Happy Saturday! Thought I’d drop you a few jokey-jokes while I’m out playing with the kids. Enjoy!

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it!

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Crap, am I driving?”

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.!!!

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Forgive your enemy

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued
for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he
received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured
for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on
Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

“Mrs. Smith, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Smith, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety three.”

“Mrs. Smith, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the
most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on
and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.”
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
“Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.

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The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in
another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to
a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is….being concerned about
public opinion can bring you much grief and misery…and even
shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life… Stop worrying about
everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Live DELICIOUSLY!
~ J ~