Note: We interrupt the normal chocolately Pollyanna vibe of this blog for a moment of pure pissosity.

I wish…it would rain. Right now. A thunderstorm would so underline how I feel right now. A great backdrop. Odd that I would come to a place in my life where I’d welcome a thunderstorm – I used to be frightened by them when I was younger. *shrug* Right now, I just wanna curl up on the loveseat with the window cracked, feel the rain and the breeze circling the room while some good music plays in the background and candlelight dances along the walls.

I wish…I had a button on the back of my neck that I could flip on/off when certain thoughts creep into my mind. Or maybe some kind of electro-shock mechanism. Oddly enough, I get the feeling that somebody out there wants me to “hate” them and as much as I’ve tried to give into that, it’s not going to happen. We need to face that fact. So I pray. I pray for indifference. And the strength to do whatever it is that they did that got them to where they are. Yeah. I know. “Fake it til you make it.” Might work for some…even you…but it’s just not my style.

I wish…I didn’t catch myself wanting to call you or email you when something funny happens, when I need a hug, when I’m feeling tired, or excited, or want to share an idea with you or when the doctor orders more tests or just to say hi. I won’t call. Or write. I just wish I was over the part where I forget that we’re not friends as my hands hover over the keyboard or number pad. One day. Soon. Please Father. Amen.

I wish…that $44 million dollar lotto ticket HAD been mine. Or at least a corner of it. So ya’ll can stop calling me, aight? Yes, I live in Henrico County. Yes, I’ve purchased tickets from that store. But think about it. If I’d won $44 million or even $2 million, would you have been able to reach me? Hell to da naw!

I wish…that I could wrap my head around the “perfect” job for me cause um, ya girl MIGHT have to make her way back to the daily grind in a couple of months. Perhaps August-ish. We’ll see.

I wish…I didn’t have to call folks on their frigging bad behavior. I mean, we’re adults right? I know. I don’t “have” to but it’s part of the etiquette of friendship. Bottom line, don’t call me friend then act shytty & shady with your stuff. I know that friendships morph over time and I’ve had friendships that basically just faded away. I can accept that. But there are friendships that, when I notice a change, I think enough of you as a person to reach out. Because I care. I understand that seasons change & every relationship has seasons. I also recognize that seasons don’t change without some kind of “announcement”. Recognize that I question the change because I care & I think our ‘friendship’ is worthy My wanting to share a word with you isn’t about changing your mind or campaigning to be what you already said I was (a friend) but about you needing to use your words Grown-Up. “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” And they don’t let them treat them cfappy & call it friendship either. Recognize. We can & will move on. Whether we’re *still* friends…*shrug*

I wish…I could figure out why I’m thinking of & missing my grandparents so much lately. For the last month or so, I’ve been thinking about my grandparents. I can’t remember my Granddad’s voice. That freaks me out and I don’t know why. He died right before I went to Headstart. I remember my Granma’s voice but generally only in the instances where she was calling us to come inside. My grandparents had a farm that was bordered on the back and one side by woods. We’d play outside in the field (my grandfather had passed so there was no more farming) and into the woods. My Granma would come out on the backporch and call our names, stretching out that last syllable: “Jack-kay”, “Mich-kal”, “Rick-kay”, “John-nay”, Mah-ree!”. I remember general conversations with my grandmother, the things she said, but not her actual voice.

I wish…I didn’t feel like squashing my next poetry collection. I had such fire & passion around it but Lord knows I’m being tested in a mighty way right now and I am so very close to giving in to it. Why? Cause I’m tired. Shyt just gets old after a while and that irritates me because it doesn’t have to be this hard. But, here we are. I could switch it out with what was going to be collection #4 - it’s more fitting to my current mood. We’ll see how it goes.

I wish…I had a video camera this past weekend when my niece M was making these faces, lowering her eyes and looking at folks out the corner of her eyes. It was too funny. Or when she kept tapping me on my leg, saying “Aunt Jackie, what’s that? Aunt Jackie, what’s that?” Or when her “big brother” was trying to share his ice cream with her. It was too cute to see him feeding her. He’s gonna be a great big brother. I’m calling it. And he’s only 3. That’s Aunt Jackie’s Peanut! LOL

I wish…my former employer would get their act together. I mentioned the situation with COBRA coverage, right? I sent in an enrollment form & my monthly premium. A week after the check clears, I get a letter saying I’m enrolled. The next day, I get a letter saying they got the enrollment form but not the premium. Before I could call them, I get two more letters. On the same day. One said I have 10 days to submit my payment. The other letter? It was my insurance card. Woooooossssaaaaaaaaa!

I wish…that my vacation plans hadn’t fallen through but…such is life. I was headed south in two weeks but I don’t think that’s gonna happen right about now. Oh well, I’ll just plan something else.

I wish…folks would stop calling & asking me if I’ve found a job yet. And then being offended when I tell them no. Truth is, I’m not looking. Not seriously. Not yet. I appreciate the concern but if it’s going to bother you that I’m sitting home doing whatever I feel like doing or not doing, then don’t ask. Shyt, why we gotta make MY frigging layoff about YOU and how YOU feel? Dang, give me a moment please. Act like a Lee Nail and “PRESS ON”!

I wish…I didn’t know some of the things I know. About people, specifically certain people. About situations. About life in general. Sometimes people tell me things and I end up wishing they hadn’t. I’ve learned to sidestep that 90% of the time. Sometimes I’m overly observant - add in highly analytical & intuitive and you know that I can piece things together faster than Matlock. Other times, there are things that I “know” and I don’t know “how” I know. That’s always gotten me in trouble cause folks…well, folks are just folks. I shared that with somebody, that “knowing” and honestly? Something happened that to me felt like mockery of what I’d shared even though what happened on their part was done in the context of what was a HUGE admission & should have been meaningful…but honestly? It came across as mockery so…Fuggit. You can’t use YOUR words? You don’t deserve mine. THIS is a prime example of why I don’t deal in innuendo & hints. My fourth grade teacher had this motto: “SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY”.

I wish…I didn’t feel like Love and I hadn’t been formally introduced. LOL (I mentioned to someone that I’d written a poem along those very lines.) It’s like that person you always see at the office – in the elevator, the parking lot, the cafeteria & you speak but you don’t really ever have any prolonged interactions.

I wish…I could figure out how to put a little less of me in my blog posts. I mean, I know it would still be “personal” but some days, I feel like I’m baring my soul. Like I might be going too deep. Too naked. Naked ain’t always a good thing. Not everybody’s ready for that.

Know what I wish most of all? Right now? That LOVE wasn’t this frigging “hard”. Or that we didn’t make it this dayum hard. Let’s just get this out of the way: there are good, heterosexual black men who are looking for good, heterosexual black women and vice versa. Take it further - there are good heterosexual men out there there looking for good heterosexual women. So…if that’s the case, why is it that we keep missing each other? WHO DREW THE FRIGGING MAP???? OK, please recognize that this is a HIGHLY rhetorical question.

I wish…I could tell you what brought THAT on but then, I’d be baring my soul. Again.

I wish….never mind. *sigh*

I’m out….

Note: We will return this blog to its high concentration of chocolately Pollyanna-ness tomorrow.

Signed,
Management

UPDATE: As of 8:28am on Thursday, May 31, 2007, I’m proud to come back to the ’scene of the crime’ and ask, “What da heck was I whining ’bout earlier?” Yes, the funk has lifted. And all it took was waking up. LOL A beautiful sunshiney day. Oh. And…um…a….er….”booty call”. Details? Hehehe. Tomorrow. Maybe. *giggle*