Live DELICIOUSLY!
~J~

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms, step-moms, foster mom, dads playing mom, aunties…you get the picture.

When I sat down to write this post, I was gonna talk about how my mom always asks me if I sent my sisters cards for Mother’s Day and how I struggle picking out a card for her every year. I don’t know why she asks about cards for Big Sis 1 & 2 – they didn’t raise me. She also asks that question about one of my brother’s on Father’s Day (she only asks about one brother although there are 6 of them & all of them are fathers & the one she asks about happens to have been the last of the 6 to become a father. Go figure.). I did send him a card the first year he was a dad. But like with my sisters, he didn’t raise me so why? Anywho, I do struggle with picking out a card. My mom & I have a good relationship – it isn’t as close as it used to be although I’m not sure my mom realizes that. Funny how it the relationship seemed to lessen once i was grown. When I was in high school & college, I told my mom almost everything. Ok, so there wasn’t a lot to tell. Whateva.

As I was sitting here mulling over this post, I realized that regardless of what my mom may/may not have done, I turned out ok. I tell myself that she did the best she knew how & that when she knew better, she did better. And while she may not have known any better, I’m wiser now so, I can choose to wallow in having grown up (insert your choice of adjective here: poor, without, hard, etc.) or I can embrace the fact that I GREW UP. It’s all about where I choose to put the emphasis. And today? I’m putting the emphasis on the fact that I grew up, that my mom loves her kids, and that I was blessed to have a village of people who assisted in that growth process. No matter what may/may not have been done, I’m a good person. And that is largely due to my mom…along with my grandparents (who did raise me until I was about 6), and the rest of the larger village.

I am blessed. My mom is still living so whatever differences we have, real or imagined, I can work through them with her, work through on my own or simply choose to live above them. My mom will be 72 in July – all of her children are alive and healthy as is she; she’s actually a lot healthier than folks half her age. She manages to spoil each and every one of us in unique ways. Grandkids too. Trust – she gets it back…in multiples. And no matter what – I love her.

You know what sealed the deal for me, made me decide to let it go? Watching graduation preparations at Vir.ginia Tech this week. There are 33 mothers who won’t get a card, who won’t get a phone call, who won’t have a silly gift to complain about or exchange, who won’t have a meal with their child on Mother’s Day…or ever again. I can’t imagine much in life that’s harder than that.

I’m sealing my mom’s card with a kiss.

Happy Mother’s Day!!

Live DELICIOUSLY!
~ J ~

…that I’m having a semi-rough time emotionally right now. Restless. A bit bored. Yeah, mainly the job thing (or the lack thereof). Yes, I know what I said. And I stand by that: being laid off was in my best interest given who I am and who the company thought I should be. But I gotta tell you, it’s a bit of an adjustment after almost 20 years. Some days are harder than others but none of them are bad.

…that I’m a bit gun-shy…about relationships and jobs. Crazy when I realized that my being gun-shy also extended to the workforce. I guess it’s reasonable given the way things happened in Corporate America. I mean, it’s like a relationship – you’re showing up, being your authentic self, giving your all and then wham! Just like that, it’s over, it’s not working for the other person. Same premise. I don’t know that I have the right level of trust to be in corporate America anymore. Seeing as I’m not independently wealthy, I’m gonna need to work that out. Much like I had to work through my issues with relationships after being hurt. Let’s hope that my career/work revelations come quicker than my relationship revelations did.

…that I’ve never really seen myself as the “CEO” type, the corner-office girl. I do what I do and I’m good at it. But I’ve never been overly strategic about my job. Notice I called it a job – not a career. There’s a difference. Maybe I should have been. More strategic. Or career-oriented. What that says to me is that, while I was very good at what I do (did), it wasn’t where my heart lies. That’s so true. There were bits and pieces of things that spoke to my heart in the job but not enough to keep me energized and ready to get to work on a regular basis. I could have had the manager level job, etc. but why would I want it? It wasn’t what made my heart sing you know?

…that I’ve had enough of letting fear control me, control my decisions. It’s definitely time to move beyond that. Now do I think fear is just going to vanish? No but I do think it’s possible for me to feel the fear, convert it to something positive, and keep it moving. “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

…that I found myself in tears last week…again. Man. I thought I was past that. And as I laid here crying, I heard myself praying out loud and saying, “Lord, this can’t be about HIM”. I was right. It wasn’t. It was about me. More about that in another post. Maybe.

…that I loved spending time with my nieces and nephew this past weekend. My nephew, K (3yrs old) and his sister, M (1yrs old) are staying with Princess So Fabulous and fam. It’s been rough for them which is sad to say given their age. But they are as cute as they can be, smart, and so funny. There is just something magical that happens in the moment when a child realizes that you “belong” to them. The hugs feel better, the laughs last longer, the kisses are sweeter, there’s this beautiful thing that’s birthed every time they say your name.

…that sometimes I think too much. Don’t get me wrong – I’m intuitive like a mug and I’m not prone to hiding from my feelings – but I will bide my time working through the emotional aspects or sharing them with others. I think that comes from having to work up to the point where I really trusted myself.

…that I used to think my body had betrayed me. I mean, the weakness, the pain, the weight. There’s nothing I could have done to prevent the weakness and the pain although working out consistently like I used to might have kept this level of pain at bay. But the weight? Well….I fired the first shot there – not my body. That’s a whole ‘nother post. And I’m not sure I’m ready to go there yet. Not on a blog anyway. Suffice it to say that not all weight gain is about people overeating. Again - whole ‘ nother post.

…that I’m excited about publishing book#2. I can also admit that it’s probably not the book many people were expecting next. I can go even further and admit that having it 85% written is a big plus. That means I can turn my attention to creating a serious marketing plan and some other bits/pieces of the puzzle and working on the book that people DID think was going to be book #2. It’s coming. For real. Oh yeah - poetry collection #3 is pretty much written too - just need to edit. When I said there was a tsunami of poetry happening in my place, I was s-e-r-i-o-u-s.

…to having a near break with reality recently. Stuff started breaking down – ended up shelling out a chunk of money for car repairs and stuff, things started breaking down at the house. Folks were suddenly unavailable. Craziness abounded. The stuff at the house really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I remember wading in water, near tears & laughing as I asked aloud, “Why does my house hate me?”

…that my hairstylist has been asking me about loc’ing my hair for quite some time. I’ve considered it. And honestly? If I don’t take it down in the next couple of days, she just might get her wish.