WARNING: Rather cryptic post ahead. My head is overcrowded with thoughts I’m not sure I’m supposed to think, words that won’t fit in my mouth, questions that I’m forced to abort. All that stuff just marinating in my head. I tell you what – it’s tight up in there for real. Ready?

“Leave well enough alone.”

You’ve heard that before right? Basically it means, while things could be better, interference on your part could also make them worse; suck it up and keep it moving.

I fell headlong into just such a situation recently. AND.I’M.STILL.FALLING. I came to possess some knowledge that, without exaggeration, shakes me to the core. It’s a lot to absorb. I don’t think I’m doing well along those lines. It explains so very much, SOOOO very much…and yet, it leaves so much more unexplained. It started with a general drop of knowledge that was something that I’d “known” without really knowing for years. It blossomed into so much more over the course of a few days. It’s…I don’t know how to describe it other than to say that it is the kind of stuff that can seriously tear through your life. I’ve been poking around its edges since it dragged itself up to my doorstep – weary, not sure if it’s relieved to be acknowledged, or if it should have remained in the dark. And you know what? I don’t know either.

I’m stymied. Not sure what to do with this. I’m stepping on cotton here because I don’t know who knows what, who wants to know, who can and will shed light on the situation. Sadly, as much as it’s needed, conversation is most likely NOT an option. Truthfully, I don’t know what I think about this newly acquired knowledge. I don’t know what I feel. Maybe I’m in shock. Or denial. Maybe detached is a better word. Or some super-sized combo of all of those things. *Sigh* Sorry. I know I’m not making sense but…shyt. When I say “foundation shaking”, I mean that. Literally.

I’ve been mulling it over since the day “it” showed up. Turning it over gently. Trying to piece together a puzzle for which there’s no picture.

As I think about this situation, I’m reminded of something a friend said when I was in the midst of a struggle on the job: “Maybe keeping information from you in this instance is God’s way of protecting you, sheltering you.”

I pray that’s true. Maybe it’s that plus the fact that He wants me to know that it changes nothing about who I am, who I’m called to be. That it isn’t really about me. That I’m not responsible for carrying someone else’s baggage or burden no matter who they are or who thinks I should hoist that soggy mess up on my fragile shoulders and soldier on.

Maybe it’s God pulling me under His wing, helping me to stay focused. Several opportunities showed up in my life right after this news did. There have been times when I thought I had some whacked out form of ADD so maybe these opportunities are the bright shiny objects God is using to distract me. His blessing me right now could be affirmation that, although this stuff touches my life, it doesn’t eclipse it. Being a self-proclaimed student of life, maybe it’s God’s way of telling me that knowledge is good….but wisdom, clarity, and peace are what I should seek.

Even so, I’m aware that that pile of “stuff” is sitting in the corner. I see it out of the corner of my eye. I’m trying not to put my hands in it. I really am. It’s hard. All these questions roaming around in my head, bumping into snatches of conversation, tripping over the feet of flashbacks. All of them left unattended in the vast campus of my mind. It ain’t good people. Nor is it pretty. NOT.AT.ALL.

I’m thankful that God has given me positive distractions. That He has lovingly confirmed that this isn’t about me and that I need not make it out to be. I admit that it’s hard for me not to go there. Feeds directly into my “Enough” issues. *Sigh* Just when I was making headway with that. I like a sense of order, some semblance of logic, and stability and this takes all that away from me. Maybe this issue and what’s left in its wake is reason I crave those things. I don’t know. And I have to surrender to the fact that, as much as I want to know or say I want to know all there is about this issue, I may never know anything more than what I know today. Something tells me I should be eternally grateful for that. Still…

I’m ok. Well, I’m not…but I will be. For real. “The battle is not yours…” – that’s my mantra until my spirit has made real peace with this.

Even now, I hear that little voice say, “Leave well enough alone.”

I want to do just that…”leave well enough alone”….

But…you know what the problem is with “well enough”?

Who gets to decide if and when it truly is WELL ENOUGH?