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untitled - incomplete thought

i’ve been told that i am
…too much
…too independent
…too smart for my own good
…too serious
…too deep
…too honest
…too many things
Lord, will I ever just be enough?

Copyright 2006 Jackie Young


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First, let me say, for those of you who came back looking for a new post…I’m sorry for the mini-delay but, every once in a while I write a post that literarily takes the wind out of me, makes me sit back on my haunches & do a little soul work. And so it was with my two last posts. Now, is it just me or do you see the irony of a series of posts on “Enough” being rounded out with a poem about “Too Much” make you smile? *Sigh* It’s about duality you know? The Law of Polarity, the Law of Opposites. Anywho, I digress. Let’s get on with it, shall we?

I’ve been trying to step away from this whole concept of “Enough”, to not over-blog on it but it will not let me go. Told you it runs deep. It’s tied in into the two issues I mentioned in this post, Coming Up for Air

. And apparently, it is tied in T-I-G-H-T. I see from the comments and blog traffic that it resonated with a lot of other people too. Thank you. It is always good to know that you are not alone, that your words have meaning.

It’s a tough thing to unravel – this issue of “Enough” - especially if you’ve had those tapes playing in your head for a long time. For me, I’m trying to figure out how to not only turn the tape off but how to erase the dayum thing, how to tape over it so that a new message is what plays in my life. From a place of logic, I know that I am enough because I know who created me and with Him, there are no missing pieces. Yet, life has a way of getting into your psyche, seeping into your spirit and challenging what it is that you know until you’re at a place where you don’t trust yourself anymore.

And the sad thing is, if you have “enough” issues like I do, there are times when people will say things to you that you hear with your ears clear enough yet your mind translates it into an issue of “enough”. Take my example of dating/getting to know someone. You’re going slow, taking your time to get to know each other which is as it should be. The other person decides that you don’t have enough in common, or maybe they can’t commit to something more long-term or more serious right now. You HEAR what they say - you might even agree with them. But in the quiet of your home, you find yourself asking “Why? Why wasn’t I good enough?” And even if they say to you that you are not their type, you hear “I’m not enough - pretty, thin, smart, etc.” Hmmm…maybe that’s just me. LOL

I will speak for myself - that’s a dangerous tape that’s stuck on repeat. It is dangerous because 9 times out of 10, you know the person is right - you DON’T have enough in common, you KNOW the person is not your type and yet, you will try to twist, turn, contort yourself into someone you are not just to get to a place where you can say, “Nah nah nana nah” to that dayum tape. And in doing that? In twisting yourself into some abstraction of yourself? All you’re doing is pushing pause instead of play.

Erasing the tape or recording over it is the key. How to do that? I wish I knew. I’m working through it myself. The one thing I do know is that there are no shortcuts to re-recording your tape. And getting to the root of it is hard work. Soul work.
I’m rambling which means I need to stop right here. LOL It also means I need to head off & do my own ’soul work’ so, I’m taking my “issues of enough” to my journal. Gonna write it out the old-fashioned way - pen to paper. Maybe that will help me lay down this burden. Ask yourself this question, Is the play button on your “not enough”

Ya’ll know my penchant for asking questions right? How I believe you free yourself, take yourself deeper, gain more insight not by finding the answers but in simply being bold enough to ask the question? Well, here is the question that I face at the end of this post. Are you ready? OK…

Is the play button on your “Am I Enough?” tape triggered by what you actually hear…or rather by what you’re listening for??

QUOTABLE


“Ask questions from your heart and you will be answered from the heart.” ~ Omaha Proverb

“Judge of a man by his questions rather than by his answers.” ~ Voltaire

“In all affairs it’s a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.” ~ Bertrand Russell