My tape wore out so I had to get a new one as I keep taping over it day after day after day.

I got some heavy ish and I know I’m blessed in other areas…but I still get so “full” (like my Grandmother says) of the stuff that hurts me…that I listen to that tape. Am I not getting pregnant because I’m not good enough to be a mother? Am I too selfish with Monnie time to be a good mother? Would I screw a kid up? Does God just not think I’m good enough period.

See…I warned you. It’s why I connected with what you wrote so well. I constantly questions IN THIS INSTANCE ONLY if I’m good enough. But it’s an issue large enough for me…where it can start chipping away at my soul.

7:40 AM, March 06, 2007

MsJayy said…
Re: my break & you “thinking it” - YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! Oh wait, that’s what I tell Single Ma. LOL

Girl, Girl, Girl…don’t start me to testifying up in here. I understand. There is ALWAYS one situation that is guaranteed to bring up the “Am I enough” question for me. No matter how blessed I know I am, no matter how great things are going in my life. In the shadow of that situation, the question WILL come up.

It’s a hard thing to shake, erase or tape over - especially when it’s been ingrained in your spirit for a while. It’s crazy because we both know the answer to our “Am I enough” questions is a resounding YES but like I said before, it’s like knowing the answer but needing to crack the equation, to back into it.

BTW, I have the “Am I Enough” ish where kids are concerned to but…that’s a whole ‘nother post.

Love ya! (even when you mean to me LOL)

8:02 AM, March 06, 2007

UnKnownDiva said…
“that’s a dangerous tape that’s stuck on repeat. It is dangerous because 9 times out of 10, you know the person is right - you DON’T have enough in common, you KNOW the person is not your type and yet, you will try to twist, turn, contort yourself into someone you are not just to get to a place where you can say, “Nah nah nana nah” to that dayum tape. And in doing that? In twisting yourself into some abstraction of yourself? All you’re doing is pushing pause instead of play.”

(*sigh*)

9:58 AM, March 06, 2007

MsJayy said…
((((((HHHHUUUUGGGGSSSS))))))

I know Baby Sis, I know. But I aim to be free of that. Oh yes. F-R-eaking FREE!

10:23 AM, March 06, 2007

QueenJoya said…
I think my “Am I enough” tape has been playing on repeat for the past ten years, the thing popped and instead of putting in a new tape I loaded a copy of the old one. Last night I cried myself to sleep and I wanted to blog about it on my own blog, but I just don’t know where to start so Imma put pen to paper as well and work it out with me and my Father. Thank you for being so open and honest, you will never truly know what these words and knowing that I am not alone means to me.

Peace and Blessings

1:49 PM, March 06, 2007

MsJayy said…
Queen - I understand. I’ve been at the place where I cried myself to sleep, cried IN my sleep & cried myself awake. Did it so much I thought I was losing my mind. In actuality, I was losing layers of nonsense that I used to hide my real self from the rest of the world. I can only tell you what worked for me - praying for clarity (BUT pray for courage first because clarity can be hard to face), being still, and listening - really listening. I’m humbled that I could help in some way. Keep the faith. ((Hugs))

2:50 PM, March 06, 2007