Yesterday’s post, “Tears for a Little Girl”, generated quite a few personal email exchanges and phone calls. Before I go any further, let me say that what I write is what I feel, what I question, what makes me laugh or smile or cry or ponder…what I write is what I need to write, to purge, to let go of so that I can heal. I tend to write close to the bone. Translation? I write truth - MY truth. I go deep with it sometimes (well, in my mind it’s deep. LOL). Truth is very important to me in every area of my life and so, you will find it nestled into my writing – even in my fiction. (Ironic no? “Fiction” that’s true? Well, let’s say ‘true to life’.) I am unwaveringly honest with myself and about myself – even when it doesn’t feel good or look pretty. I am honest with myself because while I think it’s wrong and unnecessary to lie to other people, I think that lying to yourself is absolutely dangerous. Why? If I tell myself a lie, I will begin to live a lie.

Antywho, I got emails and calls yesterday from some folks who wanted to know if I was all right, if I was depressed. I got emails and calls from people who swear up and down that they KNOW they’re enough. Actually I think they each said they know they are MORE than enough.

First things first, yes – I’m all right. As a matter of fact, I am better than all right. I am so amazingly, unfailingly good right now – this moment, in the present, here and now. I am blessed beyond measure. And while I’ve battled with depression from time to time, this isn’t one of them. Far from it. This is a point of celebration for me. Though it came wrapped in tears, it is an amazing gift for which I am so very grateful. It is an awakening. People in denial don’t get that. People who aren’t clear about getting clear don’t get that. People who have become either immune or addicted to the pain in their lives don’t get that. And that’s okay. I am merely telling my story.

Now, about those folks who swear they KNOW they’re enough, who say they are MORE than enough. Honestly? I don’t believe you BUT…you get the space to tell your story as you see fit. I don’t believe you for a number of reasons, the first being if you truly believe you are enough, why was a phone call or email chain necessary? I mean really. I wrote this about me. I’m just saying…. Second of all, people who believe what you would have me believe don’t shout it as they enter a room. They simply enter the room. They don’t wear it like a Miss America sash. They simply going about being who they are and doing what they do. I think (key words “I think”) that as women, we ask this question mostly in context of our love relationships. And I think what we’re really asking is “Am I loveable?” or “Can you love me?” But then again, maybe that’s just me.

So since you thought this might be about you (suddenly I hear Carly Simon), let me help you clear that up. Here are a few examples of how we ask “Am I Enough?” question without even realizing it.

* You cooked his/her favorite meal. It was either not eaten, not well-received, or you got no thanks. You’re upset. Guess what? That meal was laced with “Am I enough?”

* You dressed head to toe in HIS favorite color, that outfit that he says he loves to see you in, got your hair ‘did’ just the way HE likes it (which you hate). He doesn’t even notice. You’re upset. Guess what? You all dressed head to to in “Am I enough?”

* He calls to say he can’t make it over tonight, one of his boys wants to hang out. You pout, you cajole but he goes out anyway. You’re sad. Guess what? Your pout is wearing “Am I enough?”

* You’ve had a few dates with him/her and they say that, while you’re cool and everything, you don’t have enough in common or you’re not their type. You may or may not feel the same way. Regardless, you’re upset – you wonder what’s wrong with you. Baby, welcome to “Am I enough?”

* You work extremely hard. You’ve managed to work through the most intense project your company has ever dealt with. You smell a promotion in the air. Your manager tells you that it’s not in the cards. Sweetie, welcome to the tangy scent of “Am I enough?”

* You apply for a position that should be a lock; afterall, you’re already working in that capacity just without the title and the money. Or you’re in the role of “Acting” manager, “Interim” team lead. You’re working it out, making it do what it do. They post the position, you apply, you interview, they give it to someone with less experience. Honey, welcome to the land of “Am I enough?”

My point? Why, I’m glad you asked! My point is, even when you KNOW you’re enough – even when you know that “it” isn’t really about you – you can still slip down that slope to “AM I ENOUGH?”. It happens to the best of us. You can deny it. It’s cool. After all, this blog? It’s just me. Telling MY truth. And one thing I DO know beyond a shadow of a doubt? Me telling MY truth? THAT is MORE than enough.

Be easy.

Oprah’s Leadership Academy for Girls. I watched her special and cried the entire time. No matter what you think about whether or not Oprah should have opened a school in the United States, I don’t know how you could not have been moved by this story. I watched those girls and like Oprah, I saw pieces of myself. Growing up without…knowing you were meant for more…yearning for education. I understand why she encouraged parents to watch the special with their kids.

What touched me most? What made me cry the longest? The hardest? The little girl who, after much hesitation, asked Oprah this question: “As you look at me now, do you think I’m good enough?” That really tore at my heart and all I could do was cry and pray.

How many times in my life have I asked that question? Without putting it into those words, I have asked that same question. And I cried harder because I realize that, to some degree in certain aspects of my life, I am still asking that question. It is a question that has lived buried deep inside of me for years and so I know that quick, pat answers will not do.

I cry because I want to KNOW the answer for myself. I don’t want to stand before anyone else and ask the question. I want to KNOW without a shadow of a doubt – not in a cocky or arrogant way but in a quiet, assured way. I cry because I find that question laced into so much of my poetry…read between the lines. I cry because I find that question tucked into the scenes in fiction works-in-progress. I cry because I find it baked into his favorite dish. I cry because I find that question running through my resume, like an invisible appendix or some new IRS schedule.

I cry because I know that you – whoever or whatever “YOU” may be: a job, a man, a child, a career, etc. – you cannot answer that question for me. It is a question that only I can answer.

And I cry because I hate asking it. And I cry because I know what the answer is but I can’t crack the equation.

I cry because this question still seems to exists for me. As far as I think I’ve come from skinny, knock-eyed girl with a head full of plaits too short for ribbons. This question still exists for me.

And as I wipe away my tears, no longer sure for whom I’m crying – the little girl in South Africa or the little girl inside me – I take solace in knowing that, though the world tends to focus on the answer to the question, any question, my spirit knows that the true test lies in asking the question in the first place. Any answer that comes beyond that? Purely extra credit.

Quotable

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power, They speak more eloquently than 10,000 tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving

“The only cure for a true sense of unworthiness is BELIEF.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant