Do you consider yourself “high maintenance”? Seriously. Do you? Do other people think you’re “high maintenance”? Generally when people think “high maintenance”, what comes to mind is a woman who “requires” (demands?) constant upkeep – hair must be done at all times, manicure/pedicure, eyebrows waxed/arched, designer clothes, fly ride, expensive perfume, flashy jewelry, rent and car note paid, steady inflow of cash, etc. with all fundage coming from someone else. A woman who asks for the moon & expects to get it, when she wants it…or sooner. You know the stereotype.

I’ve been told that I was “high maintenance” though I’m at a loss as to why. I’m not motivated by a guy’s money, car, clothes, house/apartment, etc. I never have been. My needs have always been simple – legitimate job, vehicle is safe and clean, clothes clean and fitted, his name should be on a lease/mortgage somewhere. That’s the basics. If you ask me out, “out” needs to be based on what you can afford. When I asked for clarification about being “high maintenance”, they said it’s what they “ASSumed”, that it was “the way I carried myself”. I don’t know who they were looking at but it’s not the person I knew myself to be then, not as insecure as I was. I guess it really is all about perspective, huh? There’s got to be more to that story, on their part, but lawd knows I’m not even trying to go there to find out. If they thought I was high maintenance THEN, they’d really find confirmation of their illogical thoughts now.

So, I asked someone else, a male friend, if he’d ever thought of me as “high maintenance”. Imagine my surprise when this person who has known me for almost 20 years (and dated me for some odd number of those years) said he didn’t BUT he could see how some guys thought that. I didn’t know whether to cry or hurl my wineglass at his head. So, I closed my eyes, did a little deep breathing and waited. Trying not to give into what I can only describe as the “black woman’s curse”: rolling eyes, undulating neck, sucking of teeth. I simply waited for him to break it down. (Cussing him in my head though. For real.)

Don’t you hate it when your friends take your words, your MO, and feed them back to you? That’s exactly what Dude did – fed me his answer in a play on words so to speak. Dude goes on to say that maybe, just maybe what I require in terms of honesty, and respect is too high a price for some guys to pay. That while guys love to see a woman “naked”, maybe my brand of “naked” is too much for them. That they’d rather shell out the last of their cash, go into debt paying my car note/rent, or splurging for that 4-star vacation. Really? If that’s true, it is sad, very sad. I mean, shyt. Am I wrong for wanting those things or even expecting them? If you are who you say your are, why would that be too high a price? So you’d rather pay my mortgage than go to that level all the while whispering in my ear about “wanting something real” and how you “keep it real”? I’m not asking you to slice your wrist open so I can dissect what I find there. I’m just saying - basic common courtesies from the gate. *sigh*

So, I was mulling over what Dude said. Asking myself if it’s true to any degree – in any way, shape, form or fashion? Don’t get it twisted – I like having my hair coiffed, nails and brows tight, massage on the regular, etc. but it’s not a “requirement” that the man in my life fund that. Hell, I was plucking, tweezing, coiffing before he showed up. Don’t get me wrong – if he offers, it’s cool. I give as good as I get. Reciprocity. Trust & believe. Anywho, back to this different flavor of “high maintenance”….Allow me to put the ‘J-Factor’ to work here.

As my friend & I were talking, he said that I am high maintenance in a way because I believe in setting expectations, standards & lots of guys aren’t used to that, and while I’m willing to compromise on some things, lots of guys don’t want to deal with that. Especially if Ms. Tingaling down the street doesn’t have any of those “requirements”. *Sigh* I’m thinking he meant the type of guy that I USED to dated. (Lawd please let that be what he meant!) I remember having a conversation with my sister-in-law and she told me I was probably “too picky”. I laughed and told her that the problem was that, in the past, I hadn’t been picky enough. Live and learn though, right?

So I got to thinking, maybe I am high maintenance. High maintenance in terms of having expectations when it comes to relationships. I know I have high expectations of myself. High but realistic. I try not to impose them on other people. I think I’m good at meeting people where they are in the moment, giving them the space & the grace to just be who they are. What do I ask in return? I like to be treated kindly, honestly…I mean, treat me like you recognize & appreciate that I am not only a woman but a woman of worth. Treat me like you got some sense and home training or like you at least know who has “good sense” on sale this week.

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I believe in holding people accountable for their actions and their words. I’m a good listener - I hear what you say and what you don’t. I watch. I wait to see if you grow fruit from the words you plant or if you’re just spitting seeds aimlessly in your path. Words & deeds need to match up to me. “SHOW, DON’T TELL” runs deeper than my writing – it’s real to me. Am I wrong for expecting you to be who you say you are? For expecting you to do what you say you’re going to do – return a phone call, show up when you say you’re going to, etc.? Is that a bad thing?

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I know I should have more value to you when I’m fully clothed, standing/sitting/walking or running than when I’m laying down with you naked in ways that no amount of clothing can cover.

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I crave intimacy, not to be confused with late night booty calls. I won’t “trade down” nor will I lay down just like that *snap*. I’m just not that casual about sex. I won’t be the last thing you “do” at night. Interpret that as you will.

Maybe I’m high maintenance because I while I want you in my life, while I need you in my life , I know that you are not supposed to BE my life. I won’t compromise my way into a relationship just to be able to say I have one. I won’t compromise myself out of my core values so you can feel proud of yourself, so you can feel like you’re “in charge”…like you’ve “tamed” me. Don’t get it twisted – telling me about how I’m supposed to “submit”. Trust & believe – I know that, I’ll honor that…with and for the one who is “submission” worthy.

Do things like this make me “high maintenance”? I don’t know. I’d like to think not. I’d like to think that, regardless of how much nonsense exists between men and women, we all want and need the basics - honesty, respect, kindness, etc. Sure we may have different ideals of what those things look like but we shouldn’t be that far off the mark. I realize that there will be people, relationships – potential, actual, real or imagined - that I have to walk away from or that will move away from me because they interpret it (me) as requiring too much work. That’s cool. If I move out into the world not knowing my own worth, my value, the world will respond to that undervaluing me at every opportunity. I’ve been sold short one too many times in this lifetime so let’s just say I’m clear about who I am, what I’m worth and if asking that people respect and honor that as I respect/honor them makes me “high maintenance”, so be it.

….anything you value is worth the maintenance. It’s just that simple.

Live DELICIOUSLY!