consideration. You submit it to multiple publishers. They all tell you “NO”.
• You apply for a new job or ask for a promotion. They tell you “NO”.

I’m sure in each of those situations, you walk away feeling rejected. I know I would…and have. But as I think about it today, I realize that “NO” could just be the best possible answer for me no matter how much I think I want “YES” in the moment.

Why? We tend to think of “NO” as rejection when in actuality, each “NO” simply moves you closer to your ultimate “YES”. It moves those things, people, situations that are not for you or in your best interest out of the way. We tend to view “NO” as moving us to the back of the line when in actuality, it moves us closer to the goal.

Listen, in scenario #1 where you’re interested in starting a relationship with someone and they tell you “NO”…I know that stings. Trust me. Yet, isn’t it better to know sooner rather than later that this isn’t the relationship you were meant to be in? And even if the relationship does last for a time but isn’t going anywhere, isn’t it better to know sooner rather than later? Scenario #2 – same thing. If Publisher A isn’t interested in your work, that moves you further down your list of potential publishers. (Um, provided you have a list that’s longer than 1.)

That’s not to say that you hear “NO” and simply slink away. Ask questions if you want or need clarification, if you think a deeper understanding is there and can help move you forward. Short explanations work for me. After all, I’m not trying to convince anyone of anything, not trying to change anybody’s mind. I figure in most cases, we’re all adults and put thought into the situation and made the best possible choice for ourselves and ultimately everyone involved. Realize that sometimes there won’t be an explanation. That’s cool too. Keep it moving Baby.

After the sting has worn off, look at the “NO” objectively. Was it really the right place, the right fit for you? Be honest. If you still think it was, would you be happy in a situation where the other party(s) really didn’t think you were the right choice, where they treated you as “Mr./Mrs. Right-Now”, where they settled simply because they needed to fill a position, or didn’t want to be alone, etc? That’s a spirit killer. And it’s a slow death – the worse kind.

“NO” gives you time and space to look at your situation clearly and ask yourself tough questions. Was this really right for you? Were you ready? Were you prepared? Could you be yourself in this situation at all times? Could you compromise without losing yourself? Do you need to make better choices? Do you need to work on some aspect of yourself, your behaviors, how you present yourself or your craft? Do you need to sharpen your skills? Or one of my favorites, did you go into it expecting a “NO” (self-fulfilling prophecy)?

I’ve learned not to let “NO” knock me off my path. It might slow me down for a minute but it doesn’t kill me. I tell myself that this particular “NO” simply moves me closer to my “YES”. I don’t accumulate or count the “NO’s” – there are no aggregates allowed. Deal with each “NO” as it comes. If you can’t help but flashback to a previous “NO”, then tell yourself that puts you two places closer to your “YES” and keep it moving.

Know that, sometimes, “NO” is just the thing you need to help you gain clarity about what it is you really want and how you can get there. Don’t get ruffled by being on the receiving end of “NO” - get clear, realize that you ARE ahead of the curve.

It’s about perspective. Always. You know what they say, “It’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond.”

UPDATE 10:52pm: Earlier tonight, I had the honor of participating in a discussion sponsored by The Empowered Black Womens Network (EBWN) in regards to relationships, Black relationships. Whew! Ya’ll know how much a sistah loves good dialogue right? And you know how near & dear THAT topic is to my heart. Good energy all around. The session was facilitated by one of the most dynamic sisters I’ve “met” - Rachel Ramone and I shared space with author Darrell A. Cador and Christine (Sis, I cannot remember your last name - I apologize) who runs a hopping events planning business in NY. Based on our conversation tonight, I’m going to repost a few things tomorrow or post some links to things I hope people will find worthwhile in light of that discussion. I’m so keyed up now, I’d like to hit you with some highlights of our discussion so check back tomorrow. I’ll also give you the links for the cyberhomes for Rachel, Darrell and Christine. Dialogue. It will carry us far. I firmly believe THE SOLUTION IS IN THE DIALOGUE SO WE HAVE TO KEEP TALKING TO EACH OTHER - NOT AROUND EACH OTHER, NOT OVER EACH OTHER, NOT ABOUT EACH OTHER - TO EACH OTHER.

LIVE DELICIOUSLY my Lovelies!