Note: We interrupt the normal chocolately Pollyanna vibe of this blog for a moment of pure pissosity.

I wish…it would rain. Right now. A thunderstorm would so underline how I feel right now. A great backdrop. Odd that I would come to a place in my life where I’d welcome a thunderstorm – I used to be frightened by them when I was younger. *shrug* Right now, I just wanna curl up on the loveseat with the window cracked, feel the rain and the breeze circling the room while some good music plays in the background and candlelight dances along the walls.

I wish…I had a button on the back of my neck that I could flip on/off when certain thoughts creep into my mind. Or maybe some kind of electro-shock mechanism. Oddly enough, I get the feeling that somebody out there wants me to “hate” them and as much as I’ve tried to give into that, it’s not going to happen. We need to face that fact. So I pray. I pray for indifference. And the strength to do whatever it is that they did that got them to where they are. Yeah. I know. “Fake it til you make it.” Might work for some…even you…but it’s just not my style.

I wish…I didn’t catch myself wanting to call you or email you when something funny happens, when I need a hug, when I’m feeling tired, or excited, or want to share an idea with you or when the doctor orders more tests or just to say hi. I won’t call. Or write. I just wish I was over the part where I forget that we’re not friends as my hands hover over the keyboard or number pad. One day. Soon. Please Father. Amen.

I wish…that $44 million dollar lotto ticket HAD been mine. Or at least a corner of it. So ya’ll can stop calling me, aight? Yes, I live in Henrico County. Yes, I’ve purchased tickets from that store. But think about it. If I’d won $44 million or even $2 million, would you have been able to reach me? Hell to da naw!

I wish…that I could wrap my head around the “perfect” job for me cause um, ya girl MIGHT have to make her way back to the daily grind in a couple of months. Perhaps August-ish. We’ll see.

I wish…I didn’t have to call folks on their frigging bad behavior. I mean, we’re adults right? I know. I don’t “have” to but it’s part of the etiquette of friendship. Bottom line, don’t call me friend then act shytty & shady with your stuff. I know that friendships morph over time and I’ve had friendships that basically just faded away. I can accept that. But there are friendships that, when I notice a change, I think enough of you as a person to reach out. Because I care. I understand that seasons change & every relationship has seasons. I also recognize that seasons don’t change without some kind of “announcement”. Recognize that I question the change because I care & I think our ‘friendship’ is worthy My wanting to share a word with you isn’t about changing your mind or campaigning to be what you already said I was (a friend) but about you needing to use your words Grown-Up. “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” And they don’t let them treat them cfappy & call it friendship either. Recognize. We can & will move on. Whether we’re *still* friends…*shrug*

I wish…I could figure out why I’m thinking of & missing my grandparents so much lately. For the last month or so, I’ve been thinking about my grandparents. I can’t remember my Granddad’s voice. That freaks me out and I don’t know why. He died right before I went to Headstart. I remember my Granma’s voice but generally only in the instances where she was calling us to come inside. My grandparents had a farm that was bordered on the back and one side by woods. We’d play outside in the field (my grandfather had passed so there was no more farming) and into the woods. My Granma would come out on the backporch and call our names, stretching out that last syllable: “Jack-kay”, “Mich-kal”, “Rick-kay”, “John-nay”, Mah-ree!”. I remember general conversations with my grandmother, the things she said, but not her actual voice.

I wish…I didn’t feel like squashing my next poetry collection. I had such fire & passion around it but Lord knows I’m being tested in a mighty way right now and I am so very close to giving in to it. Why? Cause I’m tired. Shyt just gets old after a while and that irritates me because it doesn’t have to be this hard. But, here we are. I could switch it out with what was going to be collection #4 - it’s more fitting to my current mood. We’ll see how it goes.

I wish…I had a video camera this past weekend when my niece M was making these faces, lowering her eyes and looking at folks out the corner of her eyes. It was too funny. Or when she kept tapping me on my leg, saying “Aunt Jackie, what’s that? Aunt Jackie, what’s that?” Or when her “big brother” was trying to share his ice cream with her. It was too cute to see him feeding her. He’s gonna be a great big brother. I’m calling it. And he’s only 3. That’s Aunt Jackie’s Peanut! LOL

I wish…my former employer would get their act together. I mentioned the situation with COBRA coverage, right? I sent in an enrollment form & my monthly premium. A week after the check clears, I get a letter saying I’m enrolled. The next day, I get a letter saying they got the enrollment form but not the premium. Before I could call them, I get two more letters. On the same day. One said I have 10 days to submit my payment. The other letter? It was my insurance card. Woooooossssaaaaaaaaa!

I wish…that my vacation plans hadn’t fallen through but…such is life. I was headed south in two weeks but I don’t think that’s gonna happen right about now. Oh well, I’ll just plan something else.

I wish…folks would stop calling & asking me if I’ve found a job yet. And then being offended when I tell them no. Truth is, I’m not looking. Not seriously. Not yet. I appreciate the concern but if it’s going to bother you that I’m sitting home doing whatever I feel like doing or not doing, then don’t ask. Shyt, why we gotta make MY frigging layoff about YOU and how YOU feel? Dang, give me a moment please. Act like a Lee Nail and “PRESS ON”!

I wish…I didn’t know some of the things I know. About people, specifically certain people. About situations. About life in general. Sometimes people tell me things and I end up wishing they hadn’t. I’ve learned to sidestep that 90% of the time. Sometimes I’m overly observant - add in highly analytical & intuitive and you know that I can piece things together faster than Matlock. Other times, there are things that I “know” and I don’t know “how” I know. That’s always gotten me in trouble cause folks…well, folks are just folks. I shared that with somebody, that “knowing” and honestly? Something happened that to me felt like mockery of what I’d shared even though what happened on their part was done in the context of what was a HUGE admission & should have been meaningful…but honestly? It came across as mockery so…Fuggit. You can’t use YOUR words? You don’t deserve mine. THIS is a prime example of why I don’t deal in innuendo & hints. My fourth grade teacher had this motto: “SAY WHAT YOU MEAN, MEAN WHAT YOU SAY”.

I wish…I didn’t feel like Love and I hadn’t been formally introduced. LOL (I mentioned to someone that I’d written a poem along those very lines.) It’s like that person you always see at the office – in the elevator, the parking lot, the cafeteria & you speak but you don’t really ever have any prolonged interactions.

I wish…I could figure out how to put a little less of me in my blog posts. I mean, I know it would still be “personal” but some days, I feel like I’m baring my soul. Like I might be going too deep. Too naked. Naked ain’t always a good thing. Not everybody’s ready for that.

Know what I wish most of all? Right now? That LOVE wasn’t this frigging “hard”. Or that we didn’t make it this dayum hard. Let’s just get this out of the way: there are good, heterosexual black men who are looking for good, heterosexual black women and vice versa. Take it further - there are good heterosexual men out there there looking for good heterosexual women. So…if that’s the case, why is it that we keep missing each other? WHO DREW THE FRIGGING MAP???? OK, please recognize that this is a HIGHLY rhetorical question.

I wish…I could tell you what brought THAT on but then, I’d be baring my soul. Again.

I wish….never mind. *sigh*

I’m out….

Note: We will return this blog to its high concentration of chocolately Pollyanna-ness tomorrow.

Signed,
Management

UPDATE: As of 8:28am on Thursday, May 31, 2007, I’m proud to come back to the ’scene of the crime’ and ask, “What da heck was I whining ’bout earlier?” Yes, the funk has lifted. And all it took was waking up. LOL A beautiful sunshiney day. Oh. And…um…a….er….”booty call”. Details? Hehehe. Tomorrow. Maybe. *giggle*

Let me just state for the record that this is SO not the post I had in mind but….something about this song stops me every time I hear it. Musiq is pretty much hit-or-miss with me; I like a few cuts on each of his CDs but rarely have I loved the entire CD. This song? LAWDHAMMERCY. To say the message in the music touched a nerve is putting it mildly. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s coming from a Black man, or because it’s coming from a man in general, or if it’s just the fact that SOMEBODY is saying it. I’ve had that song on replay for a while now, just letting it wash over me…leaving little poetic goodies in its wake. (They’re not in a “shareable” state just yet…)

Part of me hears the lyrics and wonders, can we teach another person how to love? If it’s true that we teach people how to treat us, does that automatically translate to them being able to love you? Or is it simply a case of teaching them to treat you the way you want to be treated (not to make that a bad thing)? I hear this song and I also wonder if, when we ask someone to “teach me how to love” are we not in part asking them to show us that we ourselves are worthy of being loved?

I’m not sure about the first question - if you’re really TEACHING them to love you or just to be “courteous” and “respectful”. Gonna need to ponder that for a minute. The second point? I definitely think we’re asking the other person to show us that we’re worthy of love. Yes, you should come into the relationship with a good sense of who you are and a healthy dose of self-love. I also think that having someone show you that they love you and that you matter through their actions, their words, their attention can inspire you to a deeper love of both yourself and the other person. And who wouldn’t to sign up for that??

Musiq goes deep in that song - talking about the things he’s never seen people do, never been taught. I’m sure that rings true for a lot of people, myself included. It’s scary to stand before someone and say “I don’t know how to do this. I want to get it right but I need you to help me.” But you know what? You can’t be healed or helped if you don’t open up to someone. No one can SAVE you but someone else can help you heal the wounds to your heart and spirit. BUT it starts with you being ready to go there. It’s not for the faint of heart. Having stood on the edge of that very place, I can tell you it is scary – but definitely worth it if you just step into it with your whole heart.

For me, this song also speaks about finding a heart that understands you, someone who makes you feel so safe that you strip down emotionally and unashamed in front of them, someone who gets you - truly gets you - even when you DON’T want to be gotten, no matter how much stuff you bring to the table. Especially then. Someone who basically sees through that stuff and they’re still standing by you, waiting for you to realize what they realize: they aren’t going anywhere and that you’re worth it. I’m learning that the whole “emotionally nudity” thing is tricky, a double-edged sword so to speak. People say they want it but just like you being “physically” naked, it isn’t for everybody and not everyone will appreciate seeing you in the buff.

I think back to certain relationships (they shall remain anonymous cause um…they just shall a’ight?). Relationships that I *thought* had a degree of longevity…or the potential for longevity. When they ended, yes I thought the world had ended with them, that I had just curled up inside myself and died. But once I got to the other side of that pain, I had such an epiphany (yep, another “Beautiful Epiphany”). What was this new epiphany you ask?

It’s a two-part epiphany – a rich thought too. Part I: A relationship should minister to your spirit – on all levels. I’ve been blessed enough to have relationships that did exactly that, even if I didn’t realize it in the moment.

The deeper epiphany (Part II) is this: not everyone who ministers to your spirit is meant for a lifetime. “Traveling ministries”. Remember that. That epiphany is more difficult to deal with at times, especially when you have “forever” on your mind and are trying to will it into the relationship. What I realize now about those relationships, the “traveling ministries” is that they’re a lot like Revival – it’s an awakening of sorts, a deeper level of awareness. I think about these relationships, the “Revivals”, and remember that I “felt” broken (and probably would have said I was when I was in the midst of it) when in actuality, what we shared purified me in many ways. It unearthed issues, wounds that I thought I’d dealt with or that I didn’t even know existed. Having them placed plainly before me forced me to deal with them. Hiding was no longer an option.

I know, I’m all over the place so coherency will be a hidden blessing. This song just shakes some things loose for me, helps me connect the dots in other places. Isn’t that what “Revival” is about?

Live DELICIOUSLY!
~ J ~

Happy Saturday! Thought I’d drop you a few jokey-jokes while I’m out playing with the kids. Enjoy!

***********************************************************

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it!

She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Crap, am I driving?”

*****************************************************************

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah (in bible) was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.!!!

***********************************************

Forgive your enemy

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued
for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he
received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured
for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on
Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

“Mrs. Smith, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Smith, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety three.”

“Mrs. Smith, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”

**************************************************************

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

********************************************************

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the
most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on
and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.”
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
“Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.

********************************************************

The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in
another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to
a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is….being concerned about
public opinion can bring you much grief and misery…and even
shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life… Stop worrying about
everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Live DELICIOUSLY!
~ J ~

“2-Piece Combos” is actually a string of 2 line poems from my “Unzip My Soul” poetry collection. These pieces came out of a writing exercise from a fellow writer. The challenge was to create a two-line poem, no more than 10 words per line. Enjoy! Have a safe & enjoyable weekend!

Confession
Not all confessions requires words spoken aloud.
Silence has a language of its own

Name change
She cries daily, hating her name.
She once loved being called Katrina.

Tomboy
His nickname was ‘Oak’.
Before tonight, I’d never climbed a tree.

Diet? What diet?
He - my midnight snack, a private Happy Meal.
Me - his breakfast in bed.

GPS
You ask my favorite positon.
I answer: you, inside me. Period.

Preventive Medicine
We make love. You chant anti-Alzhimers.
Jackie….Jackie….Jackie…

copyright 2006 ~ Jackie Young

Thoughts push their way into my mind regarding the subject of this blog post and being who I am, I find myself humming and singing a song. Told you, there’s a soundtrack for every thing that happens in my life.

So what song or lyrics am I hearing now?

“I can’t stand the rain…against my window…”

Why that song? Cause my mind works in strange ways. I can admit that. Especially since my singing/humming that song has nothing to do with “the rain against my window bringing back sweet memories”. Actually, I was thinking of the times in my life when God has gently tossed pebbles at my window, spiritually speaking, and I didn’t listen so He stepped it up to a brick. Yeah, “I can’t stand the rocks…against my windows…” Look, I confessed that my mind works in strange ways so don’t EVEN look at me like that! ANYWAY…

Let me break it down. In previous blogs, I’ve mentioned that there have been times when I’ve felt like people were unreachable, unresponsive. Not that I think anyone’s avoiding me. At least I hope not. You’ve never been there? Where it felt like no matter what you said, who you said it to, HOW you said it, nobody “heard” you? Didn’t matter if you were speaking in your “normal” voice, writing long detailed emails/letters,, or jumping up and down shooting sparks out of you’re a**. Your voice was falling on deaf ears.

Throughout the course of my life, that has happened to me several times. And I find myself there again. Now. It’s frustrating in some regards. When I was younger, it would irritate me to the point that I simply became louder, more strident in what I was saying. That didn’t go over well because once I got loud, people were so hung up on HOW I said things, they completely dismissed what I said. (Did you read my previous post? If so, this getting louder, more strident is a classic example of “RAW” done wrong.)

When I was younger and found myself in the cycle (speak-not heard-shout-not received), I would get quiet. Mad quiet. Not “mad” as in “mad flava” but “mad” as in pissed-slam-da-hell-off. When I was REALLY younger, “mad quiet” set my evil twin to plotting and scheming. (Thank God for releasing the ties that bind! Whew!). As I got older, or rather, as I matured, I realized that getting quiet was absolutely the right thing to do but my methodology needed to be tweaked. I needed to make better use of that quiet time. Use the “down time” to think, to plan, to rest. To evaluate what I’m doing and why vs. what I want to do or should be doing. I realized that it was one of the ways God uses to slow me down, to redirect my focus and energy. A God-ordained strategy session. (Whew! Insert praise dance right there!)

Notice how I said “I realized that it was one of the ways God uses to slow me down, to redirect my focus and energy. A God-ordained strategy session.?

When I didn’t heed the peebles, God tossed a few larger rocks at that same spiritual window. Having that kind of clarity, that knowledge of how things are playing out in your life is a gift. Not treating it as such is an act of disobedience on my part. I said “I realized”. The problem is that each time it happens, “I realize”. Each of those times – in the past – has represented a few pebbles that God tossed lightly against my window. Last year or rather this year – parting with my job, letting go of some relationships? Those were bricks.

When this re-revelation came to me today, I felt bad because I am not as in tune with things as I need to be. That doesn’t work for where I say I want to go in and with my life, it certainly doesn’t fit with what God has planned. God has given each of us a purpose, He has crafted a plan, and He has given us the gifts, the skills needed to get there. What He won’t do is push Himself on us. He’ll give us a nudge from time to time. If we are sincere about being who He has called us to be. If He knows He can use us in spite of ourselves.

God always throws pebbles before He throws a brick.

Pay attention. Trust me – He ALWAYS throws pebbles before he throws a brick.

So here we are on the other side of my re-revelation. What am I going to do? Without any grand announcements, I’m simply going to duck away from some things, some people for a minute. Focus not only on what comes next but what’s right here, right now, staring me in the face. What matters most.

God is repairing the window damage. While He’s on the outside looking in, the least I can do is get busy making the most of what He’s given me…time, gifts, energy…life.

** Before we get to the mini-rant, please check out the changes I made to the site. Stop by the LITERARY LOUNGE. I’ve added an excerpt from my novel-in-progress, “Tastes Like Some More” (Um, if you own a copy of “Love’s Reparations”, you’ve read this. Sorry! I’ll add something equally as tantalizing for you soon. I promise!) Swing by the POETRY BUFFET for samples from LOVE’S REPARATIONS and two upcoming poetry collections. As always, I look forward to hearing your comments so holla back! And by the way, this post was written last week so I am waaaaaay over this rant. For real. Yes, I stockpile blog posts too. **

WARNING: MINI RANT AHEAD

:::BREATHE:::

RAW.

Have you ever had anybody tell you that they’re “raw”? That a lot of people can’t deal with them or handle them because they’re so “raw”?

What does that mean? RAW? I’ve had people tell me that about themselves - sometimes they say it like it’s a badge of honor, other times like they’re apologizing, and other times they just say that ish just to be saying it. Nine times out of ten, they are not EVEN at the “R” stage in the word.

Honestly? Most people who’ve said that to me are not what they THINK they are.

I can’t tell you how many times the person has confused RAW with RUDE. Or confused RAW with ABRUPT. Um, there is a difference. Kinda like the church folk who use the concept of “being spiritually bold” with the reality of “being plain old rude” and tacking Jesus’ name on it. Yeah, again - there’s a difference.

And I can’t tell you how many times the person has confused RAW with RAMBLING. Just straight discombobulated and ish. Thought processes all jumbled up and if they speak or write, it’s reflective of that jumbled state. For real. I’m not being mean - I’m just trying to make a point.

Let me help you with that: USE YOUR WORDS.
Let me help you step it up: USE YOUR WORDS COHERENTLY!

Yes, we all go through times when we can’t seem to get our words out and things tumble all over each other. I get that. BUT, if it’s an everyday occurrence for you, you’re not RAW. You’re simply not READY to have the conversation you’re trying to have which is where the RUDE part comes in.

My point? People who come off like this love to say that people don’t get them. Very few of them stop to ask themselves why. It’s not necessarily because you’re so upfront. It might be your presentation. Your execution falls short. Stop long enough to see what your triggers are and address them. Productively. Cause if you keep showing up discombobulated and rude, and if you do that to people on the regular, yes - they will avoid you or certain topics. It has nothing to do with you being so “RAW” folks can’t deal with you. Quarantine yourself until you work that out. Otherwise you’re just out to ruin relationships and/or your reputation.

And just in case you’re wondering, personally, I think that people who truly ARE “raw” don’t announce it and they certainly don’t apologize for it.

Oh, and for the record? Folks who KNOW “raw”, folks who DO “raw”? They aren’t phased AT ALL when someone gives it back to them.

Signed,
One who knows “RAW”

P.S. The only place where RAW is considered a GOOD thing on the regular is sushis bar and raw food bars. ‘K?

What?

I’m just saying…..

**Hey BLogger-roos! Yeah, I’m feeling so grown since the site was revamped, I thought I’d post twice today. Ha! Take that Creole! LOL **

What has me fired up this morning? L-I-F-E! Cause it shole is sweet right about now. What happened? Well now, I know we friends and ery’thang but um, you’n need to know erything. Seriously? Nothing “specific” happened. Every once in a while, I literally walk up smiling cause I realize that life is just that good. I’m having one of those weeks. And I think I like it.

Anywho, let’s talk ESSENCE. Not as in the magazine. But as in YOU.

I read something earlier this morning that talk about how fulfillment comes from putting into experience what you know to be true. It’s the living expression of the person you most sincerely know yourself to be. That fulfillment can never be found by taking a generic, off-the-shelf dream and twisting it to fit your situation. Rather, real fulfillment comes from the essence of who you are. It ended with a reminder to reach into the depth of your being and remind yourself of what’s most meaningful. THAT is the experience you want to live from.

Wow. Just…wow. I could shout right there. For real.

Allow me to apply the infamous “J-Factor” to the equation:

“It is the living expression of the person you most sincerely know yourself to be.” That is powerful. Do you know who you are? Seriously. Many people don’t. They know who they THINK they are. They know who they WANT to be or rather, who they WISH they were. Sometimes we get so busy chasing what we think we want or need, we don’t really take a good look at what’s in front of us.

“Fulfillment can never be found by taking a generic, off-the-shelf dream and twisting it to fit your situation. Real fulfillment comes from the essence of who you are.” Whew! I could shout right here, right now. THE ESSENCE OF WHO YOU ARE. Not who you want to be, not who you think you are, not who you pretend to be but WHO YOU ARE.

And one thing is for sure, no matter how you dress it up, dress it down, try to hide it, deny it - your ESSENCE will show up. It will tell the truth on you whether you’re ready or not. Your ESSENCE likes to breathe. It likes to breathe freely, fully, honestly. And if YOU get it twisted - ha, trust & believe, your ESSENCE will sho’nuff bring you back to center.

I live by several mottos. One of my favorites, one that I use with my coaching business is this: LIVE OUT LOUD, ON PURPOSE. Do that and all else will either fall into place…or fall away. And baby, that which remains? THAT will reveal your ESSENCE.

The universal truth about our individual ESSENCE is this: You are who you are ON PURPOSE, BY PURPOSE and FOR a PURPOSE!

Live DELICIOUSLY!

I have a few quirks. I can admit that. Like being very ‘symmetrical’ in terms of decorating – I like balance, scale. Like eating jellybeans/M&Ms/Skittles two at a time. The toilet paper goes “under” (and yes, I will flip it!). Or potato chips and vanilla ice cream. Well, here’s another little quirk of mine.

Do you ever get copies of a company’s annual report? I do. Just got one the other day. I bet you can’t guess what I do when I first open the report? Go ‘head. Take a guess. Ready? ‘K.

I actually count the number of minorities in the report. Specifically, I count the number of people who look like me. Seriously. I do. Before I read about how much money they made for the year, how much they lost, what their plan is for the next year. I count the number of minorities. Especially for a company that touts diversity loud and long.

So, having said that, I got my former employer’s annual report. They tout diversity. Loud and long. Let’s do the math, shall we?

I counted 34 people in the report – a total of 34.

34 people total
- 24 non-minorities
——————-
10
-8 (4 Hispanic who appear in 2 different pictures)
———————————————–
2 African American

TWO.

AND one of them (and ONLY one is on the board of directors).

TWO. In a company that reported 42,000 employees in 2005. I’d love to see the real breakdown - across race, then by job family, etc. Why? Did I say I was quirky like that?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not bashing my former employer. My former coworkers – those that I was closest to – have heard this spiel before. And don’t get it twisted – I spent almost 20 years there and the first 15 I wouldn’t trade for the world. Seriously. (We won’t go into the last 5. They were good, just not AS good as the first 15 and when it got “bad”, it was obvious.) And yes, I know they are in business to make money. It’s just that, every once in a while, you like to see people actually “GET IT” you know? If you’re big on diversity, the face you show to the world should reflect that - at all times.

Anywho….

I say that to simply say this. Whatever it is that you tout loud and long, “SHOW, DON’T TELL!” Seriously – talk the talk but baby, you gotta put your back into it and WALK IT OUT.

I say now what I said constantly, repeatedly, and truthfully for the 20 years that I worked there:
YA’LL FUNNY AS HELL!

Oh, ya’ll thought I was gonna divulge all kinds of ish ’bout myself? Ha! Didn’t I already do that in this post?

201 Silly Facts about Me…

Hmmm…might need to update THAT list.

Happy Tuesday!!

Well, well, well. Thank you for finding your way over to my new home. Come in, rest yourself, look around, open any and all the “doors” you want. Why did I move? Well, Blogger had been good to me but you know, every now and then you need a change of scenery to keep your flow going, to challenge you, to step it up. So…take your time and browse the site. I’m loving it! How could I not? It’s “purplely”! AND there are butterflies!! I love my webperson - YOU ROCK!! All I said to “Super Webperson” was I want it fun, “purplely”, and if you toss in butterflies, it’s on”. So basically, she NAILED it off just that sketchy spec list.

I’m (”WE’RE”) still tweaking things. Just minor stuff but you know what they say about the details, right? Oh, because of the “migratory relationship” (Project Manager flashback!) between WordPress and Blogger, not all posts moved. And get this, NONE of the comments moved. Ain’t that about a blip?! So, I’m in the process of manually moving some of my favorite posts & comments. The comments from blogger will be one long string with my initials beside them. They’re under the tag “BEST OF…” for now. Just thought I’d add that in. *shrug* The design of the new website itself gives me more freedom/control in adding content which was my main driver for revamping. I’m looking forward to adding some excerpts from my works-in-progress and springing up some more surprises. Oh, if you were subscribed to my original blog, you might wanna switch it. Um, that is once we get all the subscription stuff loaded to the new blog. Bookmark the site. Leave your verbal footprints in the guestbook. Come back at your leisure. Enjoy!

And now, here’s a little poetry with a voice. Enjoy that as well….still stuck on those ‘collarbone kisses’. *Sigh*

When I first posted this, I had a very little to say - figured I’d let this piece speak for itself. I know - ya’ll thinking, yeah right. I was but the more I turned this concept of a collage of memories over in my mind, the more I fell in love with it - the beauty of it, the power.

Do you remember making collages when you were younger? Or perhaps you’ve made one in recent years but refer to it as a “dream board”? What has collages on my mind today?

I can’t remember who or what sparked the thought that led to this poem but I say thank you. I do know that I absolutely love the concept of us creating a collage of our lives. Every interaction that you have with others becomes part of your collage of memories.

How powerful a thought is that? That YOU actually get to choose your own reality. YOU choose the memories you want to make. Set your intention clearly. Affirm yourself constantly. Decide how YOU want to show up in the world. And watch the beauty of the world rise up to meet you. You are creating your own reality.

In making YOUR collage, don’t clutter it with things that really don’t have meaning for you. Don’t let the fact that you’re holding on to people or situations that don’t help you grow or help you heal cause you to end up with blank spaces in your collage. Life is much too short for that and our interactions with others are much too fleeting. Stop skimming the surface. DIG DEEP. Become engaged. Be you at every opportunity – it’s the only way to fine-tune who you are. Dress yourself from head to toe in the best of who YOU are – inside out – and then step fully, boldly firmly into the picture. THAT’S the picture you want for the collage.
If that doesn’t nudge you to take a look at how you want to show up in your interactions with others, if it doesn’t encourage you to say what you need or want to say to people in the moment, if it doesn’t push you to call/write/visit that person who just “happened” to cross your mind, if it doesn’t help you to just let go of some hurts so you can heal and move on, I don’t know what will.

See? Isn’t that a beautifully empowering thought? YOU get to create the memories you want to make. YOU get to make the memories. (Note: you do know that NOT making a choice IS a choice right? Just checking).

Choose the memories you want to make. Choose wisely!

Here’s to the sheer beauty of YOUR collage.

Live DELICIOUSLY!!

~ J ~

*~*~* QUOTABLES *~*~*

“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.” ~From the television show The Wonder Years

“Life gives us brief moments with another…but sometimes in those brief moments we get memories that last a lifetime.” ~ Anonymous

” Recall it as often as you wish, a happy memory never wears out.” ~ Libbie Fudim

Single Ma tagged me. Then limited my wordy a** to 5 things! THEN tells people I’ll respond all “poetical”. Humph. Oh, and Single Ma? What makes you think I have 5 obsessions? I mean ANY obsessions. Yeah, ANY obsessions. On to the madness:

1. L-O-V-E: for me, this is a given. When I say I’m obsessed with love, I mean in healthy, positive ways. For me, it starts with love for the Creator, constantly growing that relationship and having it grow me - 24/7, 365. It starts with love for myself. While that should be a given, I can tell you that it hasn’t always been that way and there are still days when THAT relationship is shaky. I mean love for your family & friends. My family/friends are BEYOND fabulous. And when you get to that place where family becomes friends and friends become family, you are truly blessed beyond measure. And yes, FINALLY, I’m talking about “LOVE” love. Being open, ready and willing to do the work. To commit to something bigger than either of you. Being willing to be naked – emotionally buck a** naked – in front of another person without apologizing for who you are or your experiences or trying to hide. Aware of your stuff – the stuff you know about, the stuff you’re hiding, the stuff that will come up (trust me – stuff is gonna come up). Knowing neither of you is perfect – not expecting it, needing it or wanting it – but realizing you just might be perfect for each other. Showing up authentically in every interaction. Opening yourself up so that you can go deeper into who you’re meant to be. You don’t FIND the kind of relationships that I’m talking about – you GROW them, you grow into them.

2. TRUTH/HONESTY. I like dealing in truth - liars/lying make my teeth itch. My obsession with the truth doesn’t mean beating people over the head with it but simply living & speaking truthfully - honest actions and intentions. It prevents unnecessary drama. Truth should be an absolute but it’s colored by our individual experiences. That shouldn’t change what the TRUTH is. No matter how we might dress it up, water it down, serve it to folks in small doses or just unload both barrels on them – it’s still the truth. Generally speaking, I’m diplomatic in my approach to sharing truth with others. You don’t have to speak truth in ways that are hurtful. When that happens, people don’t HEAR what you say – they hear HOW you said it and then they filter anything else you say through that experience. I’m not saying coddle people – trust me, there are many who can attest to the fact that I can, have & will get up in ya a** if I need to. It’s just not my everyday MO. Words of warning: just because it’s true doesn’t mean you have to say it. Not all truths are yours to tell. Remember that. Oh, and by all means – be honest with and about yourself. It’s bad to lie to others but when you lie to yourself, you begin to LIVE that lie. Dangerous territory.

3. GOOD CONVERSATION. Good conversation is an art form. People can talk; not everyone can deliver good conversation. Too many folks talk just to be talking, just to be heard, have attention - not intent on listening or sharing. I’m talking about conversations born between people who are really interested in getting to know each other – going deep into the place where your differences live. Where the pain resides, the fears, the dreams. Conversations that have you bringing up the sun. Unscripted. Free-flowing. That stretch you, challenge you, make you think. Where people are comfortable saying what they want/need to say knowing they won’t be dismissed, judged, or coerced into ‘going along to get along’. It’s conversation that leaves you energized, with more knowledge/understanding…FULL. I.LOVE.THAT. If you’ve never experienced that, you’re missing a blessing – I was going to call it a treat but if it’s REALLY good, it goes so much deeper than a “treat”.

4. LIVING MY BEST LIFE: I know, it sounds “Oprah-esque”. What does ‘live your best life’ mean to me? Getting down to the nitty-gritty of who I am – what brings me joy, what makes me pause, what people/places/things help me grow & bring the best of me to the surface. Being authentic. Being rooted in Him first, me second - my purpose and living my life fully from that place. I shared some poetry with a writer’s group yesterday and someone said he was amazed at my ability/willingness to explore such emotional depths. My response? It’s the only way I know how to live & the ONLY way I want to love. I’m drawn to people who live their lives with energy. I don’t mean that they’re always “busy”, always doing something. I mean, there’s just an energy about them. It took years to realize that that kind of energy comes from living the truth of you out loud every day. Once I tapped into that, I saw that I’ve always had the kind of energy but haven’t always been strong enough or brave enough to step fully into it. But guess what? I’m into it now – up to my neck. That kind of philosophy brings with it a certain level of intensity. It’s not for the faint of heart. People will fall away. That used to bother me because it meant letting go of some connections I thought were meant to go the distance. But I learned. Life is very much a journey and not everyone who starts out with you or shows up along the way is meant to see you all the way to the end.

5. CREATIVITY: Translated - writing, music, “creating”. When I think about what feeds my soul, outside of the 4 things above, you can bet creative endeavors are in the mix. Poetry rules my life. My life IS a poem. Poetry is music to me, it’s oxygen, it’s food, it’s water. Music is poetry. I can chronicle events in my life by songs. When I say I love music, I mean GOOD music, real music. I have eclectic music tastes – I listen to all genres but no extremes of anything (no hard-core rap, rock, country, etc.). I’m probably more of an R&B, neo-soul, jazz aficionado. Love hip-hop but I’m selective about it. I’m ‘crafty’ (take that however you want to – you’d probably be right either way) – I dabble in all kinds of craft projects. Making cards, painting, etc. I can walk into a store, see a couple of ordinary items and in my head, I’ve combined them into something new & beautiful. Consequently, there are a lot of “prototypes” of different things in my house my “experiments”.

So there you have it boys & girls, my top 5 obsessions. No mention of candles, bodies of water, bubble baths, jellybeans (don’t laugh – Single Ma had cheese on her list!), laughter, ink pens, shoes.

Now the fun part: I get to tag 5 people. Next up?
Unknown Diva, Soulfull of Thoughts, Princess Dominique, Shai, and Peggy.

This should be good. :O)